So now having finished work for the evening I will add the second entry of the day to the blog. I left part one where I had 5 things that had happened for me and then one that hadn't so that was interesting.. I then thought about what I have been doing with my own time out of choice, and what am I doing? questionning more about God and asking questions, at times it is what has dominated my life. Look back at number 5 on the previous blog and I am constantly listening to Christian Music, the word from God etc so "a new love for God" could be one which I haven't recognised yet, so potentially there are 6 out of 6. Wow!
So lets be rational about this and then ask other people what they believe about me, one of the closest people I have spoken to at church said I had changed and it was noticable the way I had changed. I asked my lady and she said I'd changed to and that she had noticed these changes in me as well especially the one about caring for other people. Now this is all pretty significant but what it doesn't do is say it is definitely the Holy Spirit in action... but I also can't say it isn't. This is big stuff, fundamental and life changing ultimately possibly.
So how many of my other questions have been answered.. ummm none... I look back at some of the things that people have told me while I was doing the Alpha Course and they have all began to happen and come true. One of my friends was telling me it would be like he would nudge you and then nudge you some more and keep doing it until you noticed. If that has been the case I haven't only been not noticing but I have been looking completely in the opposite direction! Maybe I don't need to fight, but I can work with what I have been given.
A week ago I was figuring I wasn't going to get the answers to any of the questions I was asking. The first thing is I didn't get any answers to any of the questions that I was asking. In fact I know no more than I did before other than the impact it is having on my life.
So lets put all that down to coincidence ;) (ok difficult I know but stick with me). Besides that list what else has changed.. well I have just pretty much stopped swearing. I know at times I have quite a foul mouth and on occasion I have said things that I probably shouldn't have said. It has just stopped. I am not trying. I just don't very much anymore. There appears to be a perfectly usable English Language.
So sticking with coincidence there were a series of three sermons which I blogged about in the early part of the blog, about being more "You-ier". I feel I am becoming more "You-ier" (Me-ier I suppose!) I am more the person that I am than I was. I don't feel the need to be anything that I don't need to be anymore. I have become more the person that I used to be 15 years ago. I wish I had challenged this then. I wonder what the outcome would have been.
I am currently listening to a song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I think my own little world might be about to get bigger. The words are "What if there is a bigger picture?, What if I am missing out? What if there is a greater purpose that I could be living right now?" I am here looking at this going. What if I am about to jump into a scary discovery that my own scientific brain cannot explain. And why do I seem to be heading towards it willingly? All new questions but now they are all about me and from a completely different angle.
Anyway so the "You-ier" bit appears to be making an awful lot of sense and all these things that have been placed in my way appeared to have been placed there for a reason.
I was able to talk to my friends around me about some of the feelings that I have when I am in the church and the discomfort I had at some of the things that are taking place and the fact that I feel self conscious when I am in worship becuase I wonder what I should be doing. I know relax and just let the moment decide. I have finally worked out I don't need to do or be anything at all. I always feel usually like everyone is looking at me. It is daft and stoopid but it is just what I have been feeling and it was great they would joke and laugh about it with me. That was just great.
So onto the next part, Grace, I remember a sermon about Grace and it is something that we are given although we do not deserve it. This seemed a really good thing to receive and I didn't understand fully at the time what it meant. Now I think I understand which is brilliant and it would just fabulous brilliant.
Linking to this is a new sense of peace that has come over me. I can't explain it very well but I feel much more at ease with myself and the world around me than I ever have been before. It is just wonderful to have that feeling. I am sure I am going to look back on this and try and work out how I went from being so headstrong and forthright to peace in the space of a few days but that is what is happening and I never tried to make anything happen.
The current series we are doing in church is relating to the Holy Spirit which is the bit I don't understand and have on many occasions looked completely baffled by, but I don't need to be. Is this timing so that I am given the understanding at the time I need it. Is everything being put in place for me to get through these hurdles that I am currently going through.
So sitting with this and everything that has been going where am I sat today, well I think it is quite clear. I haven't made the jump across but I am looking at it very seriously. At the end of the video I did say the prayer in my heart that was written in the Alpha Course book and I want to welcome him into my life. I just have to wait for an answer now, although I will probably try and do what I usually do and ignore it or miss it. I hope not.
Do I call myself a Christian today? A tough question but I still think I have to say not yet, but I imagine I am going to come across the time in the near future where that may change. If I meet God's love halfway then I am going to find something very exciting in my life coming up. I am going to scarper for now with that lot but I am definitely going to be back tomorrow as every thought I have is important, I want to treasure and be able to look back on. For the first time I believe this blog might be my journey to becoming a proper Christian.
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