It's another Sunday gone and another day of interest for me on my journey. Its been truly fascinating. I have been to church yesterday which was really good. It started with a good worship which was really uplifting. I was approached by two people to assist with various things that people needed me for. It was wonderful to be able to use my skills and talents to be able to help people.
The first thing that came to me was the pasteur who wanted some photos for the website and I was more than happy to help. In fact i wanted to help in anyway I could. I know that I am still yet to commit to God and Jesus but it doesn't stop me being desperate to help out and be the best me I can be. I guess that is being "Youier". I am being much more the person that I wanted to be and probably the person that I should always be.
I wish I could do more to support the church and be able to do more than I do. I feel that it is something that is important to me, (I know I am still in the cage with the paws on the side but that is another issue). I have spoken about potentially doing something relating to Alpha at the end of the Alpha Course that i am doing, maybe do a piece which can be used to promote it as a wonderful opportunity to ask the difficult questions.
The other thing I managed to do was to give a little back to some friends who have been so caring and wonderful to me. What I did was only a little by assisting them fixing their computers which were misbehaving, but I ended up taking too much of their time as it took a little longer than expected.. .Sorry! Part of me was wondering though, was I put there to help them to be there and take the opportunity. Is it coincidence or more. There are an awful lot of them. How do I get to coming out of the cage? Where do I find the courage? Am I always going to stay in my cage, too scared to come out and see the world out there? I thought that by now I would have come out but I just can't and it is a cause of endless frustration, but I am being held back and the only thing that is holding me back is me.
But I have had a few moments in church in the past few weeks which have been interesting. Two weeks ago we had a sermon on the holy spirit, which happened after I had asked several people what the holy spirit was because I still struggle to understand what it is.
The second one was yesterday. There I was sat next to a friend and I asked him "What is the Father Heart of God?" It is a phrase I have heard a number of times in the church and have never understood. Anyway after I asked him and he tried his best to describe it to me, worship finished. Then the Sermon started about "What is the Father Heart of God?" It was amazing that straight after I asked the question it was answered. Is this another one of these coincidences or is it something more.
I have got my bible with me tonight and I am going to randomly read a few verses tonight, and see if it brings any inspiration. I am feeling in the need of it right now because I am still stubbornly sticking to not committing to life with Jesus. Sorry cos I am letting him down and a lot of people who want to see me do it...
Monday 28 February 2011
Saturday 26 February 2011
Been a long week
So another week has finished and I am relaxing on Saturday night looking at more amazing things that people have written to me or as comments on the blog. Where am I tonight. Well still in the "cage" as it has become known but more and more curious all the time about the rest of the world that is out there.
I know that this is a long journey and that sometimes it seems to go like a train and other times it seems to sit and wait. Anyway this week has been a bit of a sit and watch week with me having little access to the internet or anything else but it was good. I have been missing things like Alpha and contact with people I know.
But then that leads me onto the things that have changed about me during the last few weeks. I am being told that I am changing all the time and quite quickly. I know there are certain things that have changed which I have alluded to during some of the earlier entries. The one that I found this week was a change in the way I relate to people. I have never been a person that is a social person but I am finding that I am becoming not a people person but someone who enjoys being around people.
Anyway I had potentiallly another encounter which I can't explain today. I went out to lunch today with my family and on the walk back, I was realising we needed some carpet for the rabbit. Anyway we were walking back from town and suddenly it started to rain and hail and enormous amounts of it. Anyway we went into one of the nearest shops, which happened to be a carpet superstore. We went looking for an offcut just because of where we were but the store don't do any. So I told the guy working there about the rabbits and he went and got us two samples both about 80cm by 50cm which were big enough for all we wanted which was brilliant and he just gave them to us :). Things are working in very strange ways. Is this another thing being put in front of me. What is it? It is all so strange.
So I am looking forward to tomorrow morning to see what that brings. I am always interested and curious and that is not going to be changing. I wonder what is happening next. I know that i am just looking around more and more and more but for now I am just going to watch and keep asking questions. But the exciting thing is what is the next question going to be....
I know that this is a long journey and that sometimes it seems to go like a train and other times it seems to sit and wait. Anyway this week has been a bit of a sit and watch week with me having little access to the internet or anything else but it was good. I have been missing things like Alpha and contact with people I know.
But then that leads me onto the things that have changed about me during the last few weeks. I am being told that I am changing all the time and quite quickly. I know there are certain things that have changed which I have alluded to during some of the earlier entries. The one that I found this week was a change in the way I relate to people. I have never been a person that is a social person but I am finding that I am becoming not a people person but someone who enjoys being around people.
Anyway I had potentiallly another encounter which I can't explain today. I went out to lunch today with my family and on the walk back, I was realising we needed some carpet for the rabbit. Anyway we were walking back from town and suddenly it started to rain and hail and enormous amounts of it. Anyway we went into one of the nearest shops, which happened to be a carpet superstore. We went looking for an offcut just because of where we were but the store don't do any. So I told the guy working there about the rabbits and he went and got us two samples both about 80cm by 50cm which were big enough for all we wanted which was brilliant and he just gave them to us :). Things are working in very strange ways. Is this another thing being put in front of me. What is it? It is all so strange.
So I am looking forward to tomorrow morning to see what that brings. I am always interested and curious and that is not going to be changing. I wonder what is happening next. I know that i am just looking around more and more and more but for now I am just going to watch and keep asking questions. But the exciting thing is what is the next question going to be....
Thursday 24 February 2011
Me and my rabbit analogy
You know sometimes when you start something and you didn't quite realise where it was going to go. I have done that. I really have. I never expected anything to turn out like it has but there you go and my rabbit analogy has been going for the best part of two weeks now. It was just at the time how I was feeling but its significance is far from lost on me.
I am currently sat in a restaurant in a holiday Inn feeling a little better about the world than I did earlier in the week, mainly because I have managed to find a bible. I have managed to download one from amazon, which is kind of handy because I have had multiple bible verses quoted at me during the past few days and without one it has been difficult to find them. But I can now start lookin at some of the things that i have wanted to anyway. So what have I done so far today. My initial thoughts this evening was to pick up my guitar and play some worship songs, but I only know a couple cos i'm not very good, but I enjoy it. My favourite song is "Yesterday, Today and Forever" . I don't know why but I have loved that song since I first ever heard it. I think I probably spent the best part of 30 minutes playing it tonight which is quite a long time, well my fingers on my left hand certainly know about it and come to think of it so does the person in the next room.
I have actually got an internet connection tonight because i am sat by a window in the corner of the restaurant probably looking rather sad and lonely but I think in reality I am far from it. I have got a bible back on my computer and I have managed to play some songs and I am going to be going home tomorrow so all is looking quite good.
I also just want to say my sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed to my journey during the past week. I have tried my hardest to stay in touch through my blog which has been tough but I have had some wonderful words of encouragement. I have looked through all of them, some of which have come by email and some of which have been comments on the blog. I have had someone type out a passage which is a page of A4 because i haven't got a bible, and two wonderful sets of words of encouragement added onto my blog. I am humbled by the time you have taken to contact me and that you find the time in your life and the interest in what i have got. I look at the people around me and I am constantly astounded by what they do and what they have given to me, so thank you and I mean that. From my point of view I would love to put down what I have gained from those passages.
First the passage that was typed for me a few days ago which was from Joshua chapter 3. I can see the ideas that are in it and the trust and faith that you have to do to put your life in God's hands. God loves us and wants the best for us as his people and that we have to make the step into his world as it has to be our choice. It is a scary choice most definitely but one that every day looks more and more tempting. It is a lovely passage and I get the feeling too it is time for me to put my feet on the water and see if the water passes or I get very wet
Chris, great to hear from you and I have to say you sum it up so simply and so easily within the entry. Keep looking forward. I have to say Chris I am looking forward all the time with my eyes wide open, probably because i am terrified of what is in front of me, yet at the same time I can't take my eyes of it. I want to keep looking at it. I feel that if I look behind me and turn back it will be gone and I definitely don't want that to happen.
Tracy, you made me laugh, by putting it in rabbit terms, maybe I'm not the only person who thinks in crazy mad metaphors. The passage is the one about opening the door and letting him into your life and that I have to invite him in. The passage is Revelations 3 chapter 20 which in the version i have on this computer says "Listen! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and he with Me." As is usual for me I am sat with the irony... Here I am in a restaurant at a table for two and having dinner while i write this. Oh humour.. Anyway so where am I with my rabbit analogy.. I think I might have opened the door to my rabbit cage and am leaning out into the world. I have done that succesfully. I just forgot to exit my cage. You'll hear the THUMP! eventually because I think I will probably end up overbalancing, lean out too far and going splat in an undignified heap. In terms of the Revelations passage I have opened the door and stood in Jesus way. Well why would he want to come in anyway my house is always a mess.
I am also thinking about all the people I know at House Group tonight, wishing I was with them and not being where I am in the hotel. I really hope they all have a spiritual filled evening which they receive blessings from God. I have prayed for you all to have a wonderful evening and that you experience and encounter him during your house group. Anyway I am off to find some more music that I can play, so goodnight to everyone that knows me and cares and thank you for being such wonderful people. And before I go.. thank you Linda for being so wonderful, caring and putting up with me whilst I am going through this journey.
I am currently sat in a restaurant in a holiday Inn feeling a little better about the world than I did earlier in the week, mainly because I have managed to find a bible. I have managed to download one from amazon, which is kind of handy because I have had multiple bible verses quoted at me during the past few days and without one it has been difficult to find them. But I can now start lookin at some of the things that i have wanted to anyway. So what have I done so far today. My initial thoughts this evening was to pick up my guitar and play some worship songs, but I only know a couple cos i'm not very good, but I enjoy it. My favourite song is "Yesterday, Today and Forever" . I don't know why but I have loved that song since I first ever heard it. I think I probably spent the best part of 30 minutes playing it tonight which is quite a long time, well my fingers on my left hand certainly know about it and come to think of it so does the person in the next room.
I have actually got an internet connection tonight because i am sat by a window in the corner of the restaurant probably looking rather sad and lonely but I think in reality I am far from it. I have got a bible back on my computer and I have managed to play some songs and I am going to be going home tomorrow so all is looking quite good.
I also just want to say my sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed to my journey during the past week. I have tried my hardest to stay in touch through my blog which has been tough but I have had some wonderful words of encouragement. I have looked through all of them, some of which have come by email and some of which have been comments on the blog. I have had someone type out a passage which is a page of A4 because i haven't got a bible, and two wonderful sets of words of encouragement added onto my blog. I am humbled by the time you have taken to contact me and that you find the time in your life and the interest in what i have got. I look at the people around me and I am constantly astounded by what they do and what they have given to me, so thank you and I mean that. From my point of view I would love to put down what I have gained from those passages.
First the passage that was typed for me a few days ago which was from Joshua chapter 3. I can see the ideas that are in it and the trust and faith that you have to do to put your life in God's hands. God loves us and wants the best for us as his people and that we have to make the step into his world as it has to be our choice. It is a scary choice most definitely but one that every day looks more and more tempting. It is a lovely passage and I get the feeling too it is time for me to put my feet on the water and see if the water passes or I get very wet
Chris, great to hear from you and I have to say you sum it up so simply and so easily within the entry. Keep looking forward. I have to say Chris I am looking forward all the time with my eyes wide open, probably because i am terrified of what is in front of me, yet at the same time I can't take my eyes of it. I want to keep looking at it. I feel that if I look behind me and turn back it will be gone and I definitely don't want that to happen.
Tracy, you made me laugh, by putting it in rabbit terms, maybe I'm not the only person who thinks in crazy mad metaphors. The passage is the one about opening the door and letting him into your life and that I have to invite him in. The passage is Revelations 3 chapter 20 which in the version i have on this computer says "Listen! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and he with Me." As is usual for me I am sat with the irony... Here I am in a restaurant at a table for two and having dinner while i write this. Oh humour.. Anyway so where am I with my rabbit analogy.. I think I might have opened the door to my rabbit cage and am leaning out into the world. I have done that succesfully. I just forgot to exit my cage. You'll hear the THUMP! eventually because I think I will probably end up overbalancing, lean out too far and going splat in an undignified heap. In terms of the Revelations passage I have opened the door and stood in Jesus way. Well why would he want to come in anyway my house is always a mess.
I am also thinking about all the people I know at House Group tonight, wishing I was with them and not being where I am in the hotel. I really hope they all have a spiritual filled evening which they receive blessings from God. I have prayed for you all to have a wonderful evening and that you experience and encounter him during your house group. Anyway I am off to find some more music that I can play, so goodnight to everyone that knows me and cares and thank you for being such wonderful people. And before I go.. thank you Linda for being so wonderful, caring and putting up with me whilst I am going through this journey.
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Its funny what 'coincidences' happen
So another day gone and I have been sat in bed this morning thinking about things yet again. Currently there is 8 days to go to the next Alpha Course evening, 2 and a half days till I get home and 4 days till church on Sunday. I am in a hotel in Coventry with my main phone which has internet access not working and my laptop which cannot get internet access either due to the 3G not working within the hotel boundaries and of course no-one has my number so I wouldn’t be getting any messages from anyone right now.
On top of this I am in the only hotel in the world it appears that does not leave bibles in the room which I enjoy reading and I left mine at home in the rush on Sunday. Overall I am thinking this is not particularly funny as I don’t want to be going this long time period without being able to look at things to do with Jesus and learn more.
Therefore I was sat thinking how can I keep this going and I kind of realised I have two options, well three. The first one is do nothing and wait, but as I said I really don’t fancy that. The second is I have a guitar which I am learning to play and can play a couple of worship songs, so I have played those and sung those (very badly… my voice is appalling, why is it a pre-requisite that if you play a guitar you are able to sing. Everyone else can do it ;)
The third is I can try and talk to God directly, oh wait that is prayer and I don’t do prayer. So just to understand the sense of humour that is going on here. I don’t do prayer but I have been put in a situation which is bizarre to say the least where I am pretty much being “forced” to pray if I want to continue my journey from here. The irony is not lost on me at all.
So this morning I have prayed and I have kept it simple. Another shopping list, I am quite good at those, but I think we all are really. It was a simple shopping list of one again, I just wanted to still feel involved and talked to during this time that I am separate from everything else that is going on around me. This is an opportunity for reflection, of course it is and reflection is good but I have enjoyed things so much along the way so far that I just don’t want them to stop.
So I asked for the stuff, yes I know Adoration and Confession first… but I am still poking an prodding, there is plenty of time for that later. I know that it is being selfish but if I did the Adoration and stuff I would be lying and it wouldn’t be coming from inside me, it would be to conform and me conforming hmmmm, that doesn’t happen too often. J
I think the strangest thing was I was getting something back and it is the same thing that I have been getting back for a few days, just with more detail on. It is the belief that I have to do something, not now, but I feel I am being given messages on things I need to share with people and also the way I should be doing it. I am not going to go into detail here because I know that some people who would be receiving this potentially may be reading this but I will at a later date I promise. All I will say is it is asking me to do things that I know I would never do.
I can only describe it as being equipped. I am a poor writer and author, yet people I know and some that I don’t are fascinated by this journey which is scary yet humbling. I thought this was outside what I was used to, the messages I have been getting are on a whole different scale outside my comfort zone, which is just crazy.
Oh my word look at the time, I gotta go and have breakfast before I go and start another day of training, day 3 and another great group of people. There might be some more later as this is the other tool I have been left with to communicate. TTFN (Ta Ta For Now)
Tuesday 22 February 2011
What a couple of days.....
So here I am in a hotel in Coventry at 6:40 in the morning adding to the blog. I am doing so because there have been some things troubling me in the last couple of days or so.
Firstly Sunday there was an interesting service at the church. We were given a sermon about the holy spirit which was extremely interesting. I have real trouble understanding the relationship between God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It was explained in a way that was new for me but it still didn’t make complete sense. I guess the bit I wanted to know is if there are the three of them who does what. How do you know if the Holy Spirit has been and the other question which is important to me. What if the Holy Spirit comes into my life and I am not paying attention and I miss it or I don’t understand what the holy spirit is doing. I don’t want to miss out. Anyway we were given the opportunity to see the Holy Spirit in action on Sunday night and unfortunately due to the fact that I have gone away for the entire week I did not take up the offer. In a way I’d love to have seen the holy spirit working and I have seen it a couple of times I think but there is no rush. Everything will happen within its own time and I just have to be patient.
The second thing that bothered me was on Sunday night. I have over the past 20 years heard about all sorts of things that have happened in the world, such as famines, Tsunamis and many other events where people have been killed in large numbers and they have never bothered me before. I have always turned the tele over and switched over to something else or avoided it. Anyway on the drive up to Coventry I was listening to the Steven Nolan show on Radio 5 Live at just after 10pm where they were talking to a doctor in a hospital in Libya where the latest set of uprisings are going on. He was talking about the things he was seeing and had seen 25 dead people that day. This became 26 when another person came in and he said “The head is apart from the body” meaning completely separate. The whole thing completely touched me and the whole event with Libya was now in my life. I can’t explain why or how, but it is. Anyway I felt this overwhelming sorrow for the people of Libya. I know no-one out there, have never been there and have no natural affinity with the country.
I also knew that Libya was different to Tunisia and Egypt who had been through this process in the previous few days, Again I can’t say why but I started to pray there and then whilst driving up to Coventry. I didn’t plan on it. I just did it. I remember what I prayed for this morning as it is still with me. I prayed for peace to come to Libya and for the people living there to survive and for the leaders and the military to stop killing their own people. I said to God I will pledge my life to you if you stop the killing. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I have told God if he stops the fighting in Libya I will pledge my life. But what about all my questions is what I have been thinking since. I was given some more wisdom on Sunday which was about my questions. During the service I was given a message from someone which said, keep fighting and keep asking questions. When you stop fighting for you keep fighting because someone else will need you to fight for them.
One thing that has been dramatic during the whole of the Alpha course and my journey is the number of words of wisdom that I have received from people. It is amazing the number of things that people have said to me that have left me with wisdom. On Sunday someone again took time to explain to me the Holy Spirit and I thought, why am I so special that you would take time to explain these things to me. What I do isn’t that clever or that important. I am not that impressive but people continue to take time to help me.
Currently as far as I am aware there may be a transition in Libya going on right now. I don’t really know as I don’t have a reliable internet connection. In fact I am writing this in Word because I am not convinced I can get it to the blog at the moment, but I need to make a record of it for my benefit.
But 2 paragraphs up I still cannot believe three things. One that I was touched by the situation in Libya the way I was, two that I prayed there and then and three that I said I would give my life to God if he sorted out Libya. I just don’t believe I did it. However I do know that it is the right thing to do. However God, sorry no adoration or confession in this prayer. Just a shopping list… of one thing but it isn’t for me so hope you’ll let me off. I prayed for what was in my heart and I just hope that was good enough. I guess that I will find out in the coming days and weeks.
Anyway I also wanted to write about Sunday because Sunday was fascinating about the Holy Spirit. It is the first chance I have had to really get to understand the Holy Spirit and to start to get an idea of what it is and how it works. The speaker at the sermon on Sunday gave a good account of what the holy spirit is doing within peoples lives and how it is doing it. Also what it is but not how you know it is there. I do have this huge fear that if the Holy Spirit does come into my life I will be looking the other way and I won’t spot the work that it is doing.
We also had a time of prayer if people wanted to be filled with the holy spirit and this made me laugh, not in a bad way. Firstly I was drawn to it like I was last week and wanted to go for prayer, but I look at it and go, if I go up what happens next. Am I supposed to come up with something for them to pray for me, because I know that I can’t because I’ve no idea half the time. This is one of the biggest things that stop me. Oddly I want to be prayed for and I haven’t been for a while that I know about and the people who were there any of them could have done it and I know so many of them well but I was too scared and nervous to do it. It is daft I know. I really felt I should have done it but I didn’t.
Then came the “pushing”. Two people looked at me from across the room and I just felt it was like I was being encouraged to go down to the front and be prayed for. Now I don’t think either of them were trying to pressure me, in fact would it sound strange if I thought they weren’t doing it themselves. I feel it was God putting the people I trust in a place to call me and tell me it was safe to go and do it. Still I did not move, I was still frozen to the spot. Anyway suddenly I feel these hands on my shoulders, and although I was a little surprised I wasn’t scared or worried or nervous. I was thinking come to me and pray for me. Don’t make me come to the front please. I turned round to see another person I trust behind me and he is giving me the message about keeping fighting. I remember him being there really clearly. He is an inspirational person, who has only recently given his life to God but he is a wonderful person. Anyway I remember during the conversation I am thinking, please offer to pray for me and it doesn’t happen. So why don’t I open my big mouth. I usually have plenty to say but apparently not on Sunday. I am so frustrated with myself again. I am not taking the opportunities that are in front of me. This is the second week in a row I have refused good opportunities. Oh yes and at the same time one of my favourite Christian Music songs was being sung. “Our God is Greater”
Just to frustrate me further I turned down a third opportunity in the same day. We had friends come back to the flat later in the afternoon for a cup of coffee which they did including one of the people who had looked over in church
I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I think I might have worked it out. God is wanting me to step out and say I am here and I have given my life to him because then I will be able to access all the joys of his kingdom. But I still haven’t done it. I have done it conditionally and I don’t know the outcome of that and will keep an eye on it during the weeks and months. I don’t know why I did it conditionally. It was just what was in my heart at the time. I really want to make the jump, come out of my cage that is surrounding my life and see the light but I just have this monumental amount of fear which in my life is ruling everything I do. I have never been scared of anything like this before. I wander sometimes if I am on my own with this. I would imagine I probably am not but you see if you don’t come across people in the same place then you don’t know do you.
One more thing I wanted to write about was something I have done which I am really sad about. I left my bible at home at the weekend and I am missing it like crazy. I want to pick it up and read it and look at the scripture and see what it says and learn more about God and Jesus and especially look up and learn more about the holy spirit. I am in a hotel in Coventry and there is no bible in my room. It is rubbish. I am going to tear the room apart later to see if I can find one but I do not hold out much hope. I feel I need to find one. So here I am in Coventry cut off from the Internet, cut off from the bible. All I have here is my guitar and my phone. Maybe I am just meant to be having time to think and ponder.
Wow this has certainly gone on. I can’t believe the length of this blog entry. I am looking at this going, I was only going to make a quick entry but I have got so much to say and there is so much more I could say. I am going to write some more tonight because I feel there is so much. It might not make sense but I am trying and fighting my way on this journey and I won’t stop fighting. The thing that makes sense though is that once I stop fighting it is all going to hurt a lot less and the conflict that it causes will be gone. For today I am in the rabbit cage with my paws on the bars trying my hardest to touch the floor with my nose without falling out. I think I’m going to fall out soon. I just hope that he is going to be there to catch me when I fall.
Saturday 19 February 2011
Rabbits and cages
So the world has changed for the rabbit again tonight, well actually it has changed for the rabbits. Yes they are now plural and no it takes longer than 1 day to make more rabbits.
Anyway as someone has been praying for the rabbit to come out of his little cage to see what i do they can feel reassured as early this morning the rabbit came out and is now exploring the bigger world.
Am I though going to move from my place with my feet on the edge of the cage, umm not yet but I do really want to come out but I guess there is still loads of fear about it. I know it is soon, I guess I am looking for something that is going to make the difference to come out, well, I figure it is going to be soon. For now I am watching the rabbit jumping round the room exploring, having fun and wanting to have fun myself. Well I am going to church tomorrow morning and I am going to see what it is going to bring. Maybe it is going to bring what I want. Well I am going to break with tradition and actually pray for an answer as to what to do now. It is probably the most sensible thing to do. Oh well until tomorrow. Time for sleep :)
Anyway as someone has been praying for the rabbit to come out of his little cage to see what i do they can feel reassured as early this morning the rabbit came out and is now exploring the bigger world.
Am I though going to move from my place with my feet on the edge of the cage, umm not yet but I do really want to come out but I guess there is still loads of fear about it. I know it is soon, I guess I am looking for something that is going to make the difference to come out, well, I figure it is going to be soon. For now I am watching the rabbit jumping round the room exploring, having fun and wanting to have fun myself. Well I am going to church tomorrow morning and I am going to see what it is going to bring. Maybe it is going to bring what I want. Well I am going to break with tradition and actually pray for an answer as to what to do now. It is probably the most sensible thing to do. Oh well until tomorrow. Time for sleep :)
How and why do i pray
So the fourth week has been and gone and more progress has been made slowly slowly. I have last night after a swift sprint back from Milton Keynes made it to the next session successfully although for a while I didn't think I was going to make it. I am now at the stage where every week of Alpha is exciting and can't wait to come back for the next week.
So this week is all about prayer and Nicky began with a list about what is Christian Prayer where we look at the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit and talks about our intimateness with the Father as the way to be and the way forward as it is the way that we have communications with home.
We went on to talk about the rewards of prayer and the fact that these don't always come in the way of answers. We get this overwhelming sense of joy and peace apparently when we pray and the results of prayer are quite important but the results of prayer do not always turn up in the form they were expected in.
Nicky also talked about whether God answers prayer and some of them are not answered or they are answered in a different way to the way that they are answered.
Then we got onto how we prayer which is broken into four parts and then Nicky referred to the Lords prayer which is a haunting idea from my past. It reminds me of sitting on cold gymnasium floors reciting "Our father" in a group of 100 kids at the age of 7. I think that is probably what the Lords Prayer means to me.
We then got onto the subject of how and when which covered with other people and I can't imagine the idea of praying aloud.. I'd either gonna fluff my lines or run out of stuff pretty much immediately.. if not sooner :).
So what do I make of this. First I don't pray very often. Apparently 75% of people pray once per week. Well I definitely have myself in the other 25%. Praying on the few occasions it has been done has been asking for stuff, not necessarily for me but asking for stuff none the less. The idea of giving adoration or confessing seems a bit of an alien idea but then I guess that is one of the reasons I am on the journey as I am learning these things as I go.
Prayer is very much an alien concept to me but it also has been a concept I just haven't tried alone the journey. In my opinion where I am today I don't consider it important. I want to learn and understand. To me reading the bible is the way to learn or to read literature. I guess I probably ought to try it more but you kind of wonder what to pray about.
I have seen answers to prayer which I can't explain especially about the rabbit and I know it seems mad but I have seen other answers to prayer too in the last week which I can't explain and which really wouldn't be possible or couldn't be explained. It does seem a very powerful tool, but I have only been involved with one prayer that I can remember and part of me thinks I have 1 prayer done, 1 prayer answered. That is a pretty good hit rate. Part of me doesn't want to ruin it. Why would you? What if next time you didn't get an answer or you potentially never got the answer.
I then was reflecting on some of the things that I have been doing during the past few weeks and look at the questions I was asking a few weeks ago and the ones that I am asking today. The whole tone has changed. The questions I was asking don't matter anymore, they are not relevant.
When I started I wasn't sure what was out there and if you'd asked my opinion I would have gone nothing probably. I have made some significant changes and discovered that God is out there, whatever that is. Unfortunately I always think of Morgan Freeman when I think of God as he has played him in a couple of films. But the peace and wisdom would be the way I would see it. He is not out to get us but to look after us, love us and nurture.
Which leads me full circle back to this blog. Why am I writing this? What possessed me to do this in the first place? I wrote this for me to track my own journey through Alpha and as a side effect made it something other people can read. What it actually has been is something far bigger than I could ever imagine. People take interest in it and think it is great and I am humbled by the interest that people have in what I have done. But why? I am a very poor writer, I have been told the way I write is not clear, simple to understand and not my natural forte. I am doing something way outside my comfort zone, but being honest to myself is what this is all about. But what if there is a higher power than us there who has decided to show me that the things I can do are very powerful and they are not through the skills I was naturally given, perhaps I don't know the skills I have been naturally given yet.
So where is my journey at the moment. I am still stood there like my bunny with my back legs in the cage and my nose head ears and as much as I can lean out without falling outside my cage. There is an expectation that I am going to come to Jesus soon, and I think that might be the case but exactly when and exactly how I still have no idea. I guess something will eventually make me brave enough to venture out. Not today though I don't think but then who knows because it is not in our hands if I understand correctly.
So this week is all about prayer and Nicky began with a list about what is Christian Prayer where we look at the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit and talks about our intimateness with the Father as the way to be and the way forward as it is the way that we have communications with home.
We went on to talk about the rewards of prayer and the fact that these don't always come in the way of answers. We get this overwhelming sense of joy and peace apparently when we pray and the results of prayer are quite important but the results of prayer do not always turn up in the form they were expected in.
Nicky also talked about whether God answers prayer and some of them are not answered or they are answered in a different way to the way that they are answered.
Then we got onto how we prayer which is broken into four parts and then Nicky referred to the Lords prayer which is a haunting idea from my past. It reminds me of sitting on cold gymnasium floors reciting "Our father" in a group of 100 kids at the age of 7. I think that is probably what the Lords Prayer means to me.
We then got onto the subject of how and when which covered with other people and I can't imagine the idea of praying aloud.. I'd either gonna fluff my lines or run out of stuff pretty much immediately.. if not sooner :).
So what do I make of this. First I don't pray very often. Apparently 75% of people pray once per week. Well I definitely have myself in the other 25%. Praying on the few occasions it has been done has been asking for stuff, not necessarily for me but asking for stuff none the less. The idea of giving adoration or confessing seems a bit of an alien idea but then I guess that is one of the reasons I am on the journey as I am learning these things as I go.
Prayer is very much an alien concept to me but it also has been a concept I just haven't tried alone the journey. In my opinion where I am today I don't consider it important. I want to learn and understand. To me reading the bible is the way to learn or to read literature. I guess I probably ought to try it more but you kind of wonder what to pray about.
I have seen answers to prayer which I can't explain especially about the rabbit and I know it seems mad but I have seen other answers to prayer too in the last week which I can't explain and which really wouldn't be possible or couldn't be explained. It does seem a very powerful tool, but I have only been involved with one prayer that I can remember and part of me thinks I have 1 prayer done, 1 prayer answered. That is a pretty good hit rate. Part of me doesn't want to ruin it. Why would you? What if next time you didn't get an answer or you potentially never got the answer.
I then was reflecting on some of the things that I have been doing during the past few weeks and look at the questions I was asking a few weeks ago and the ones that I am asking today. The whole tone has changed. The questions I was asking don't matter anymore, they are not relevant.
When I started I wasn't sure what was out there and if you'd asked my opinion I would have gone nothing probably. I have made some significant changes and discovered that God is out there, whatever that is. Unfortunately I always think of Morgan Freeman when I think of God as he has played him in a couple of films. But the peace and wisdom would be the way I would see it. He is not out to get us but to look after us, love us and nurture.
Which leads me full circle back to this blog. Why am I writing this? What possessed me to do this in the first place? I wrote this for me to track my own journey through Alpha and as a side effect made it something other people can read. What it actually has been is something far bigger than I could ever imagine. People take interest in it and think it is great and I am humbled by the interest that people have in what I have done. But why? I am a very poor writer, I have been told the way I write is not clear, simple to understand and not my natural forte. I am doing something way outside my comfort zone, but being honest to myself is what this is all about. But what if there is a higher power than us there who has decided to show me that the things I can do are very powerful and they are not through the skills I was naturally given, perhaps I don't know the skills I have been naturally given yet.
So where is my journey at the moment. I am still stood there like my bunny with my back legs in the cage and my nose head ears and as much as I can lean out without falling outside my cage. There is an expectation that I am going to come to Jesus soon, and I think that might be the case but exactly when and exactly how I still have no idea. I guess something will eventually make me brave enough to venture out. Not today though I don't think but then who knows because it is not in our hands if I understand correctly.
Tuesday 15 February 2011
A thought on what is to come
Well after the last few days which can only be described as unusual I have had a couple of days to take stock of where I am and where my journey is going next. There was an awful lot of me after Thursday thinking that maybe now is the time for me and it felt right but I didn't concede defeat (in a nice way). In spite of all that I have seen in the last week I am still not there yet. Put my logical brain on there aren't too many options for what could possibly be going on at the moment. There is either a mass of co-incidences OR there is a greater power out there than I can possibly perceive. I don't think the co-incidence thing is likely which last time I checked leaves me with one answer. I think that answer is frightening, scary, terrifying and in spite of everything still unbelievable. What did Sherlock Holmes say "when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"
It may be the case that it must be the truth, but my brain is not able to accept that or process it. It is too big to start comprehending. If this is what is going on then there is going to be an awful lot of acceptance from me to allow this to be in my life. Why do I feel scared? Well there are a few reasons. Lets start with the obvious. How big is what I am talking about? It doesn't get any bigger than this and it is not something you can do lightly. The size and enormity of it is just beyond comprehension. The second big reason is all to do with the meaning of what it would be that I would be doing. I would be giving my life over to Jesus and he will be taking my sin. Hope he has a big bag to carry it in! This would fundamentally rearrange my life. I feel like I am stood behind a line and if I take a step then I can go across. I have thought about doing it several times but I don't feel able to make that move. It is like I am paralysed to the spot at the moment. I am not sure how to cross the line or what to do without feeling completely freaked out.
I have sat and read this blog since I wrote it and look at the differences in the way that the inforamtion has been perceived since I started it. When I began I needed to know how everything was done, where it was done and was it real. Now I don't ask any of those questions. It is almost like I have accepted the fact these things were doable and have been done. I just have this last bit of fear to overcome if I am going to step forward. If I don't step forward I could see myself stepping back and running the other way.
As from the previous post there was the story of the rabbit which is in its cage flopped out behind me at the moment. I have left the door open for the rabbit to come out of its cage and into our home, but it is too scared and fearful at the moment. it has put its paws on the cage door and stuck its head out but it has always put its head back into the cage where it feels safe. It has leant most of its body out but left its back legs on the ground so it feels safe and secure. I guess that is where I am. I have poked my head out and leant out as far as I can without falling out of my cage. At some point I imagine the rabbit will jump through the door and come out into the big wide world but it has to be done in his time. This is the same as me waiting to jump out of my cage.
Sunday was interesting in the service, this week we had a family service which was really good. We had natural events such as pram racing for the children and I nearly got run over by a pram which was dead funny :P. We were talking about looking forward rather than behind us so that we could see the things that were important. There were a couple of strange events that took place during the service. The first was one of the songs that came on, I knew was going to be played even though I knew nothing about the order of worship. I knew this from the start. The song was "What a friend i've found". Honestly this is not one of my favourite songs, in fact it is one of my least favourite songs but it is one that has meaning as when someone was talking about it a few weeks ago it was sat open in the book in front of me when someone couldn't remember the song. It was a bit strange for it to come on in the service. Anyway that is the first event, the second was as always we were offered the chance to have prayer if we wanted to at the end, and I was drawn to go to our minister and ask him to pray for me but wasn't sure what for. I managed to chicken out of that as I thought I can't do that. I almost did and that was quite scary and I know I probably should have done it but fear won through.
I also feel that people are seeing a change within me. I still don't know why the change is happening but I know people are leaving me to make this journey in my own time. They are telling me to keep fighting and battling away but I do feel like I am being chipped away at and I feel I have caught him chipping a couple of times. It doesn't seem to stop it happening. I am wondering if there is much else to change any more. I bet there is and it will happen over time. I just know I am not going to make anything happen and just go with the flow.
Anyway onto the next week. This is week 5 and then we have a 1 week break for half term but I will still be writing in that time because i don't think my journey is going to go on hold whilst that is happening. So what is the topic? "Why and how do I pray?" I suppose if I am honest it has been when I need something and very rarely. How many of us can make that same confession? I know I am not the only person that does that and I also know there are people who attend churches that also do the same thing. I don't feel bad about that at the moment but not sure what I will think after Thursday. I guess I need to understand more about prayer and I have learnt bits and pieces from the house group I have attended and from going to the church on Sunday. I've no idea what this week is going to bring but I am going to be continuing to have an open mind and will be adding to this possibly Weds night, but am away for the next two nights until Alpha. I am interested and excited again about what the week is going to bring and I think I might take one of the books from here to read whilst I am away and see what that provokes. I have a hunger for this that I don't want to let go of and want to find out as much as I can.
It may be the case that it must be the truth, but my brain is not able to accept that or process it. It is too big to start comprehending. If this is what is going on then there is going to be an awful lot of acceptance from me to allow this to be in my life. Why do I feel scared? Well there are a few reasons. Lets start with the obvious. How big is what I am talking about? It doesn't get any bigger than this and it is not something you can do lightly. The size and enormity of it is just beyond comprehension. The second big reason is all to do with the meaning of what it would be that I would be doing. I would be giving my life over to Jesus and he will be taking my sin. Hope he has a big bag to carry it in! This would fundamentally rearrange my life. I feel like I am stood behind a line and if I take a step then I can go across. I have thought about doing it several times but I don't feel able to make that move. It is like I am paralysed to the spot at the moment. I am not sure how to cross the line or what to do without feeling completely freaked out.
I have sat and read this blog since I wrote it and look at the differences in the way that the inforamtion has been perceived since I started it. When I began I needed to know how everything was done, where it was done and was it real. Now I don't ask any of those questions. It is almost like I have accepted the fact these things were doable and have been done. I just have this last bit of fear to overcome if I am going to step forward. If I don't step forward I could see myself stepping back and running the other way.
As from the previous post there was the story of the rabbit which is in its cage flopped out behind me at the moment. I have left the door open for the rabbit to come out of its cage and into our home, but it is too scared and fearful at the moment. it has put its paws on the cage door and stuck its head out but it has always put its head back into the cage where it feels safe. It has leant most of its body out but left its back legs on the ground so it feels safe and secure. I guess that is where I am. I have poked my head out and leant out as far as I can without falling out of my cage. At some point I imagine the rabbit will jump through the door and come out into the big wide world but it has to be done in his time. This is the same as me waiting to jump out of my cage.
Sunday was interesting in the service, this week we had a family service which was really good. We had natural events such as pram racing for the children and I nearly got run over by a pram which was dead funny :P. We were talking about looking forward rather than behind us so that we could see the things that were important. There were a couple of strange events that took place during the service. The first was one of the songs that came on, I knew was going to be played even though I knew nothing about the order of worship. I knew this from the start. The song was "What a friend i've found". Honestly this is not one of my favourite songs, in fact it is one of my least favourite songs but it is one that has meaning as when someone was talking about it a few weeks ago it was sat open in the book in front of me when someone couldn't remember the song. It was a bit strange for it to come on in the service. Anyway that is the first event, the second was as always we were offered the chance to have prayer if we wanted to at the end, and I was drawn to go to our minister and ask him to pray for me but wasn't sure what for. I managed to chicken out of that as I thought I can't do that. I almost did and that was quite scary and I know I probably should have done it but fear won through.
I also feel that people are seeing a change within me. I still don't know why the change is happening but I know people are leaving me to make this journey in my own time. They are telling me to keep fighting and battling away but I do feel like I am being chipped away at and I feel I have caught him chipping a couple of times. It doesn't seem to stop it happening. I am wondering if there is much else to change any more. I bet there is and it will happen over time. I just know I am not going to make anything happen and just go with the flow.
Anyway onto the next week. This is week 5 and then we have a 1 week break for half term but I will still be writing in that time because i don't think my journey is going to go on hold whilst that is happening. So what is the topic? "Why and how do I pray?" I suppose if I am honest it has been when I need something and very rarely. How many of us can make that same confession? I know I am not the only person that does that and I also know there are people who attend churches that also do the same thing. I don't feel bad about that at the moment but not sure what I will think after Thursday. I guess I need to understand more about prayer and I have learnt bits and pieces from the house group I have attended and from going to the church on Sunday. I've no idea what this week is going to bring but I am going to be continuing to have an open mind and will be adding to this possibly Weds night, but am away for the next two nights until Alpha. I am interested and excited again about what the week is going to bring and I think I might take one of the books from here to read whilst I am away and see what that provokes. I have a hunger for this that I don't want to let go of and want to find out as much as I can.
Sunday 13 February 2011
Humourous aren't you...
My partner has just read my blog entry and had to pause the music so she could read it whilst I made some porridge. Anyway she finished reading the blog and I turned the music back on and the very first thing I get is "This is the first day of the rest of your life"(repeated several times) from "Hold us Together" from Matt Maher from the middle of the song. Oh there really is some strange messaging going on here. The music was on random and she stopped the song just whereever it was and forgot to start it so I clicked play and got that.... This is weird.....
So where does God leave me now
So a couple of days after my last entry I have had an interesting time. I have read a book on how a scientist came to religion in two nights called "Foolish to be Wise" and I have been fascinated by it, how he goes through an awful lot of the same things I am going through. It seemed too fantastic for words to end with all the things that Roy got from it but if that is waiting for me then it is going to be exciting. A really good book that makes you think really about where things are and where they are going. Quite staggering. Thank you to the people that lent it to me. I can think of a lot of other people that would love to read that book and could probably gain in the same way that I have.
The thing about it though was once I'd picked the book up I was hooked. I literally couldn't put it down at all. It was 20 hours from when i picked the book up until i finished it. Every free minute became about reading this book and understanding more and more about the journey this person had been on.
Which takes me back to my journey, my journey has been most remarkable to me where I have been fighting continuously but I am stopping and answers are potentially appearing to me. I know it depends on perspective. Anyway Friday night I was reading the book and felt this urge to start talking to God and asking him directly some questions. How can I do that.. Well I had a bit of a pray. It was short and confusing and certainly didn't win me any awards for ability, coherence, understandability and clarity but I did it anyway. The prayer was based around the one listed in Alpha Course book. However I did change it a bit for my own circumstances. It was changed to say, you have my attention and I am actively listening to what you are saying. If you are there come and tell me something that is impossible for me to interpret as something else and I will give my life to you. This was at 11:28pm on Friday 11th February. I would have written about it yesterday but I wasn't here at all. What happened afterwards doesn't appear to have anything amazing, no big white lights, fanfare or anything like that. In fact I went back to my book and read for another hour. The book was running parallel to my life at times. I was walking the same journey as Roy it felt like. Anyway I was reading the book before I was praying so I can't put anything down to that.
So on to yesterday when I have decided to take another chance. Rather than getting God to talk to me who is not a proper believer I decided to have a quiet pray to myself to get him to give a message to my partner to give to me, so to talk to her and if he talks to her then lets see where we go. Anyway we were talking last night and there didn't seem to be anything that had come out of the day and I decided that nothing was going to happen. Before I go on I need to give some background so please bear with me.
Last Thursday my partners dog had to be put down afte a long illness. She was extremely sad about it and still is and I feel really sorry for her. Anyway on Thursday we went to the garden and I suggested we went to the local garden centre to get some plants to put on her grave. While we were there we just decided to go and have a look at the pets and we say the cutest two rabbits I have ever seen. I don't do cute at all. Romance doesn't exist in my world. Ask my partner, she will tell you.. so nice fluffy bunnies don't have any impact on me until Thursday. Suddenly we were discussing the idea of having house rabbits, which can be done in a flat as long as you bunny proof the place. Well we didn't do anything from there but decided whilst we were in Swindon on Saturday I held one as I needed to check whether I had an allergy or not and it just snuggled right into my neck. Apparently it was very cute and I got rabbit fur on my face neck and hands so if I had an allergy it would show pretty quick. No reaction. Anyway we went back later and bought a book on rabbits and decided to see how much it would cost to buy the house and food, toys and all the other things. It was plausible financially so that was a good tick in the box. We then found a problem which was we were struggling to find where to put the cages as potentially we would need 2 for 2 rabbits and we didn't want to leave one on its own.
Back to the previous story now so I haven't had any messages from God or seen anything. My partner is flicking around various websites looking for cages and struggling to find cages. Anyway we ended up on a site called Omelet and found our way to free ads, no idea how, no idea the route to get there and there was an advert for a rabbit in Folkestone, which came with 2 cages, water bottle, food and everything that we needed to get started and a 2.5 year old rabbit which only lived inside. To my amazement she then picked up the phone and spoke to the woman, somebody she had never spoken to before and talked to her about the rabbit. My partner doesn't consider the idea of talking to anyone on the phone unless she has to but she just did it. I was sat on the sofa with my mouth wide open stunned that she had done this. Anyway she has arranged for us to go and get the rabbit today which is just awesome. It is really exciting and is going to be brilliant.
Anyway she comes off the phone and then tells me without any prompting the following. "I was praying for an answer to the question of the rabbit and was asking God why he was blocking all the things we were trying to do, moving home, getting a rabbit" This was 10 minutes before she found the website with the rabbit! The whole point of my prayer in the morning was that i wasn't going to ask, it had to be her telling me and out of nowhere this came. I asked for a message. Have I just got "I am here and I am listening" as my message. The size of what has happened has not been lost on me. How do I feel after that? A bit freaked and scared because could it be that a rabbit is going to be what could bring me to God. This just sounds a bit on the crazy side, no a lot on the crazy side. I also know that everything is going to be fine tonight and the rabbit is going to come home with us even though we have to make sure we like it first. All has gone a bit screwy. At that point my radio decides to go and put on "My Own Little World" hahaha stereo. You are just being funny talking about population me, as I am about to add to my own little population.
Today has been left with complete chaos now, with church this morning, lunch with a friend and then chase down to folkestone, but I am not worried about it. In fact i am looking forward to what is going to be happening today. Is this going to fulfill a purpose. I think I am going to leave it there for now and then I can assimilate some more info with church, lunch and drive later. May add some more tonignt. See ya.
The thing about it though was once I'd picked the book up I was hooked. I literally couldn't put it down at all. It was 20 hours from when i picked the book up until i finished it. Every free minute became about reading this book and understanding more and more about the journey this person had been on.
Which takes me back to my journey, my journey has been most remarkable to me where I have been fighting continuously but I am stopping and answers are potentially appearing to me. I know it depends on perspective. Anyway Friday night I was reading the book and felt this urge to start talking to God and asking him directly some questions. How can I do that.. Well I had a bit of a pray. It was short and confusing and certainly didn't win me any awards for ability, coherence, understandability and clarity but I did it anyway. The prayer was based around the one listed in Alpha Course book. However I did change it a bit for my own circumstances. It was changed to say, you have my attention and I am actively listening to what you are saying. If you are there come and tell me something that is impossible for me to interpret as something else and I will give my life to you. This was at 11:28pm on Friday 11th February. I would have written about it yesterday but I wasn't here at all. What happened afterwards doesn't appear to have anything amazing, no big white lights, fanfare or anything like that. In fact I went back to my book and read for another hour. The book was running parallel to my life at times. I was walking the same journey as Roy it felt like. Anyway I was reading the book before I was praying so I can't put anything down to that.
So on to yesterday when I have decided to take another chance. Rather than getting God to talk to me who is not a proper believer I decided to have a quiet pray to myself to get him to give a message to my partner to give to me, so to talk to her and if he talks to her then lets see where we go. Anyway we were talking last night and there didn't seem to be anything that had come out of the day and I decided that nothing was going to happen. Before I go on I need to give some background so please bear with me.
Last Thursday my partners dog had to be put down afte a long illness. She was extremely sad about it and still is and I feel really sorry for her. Anyway on Thursday we went to the garden and I suggested we went to the local garden centre to get some plants to put on her grave. While we were there we just decided to go and have a look at the pets and we say the cutest two rabbits I have ever seen. I don't do cute at all. Romance doesn't exist in my world. Ask my partner, she will tell you.. so nice fluffy bunnies don't have any impact on me until Thursday. Suddenly we were discussing the idea of having house rabbits, which can be done in a flat as long as you bunny proof the place. Well we didn't do anything from there but decided whilst we were in Swindon on Saturday I held one as I needed to check whether I had an allergy or not and it just snuggled right into my neck. Apparently it was very cute and I got rabbit fur on my face neck and hands so if I had an allergy it would show pretty quick. No reaction. Anyway we went back later and bought a book on rabbits and decided to see how much it would cost to buy the house and food, toys and all the other things. It was plausible financially so that was a good tick in the box. We then found a problem which was we were struggling to find where to put the cages as potentially we would need 2 for 2 rabbits and we didn't want to leave one on its own.
Back to the previous story now so I haven't had any messages from God or seen anything. My partner is flicking around various websites looking for cages and struggling to find cages. Anyway we ended up on a site called Omelet and found our way to free ads, no idea how, no idea the route to get there and there was an advert for a rabbit in Folkestone, which came with 2 cages, water bottle, food and everything that we needed to get started and a 2.5 year old rabbit which only lived inside. To my amazement she then picked up the phone and spoke to the woman, somebody she had never spoken to before and talked to her about the rabbit. My partner doesn't consider the idea of talking to anyone on the phone unless she has to but she just did it. I was sat on the sofa with my mouth wide open stunned that she had done this. Anyway she has arranged for us to go and get the rabbit today which is just awesome. It is really exciting and is going to be brilliant.
Anyway she comes off the phone and then tells me without any prompting the following. "I was praying for an answer to the question of the rabbit and was asking God why he was blocking all the things we were trying to do, moving home, getting a rabbit" This was 10 minutes before she found the website with the rabbit! The whole point of my prayer in the morning was that i wasn't going to ask, it had to be her telling me and out of nowhere this came. I asked for a message. Have I just got "I am here and I am listening" as my message. The size of what has happened has not been lost on me. How do I feel after that? A bit freaked and scared because could it be that a rabbit is going to be what could bring me to God. This just sounds a bit on the crazy side, no a lot on the crazy side. I also know that everything is going to be fine tonight and the rabbit is going to come home with us even though we have to make sure we like it first. All has gone a bit screwy. At that point my radio decides to go and put on "My Own Little World" hahaha stereo. You are just being funny talking about population me, as I am about to add to my own little population.
Today has been left with complete chaos now, with church this morning, lunch with a friend and then chase down to folkestone, but I am not worried about it. In fact i am looking forward to what is going to be happening today. Is this going to fulfill a purpose. I think I am going to leave it there for now and then I can assimilate some more info with church, lunch and drive later. May add some more tonignt. See ya.
Friday 11 February 2011
Week 4 - Faith Part 2
So now having finished work for the evening I will add the second entry of the day to the blog. I left part one where I had 5 things that had happened for me and then one that hadn't so that was interesting.. I then thought about what I have been doing with my own time out of choice, and what am I doing? questionning more about God and asking questions, at times it is what has dominated my life. Look back at number 5 on the previous blog and I am constantly listening to Christian Music, the word from God etc so "a new love for God" could be one which I haven't recognised yet, so potentially there are 6 out of 6. Wow!
So lets be rational about this and then ask other people what they believe about me, one of the closest people I have spoken to at church said I had changed and it was noticable the way I had changed. I asked my lady and she said I'd changed to and that she had noticed these changes in me as well especially the one about caring for other people. Now this is all pretty significant but what it doesn't do is say it is definitely the Holy Spirit in action... but I also can't say it isn't. This is big stuff, fundamental and life changing ultimately possibly.
So how many of my other questions have been answered.. ummm none... I look back at some of the things that people have told me while I was doing the Alpha Course and they have all began to happen and come true. One of my friends was telling me it would be like he would nudge you and then nudge you some more and keep doing it until you noticed. If that has been the case I haven't only been not noticing but I have been looking completely in the opposite direction! Maybe I don't need to fight, but I can work with what I have been given.
A week ago I was figuring I wasn't going to get the answers to any of the questions I was asking. The first thing is I didn't get any answers to any of the questions that I was asking. In fact I know no more than I did before other than the impact it is having on my life.
So lets put all that down to coincidence ;) (ok difficult I know but stick with me). Besides that list what else has changed.. well I have just pretty much stopped swearing. I know at times I have quite a foul mouth and on occasion I have said things that I probably shouldn't have said. It has just stopped. I am not trying. I just don't very much anymore. There appears to be a perfectly usable English Language.
So sticking with coincidence there were a series of three sermons which I blogged about in the early part of the blog, about being more "You-ier". I feel I am becoming more "You-ier" (Me-ier I suppose!) I am more the person that I am than I was. I don't feel the need to be anything that I don't need to be anymore. I have become more the person that I used to be 15 years ago. I wish I had challenged this then. I wonder what the outcome would have been.
I am currently listening to a song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I think my own little world might be about to get bigger. The words are "What if there is a bigger picture?, What if I am missing out? What if there is a greater purpose that I could be living right now?" I am here looking at this going. What if I am about to jump into a scary discovery that my own scientific brain cannot explain. And why do I seem to be heading towards it willingly? All new questions but now they are all about me and from a completely different angle.
Anyway so the "You-ier" bit appears to be making an awful lot of sense and all these things that have been placed in my way appeared to have been placed there for a reason.
I was able to talk to my friends around me about some of the feelings that I have when I am in the church and the discomfort I had at some of the things that are taking place and the fact that I feel self conscious when I am in worship becuase I wonder what I should be doing. I know relax and just let the moment decide. I have finally worked out I don't need to do or be anything at all. I always feel usually like everyone is looking at me. It is daft and stoopid but it is just what I have been feeling and it was great they would joke and laugh about it with me. That was just great.
So onto the next part, Grace, I remember a sermon about Grace and it is something that we are given although we do not deserve it. This seemed a really good thing to receive and I didn't understand fully at the time what it meant. Now I think I understand which is brilliant and it would just fabulous brilliant.
Linking to this is a new sense of peace that has come over me. I can't explain it very well but I feel much more at ease with myself and the world around me than I ever have been before. It is just wonderful to have that feeling. I am sure I am going to look back on this and try and work out how I went from being so headstrong and forthright to peace in the space of a few days but that is what is happening and I never tried to make anything happen.
The current series we are doing in church is relating to the Holy Spirit which is the bit I don't understand and have on many occasions looked completely baffled by, but I don't need to be. Is this timing so that I am given the understanding at the time I need it. Is everything being put in place for me to get through these hurdles that I am currently going through.
So sitting with this and everything that has been going where am I sat today, well I think it is quite clear. I haven't made the jump across but I am looking at it very seriously. At the end of the video I did say the prayer in my heart that was written in the Alpha Course book and I want to welcome him into my life. I just have to wait for an answer now, although I will probably try and do what I usually do and ignore it or miss it. I hope not.
Do I call myself a Christian today? A tough question but I still think I have to say not yet, but I imagine I am going to come across the time in the near future where that may change. If I meet God's love halfway then I am going to find something very exciting in my life coming up. I am going to scarper for now with that lot but I am definitely going to be back tomorrow as every thought I have is important, I want to treasure and be able to look back on. For the first time I believe this blog might be my journey to becoming a proper Christian.
So lets be rational about this and then ask other people what they believe about me, one of the closest people I have spoken to at church said I had changed and it was noticable the way I had changed. I asked my lady and she said I'd changed to and that she had noticed these changes in me as well especially the one about caring for other people. Now this is all pretty significant but what it doesn't do is say it is definitely the Holy Spirit in action... but I also can't say it isn't. This is big stuff, fundamental and life changing ultimately possibly.
So how many of my other questions have been answered.. ummm none... I look back at some of the things that people have told me while I was doing the Alpha Course and they have all began to happen and come true. One of my friends was telling me it would be like he would nudge you and then nudge you some more and keep doing it until you noticed. If that has been the case I haven't only been not noticing but I have been looking completely in the opposite direction! Maybe I don't need to fight, but I can work with what I have been given.
A week ago I was figuring I wasn't going to get the answers to any of the questions I was asking. The first thing is I didn't get any answers to any of the questions that I was asking. In fact I know no more than I did before other than the impact it is having on my life.
So lets put all that down to coincidence ;) (ok difficult I know but stick with me). Besides that list what else has changed.. well I have just pretty much stopped swearing. I know at times I have quite a foul mouth and on occasion I have said things that I probably shouldn't have said. It has just stopped. I am not trying. I just don't very much anymore. There appears to be a perfectly usable English Language.
So sticking with coincidence there were a series of three sermons which I blogged about in the early part of the blog, about being more "You-ier". I feel I am becoming more "You-ier" (Me-ier I suppose!) I am more the person that I am than I was. I don't feel the need to be anything that I don't need to be anymore. I have become more the person that I used to be 15 years ago. I wish I had challenged this then. I wonder what the outcome would have been.
I am currently listening to a song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I think my own little world might be about to get bigger. The words are "What if there is a bigger picture?, What if I am missing out? What if there is a greater purpose that I could be living right now?" I am here looking at this going. What if I am about to jump into a scary discovery that my own scientific brain cannot explain. And why do I seem to be heading towards it willingly? All new questions but now they are all about me and from a completely different angle.
Anyway so the "You-ier" bit appears to be making an awful lot of sense and all these things that have been placed in my way appeared to have been placed there for a reason.
I was able to talk to my friends around me about some of the feelings that I have when I am in the church and the discomfort I had at some of the things that are taking place and the fact that I feel self conscious when I am in worship becuase I wonder what I should be doing. I know relax and just let the moment decide. I have finally worked out I don't need to do or be anything at all. I always feel usually like everyone is looking at me. It is daft and stoopid but it is just what I have been feeling and it was great they would joke and laugh about it with me. That was just great.
So onto the next part, Grace, I remember a sermon about Grace and it is something that we are given although we do not deserve it. This seemed a really good thing to receive and I didn't understand fully at the time what it meant. Now I think I understand which is brilliant and it would just fabulous brilliant.
Linking to this is a new sense of peace that has come over me. I can't explain it very well but I feel much more at ease with myself and the world around me than I ever have been before. It is just wonderful to have that feeling. I am sure I am going to look back on this and try and work out how I went from being so headstrong and forthright to peace in the space of a few days but that is what is happening and I never tried to make anything happen.
The current series we are doing in church is relating to the Holy Spirit which is the bit I don't understand and have on many occasions looked completely baffled by, but I don't need to be. Is this timing so that I am given the understanding at the time I need it. Is everything being put in place for me to get through these hurdles that I am currently going through.
So sitting with this and everything that has been going where am I sat today, well I think it is quite clear. I haven't made the jump across but I am looking at it very seriously. At the end of the video I did say the prayer in my heart that was written in the Alpha Course book and I want to welcome him into my life. I just have to wait for an answer now, although I will probably try and do what I usually do and ignore it or miss it. I hope not.
Do I call myself a Christian today? A tough question but I still think I have to say not yet, but I imagine I am going to come across the time in the near future where that may change. If I meet God's love halfway then I am going to find something very exciting in my life coming up. I am going to scarper for now with that lot but I am definitely going to be back tomorrow as every thought I have is important, I want to treasure and be able to look back on. For the first time I believe this blog might be my journey to becoming a proper Christian.
So week 4 has been and gone and some evening - Part 1
So here I am the day after the biggest challenge I have had in a very long time. I am never going to fit this in one entry so there are likely to be 2 or 3 by tomorrow evening. (just a warning) I anticipated an interesting but extremely challenging evening about faith. I don't have faith, I don't understand faith and that was the starting point for the evening along with a lot of very unanswered questions. What happened next startled me more than anything else.
Initially I had a couple of conversations with people about the creation and the idea of it being literally 7 days start to finish... so 168 hours , 10080 minutes, 604800 seconds.. Think they are right. The conversations lead me down the idea that taking this completely literally may not be the best way to go. Having seen DVD's and stuff during the week which appeared to be not completely accurate in my opinion it was interesting to discuss these ideas with experienced Christians (there is an interesting phrase).
This led to the session starting late (sorry!) but already I was feeling a little bit better than I had been in the previous few weeks. So desert (yummy!) and a DVD about faith. As I start watching this I know already how I am going to approach it, "I don't have any", "I don't get it at all" .... and so on and I was feeling sorry for the people who were going to discuss it with me. Anyway we went through the idea of the book of god being the evidence and the resurrection being the event and it all seemed ok, sensible and nothing too difficult for me to grasp. Then Nicky mentions the two words that I have not been looking forward to hearing "Holy Spirit". The holy spirit is an alien concept to me and I had never got even a conceptual idea about this. Anyway Nicky starts running a list of ways the holy spirit can touch our lives... Great a list... I can do lists. I'm sure that I can comfortably disprove this entire list that is about to come out. The first one was "a new love for God" .. no issue there , don't have one of those so one to me :). Second "a desire to read the bible".. Well I have been asking questions and the further into this course I have gone I have to say the more that I do find out the more I want to know. so I'll accept that one... but the holy spirit doing it... nah!
Onto the third one "sense of forgiveness" ... this took me some thought, but I don't have any bitterness to anyone for anything they have done to me. This is something that has developed over the past 6 months maybe since before Alpha so maybe there is something there too.
Number 4 "new concern for others" My world has changed on the way I approach people with my job and my personal life, I have definitely changed on this one.... I am much more relaxed and giving and it showed on Wednesday when I was babysitting for a friend. There was a time that I would have been looking to get something for myself, financial or otherwise, but I would have had some motive. I didn't want to get anything from it and it just was not about me. The best thing was I had the most amazing feeling giving.
Number 5 "Enjoyment of worshipping God" This looks easy to say no till as last Sunday I left the service early because I found the whole thing too difficult to cope with so job done... but if only it was that easy. I have been working at home all week and have been listening to United Christian Broadcasting, World of Worship Albums or watching Videos off You-Tube, and I have enjoyed immensely having that in the background as my company all week.
Number 6 "Desire to meet other christians" Desire.. its just crazy, I can't wait to see them all on Sunday and I am already excited to be going to lunch with a couple who are just wonderful.
So lets add that up 5 i could agree with and 1 that I disagreed with. The next thought was, hang on, I didn't ask any of this stuff to change. I have spent the last 4 weeks fighting and fighting this whole thing and getting a bigger and bigger stick and hitting it harder and harder. Could something have happened? Have whilst I been working on my questions which I haven't had answers to something been working on me in the background? Have I been changing?
Sorry I'm off for now to finish off some work, but will be back later this evening for the next bit...
Initially I had a couple of conversations with people about the creation and the idea of it being literally 7 days start to finish... so 168 hours , 10080 minutes, 604800 seconds.. Think they are right. The conversations lead me down the idea that taking this completely literally may not be the best way to go. Having seen DVD's and stuff during the week which appeared to be not completely accurate in my opinion it was interesting to discuss these ideas with experienced Christians (there is an interesting phrase).
This led to the session starting late (sorry!) but already I was feeling a little bit better than I had been in the previous few weeks. So desert (yummy!) and a DVD about faith. As I start watching this I know already how I am going to approach it, "I don't have any", "I don't get it at all" .... and so on and I was feeling sorry for the people who were going to discuss it with me. Anyway we went through the idea of the book of god being the evidence and the resurrection being the event and it all seemed ok, sensible and nothing too difficult for me to grasp. Then Nicky mentions the two words that I have not been looking forward to hearing "Holy Spirit". The holy spirit is an alien concept to me and I had never got even a conceptual idea about this. Anyway Nicky starts running a list of ways the holy spirit can touch our lives... Great a list... I can do lists. I'm sure that I can comfortably disprove this entire list that is about to come out. The first one was "a new love for God" .. no issue there , don't have one of those so one to me :). Second "a desire to read the bible".. Well I have been asking questions and the further into this course I have gone I have to say the more that I do find out the more I want to know. so I'll accept that one... but the holy spirit doing it... nah!
Onto the third one "sense of forgiveness" ... this took me some thought, but I don't have any bitterness to anyone for anything they have done to me. This is something that has developed over the past 6 months maybe since before Alpha so maybe there is something there too.
Number 4 "new concern for others" My world has changed on the way I approach people with my job and my personal life, I have definitely changed on this one.... I am much more relaxed and giving and it showed on Wednesday when I was babysitting for a friend. There was a time that I would have been looking to get something for myself, financial or otherwise, but I would have had some motive. I didn't want to get anything from it and it just was not about me. The best thing was I had the most amazing feeling giving.
Number 5 "Enjoyment of worshipping God" This looks easy to say no till as last Sunday I left the service early because I found the whole thing too difficult to cope with so job done... but if only it was that easy. I have been working at home all week and have been listening to United Christian Broadcasting, World of Worship Albums or watching Videos off You-Tube, and I have enjoyed immensely having that in the background as my company all week.
Number 6 "Desire to meet other christians" Desire.. its just crazy, I can't wait to see them all on Sunday and I am already excited to be going to lunch with a couple who are just wonderful.
So lets add that up 5 i could agree with and 1 that I disagreed with. The next thought was, hang on, I didn't ask any of this stuff to change. I have spent the last 4 weeks fighting and fighting this whole thing and getting a bigger and bigger stick and hitting it harder and harder. Could something have happened? Have whilst I been working on my questions which I haven't had answers to something been working on me in the background? Have I been changing?
Sorry I'm off for now to finish off some work, but will be back later this evening for the next bit...
Wednesday 9 February 2011
OK here is week 4. How can we have faith?
So here I am the night before the next of the Alpha sessions, this one is titled, "How can we have faith?" This is certainly going to potentially be the most challenging yet of all the sessions I have attended as this is the one area that I struggle with. I guess the first thing that I will need to understand is what actually is faith. I guess from my point of view I am looking at faith being a belief in something that I cannot understand yet I will take as being true.
This is all very scientific, I guess but then it all has to be with me as that is the way that my mind is working still. So faith is going to be the biggest challenge of all to me.
I certainly don't say I have it at the moment, but that is also not to say that I definitely do not believe. I feel like I am looking for something but I don't know what that something is. Oh well, it is going to be a challenge but I am relishing the challenge.
With all the support around me, this will be interesting and I can't wait for tomorrow. Hebrews Chapter 11 is all about faith. I guess the challenge awaits and I look forward to it.
Who knows what it will bring and whether it will bring more questions than answers. It is quite daunting because i know it is a big topic and no doubt I will spend most of the rest of the week thinking about it but there is no bigger topic... Onwards and upwards.
This is all very scientific, I guess but then it all has to be with me as that is the way that my mind is working still. So faith is going to be the biggest challenge of all to me.
I certainly don't say I have it at the moment, but that is also not to say that I definitely do not believe. I feel like I am looking for something but I don't know what that something is. Oh well, it is going to be a challenge but I am relishing the challenge.
With all the support around me, this will be interesting and I can't wait for tomorrow. Hebrews Chapter 11 is all about faith. I guess the challenge awaits and I look forward to it.
Who knows what it will bring and whether it will bring more questions than answers. It is quite daunting because i know it is a big topic and no doubt I will spend most of the rest of the week thinking about it but there is no bigger topic... Onwards and upwards.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Why did Jesus die and the impact on me?
Well Tuesday night and this topic has had quite big ramifications on me. I certainly found this a difficult topic to understand and to even get to grips with. In fact I would go as far as to say I was more confused than ever after last Thursday.
This continued into Sunday morning when I felt extremely claustrophobic during the service. This is not because anyone did anything wrong, it is because I am pushing myself to try and get some answers to a lot of questions.I had to leave for about 30 minutes but did return for an interesting sermon. In fact to be fair they are all interesting. I guess it all became just too much for me.
Anyway a couple of really good things happened that day too. Firstly I was lent the first in a set of DVD's by Chuck Missler. The premise is supposed to be based on the science of the bible. This is a most interesting idea and it certainly has made me take notice and look at things in a plausible manner. This is the first time I have considered there is even a possibility the bible could be plausible. However there are several things that do not work for me such as the earth is only 4000 - 6000 years old. I know he is going to explain the dinosaurs later in the series but I don't think that is going to convince me. At least I have someone attempting to explain the bible in terms that I am more likely to understand. The second was the amazing respect people have for this journey and the help they want to give.
The thing it showed me is the fact that there is a possibility the whole thing is possible and possible in a way that is outside our understanding of time and space. Now I seem to sound a bit crazy but if there are things we don't yet understand could they be explanations for the bible. A real challenge, a new challenge possibly but a different one.
Anyway the most amazing thing that has happened during this course and time of challenge that I have been going on is the unconditional love and support I have had from everyone involved with the Alpha Course and the church that I have been attending. There has been no-one who has not been prepared to help me, answer me questions, accept my challenges and come up with solutions when I have gone, "How could that possibly have happened?" I am immensely grateful for everyone of them. All the comments and the conversations I have all give me a different angle to look at this from and it is inspiring to me. Yet again I had a great comment said to me as I was leaving Sunday which was "Ask God himself for faith". I think why not, it can't hurt. I would be no worse off then I am now. Another one of my friends told me that I would stop asking questions when the time was right and that it will sort itself in Gods time and not mine and not to rush.
Anyway week 4 is coming up and I am going to be having a challenge this week as it is "How can I have faith?" I am going to write a bit about my thoughts on that tomorrow.
This continued into Sunday morning when I felt extremely claustrophobic during the service. This is not because anyone did anything wrong, it is because I am pushing myself to try and get some answers to a lot of questions.I had to leave for about 30 minutes but did return for an interesting sermon. In fact to be fair they are all interesting. I guess it all became just too much for me.
Anyway a couple of really good things happened that day too. Firstly I was lent the first in a set of DVD's by Chuck Missler. The premise is supposed to be based on the science of the bible. This is a most interesting idea and it certainly has made me take notice and look at things in a plausible manner. This is the first time I have considered there is even a possibility the bible could be plausible. However there are several things that do not work for me such as the earth is only 4000 - 6000 years old. I know he is going to explain the dinosaurs later in the series but I don't think that is going to convince me. At least I have someone attempting to explain the bible in terms that I am more likely to understand. The second was the amazing respect people have for this journey and the help they want to give.
The thing it showed me is the fact that there is a possibility the whole thing is possible and possible in a way that is outside our understanding of time and space. Now I seem to sound a bit crazy but if there are things we don't yet understand could they be explanations for the bible. A real challenge, a new challenge possibly but a different one.
Anyway the most amazing thing that has happened during this course and time of challenge that I have been going on is the unconditional love and support I have had from everyone involved with the Alpha Course and the church that I have been attending. There has been no-one who has not been prepared to help me, answer me questions, accept my challenges and come up with solutions when I have gone, "How could that possibly have happened?" I am immensely grateful for everyone of them. All the comments and the conversations I have all give me a different angle to look at this from and it is inspiring to me. Yet again I had a great comment said to me as I was leaving Sunday which was "Ask God himself for faith". I think why not, it can't hurt. I would be no worse off then I am now. Another one of my friends told me that I would stop asking questions when the time was right and that it will sort itself in Gods time and not mine and not to rush.
Anyway week 4 is coming up and I am going to be having a challenge this week as it is "How can I have faith?" I am going to write a bit about my thoughts on that tomorrow.
Saturday 5 February 2011
Week 3... Why did Jesus die?
After the last week of the course I have been away all week and I have now got loads to say about what has been going through my head. I am starting with what was leading me up to Thursday. I have really been able to make some progress yet feel I had made none. I have been reading the bible trying to understand bits of it and listen to the music and things still keep coming back to the same point. Things I can understand are still making perfect sense to me, such as Jesus telling people and being a really good preacher. I can see that because it is very easy to understand in my "real world perception".
However if you ask me to believe in something that is clearly going against all perception and knowledge that I have such as performing miracles such as feeding 5000, healing lepers etc well I know in my logical scientific head that is not possible.
This leads me therefore onto this thing called faith. How do people get it? I can't see how or where or when you can find it. You are being asked to believe in something that is not possible. Sometimes it feels so confusing like there is never going to be a way through it. I am beginning to wonder if I will be sat at the end of this journey believing in the bits I can understand and never getting to grips with the stuff I can't. Honestly it is extremely scary the idea I might never get to believing.
There are people of a similar mind set around me, scientists and mathematicians who can happily believe in God and the miracles and everything else. Grrrrrrr so frustrating to see there is something they have that I can't have. I feel I am missing out on something and spend time hoping I will be able to find it one day.
Anyway onto week 3... why did Jesus die. Well before Thursday I figured I had a pretty good idea, Jew's hated him,Romans treated him as a serious criminal hence crucifixtion. Seems straightforward enough. But then there is the thing that I have always know is that he died to take our sins away....(Can you guess where this is going yet!). I was intrigued and hopeful that there might be something in the evening that would provide me the answers to some of the questions or something of inspiration that would make this begin to make sense.
Anyway the evening was good. The video was extremely interesting. Nicky Gumbel explained about the cross and what he did for us and that God loved us all so much he sacrificed his only Son for the sin that we did or are yet to do, so does that mean if we say sorry we can do what we want...... but that wasn't where I was concerned anyway. Jesus could have at any time apparently said that he was not the Son of God and then he would not have been crucified upon a cross. I didn't know that. Why didn't he just do it. Within the group we were talking about the whole thing and there is a film directed my Mel Gibson which I forget the name of where they show how gruesome the crucifixtion is. Just talking about it made me feel sick becuase it is so horrific.
So we sat and talked about it and then began to talk about sin and forgiveness and there is a section within the book of Mark (I think) where it talks about sin and there is a list of sins which are all relevant today so the idea of sin and forgiveness certainly appear to be relevant in the world today, so guess what. I can easily understand that. So far so good.
Then came the bit where it all kind of went horribly wrong for me. Jesus was crucified for you and me apparently. He takes away the sin of the world... Right, now I have a bit of a scale as to how completely impossible an idea is from say 0 to 10, 0 being completely expected and 10 being totally crazy to me. Feeding 5000 people from a few fishes and loaves maybe a 5. Healing lepers, maybe a 6, but now lets go to taking the sin of the world... This is a whole different scale of impossible in my mind. This is the 10 and will be the one thing that I cannot even possibly get my head round and comprehend. In fact if I compare it to some of the other things they appear almost easy.
I am completely now out of my depth and I have to apologise to all at Alpha as I lost it and got completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and I started to explain how I was feeling. I am sure I overtook the conversation out of sheer frustration. Here I am thinking I was on a journey to understand God, Jesus and religion and I am getting more and more confused. More and more lost with the whole thing. I desperately want to make at least some sense of it and I can't. I am now really worried that I won't make sense of it and won't ever be able to find the answers to the questions I have. If there is God and I can't believe I think that leaves me with a second death... certainly not desireable. This whole thing feels like it is unravelling around me at the moment, not helping me find the answers I am searching for.
The common thing that people have told me is that I will not get all the answers, in fact I will never get all the answers. Somewhere along the journey I am going to need to have faith and that is ultimately that is what this has to come down to. How do you get faith in something that you cannot make even a comprehension of. Oh my word, this feels like it is going horribly wrong right now and it is certainly not the place I expected to be. I hope I find a way through this and soon because it is not very nice.
However if you ask me to believe in something that is clearly going against all perception and knowledge that I have such as performing miracles such as feeding 5000, healing lepers etc well I know in my logical scientific head that is not possible.
This leads me therefore onto this thing called faith. How do people get it? I can't see how or where or when you can find it. You are being asked to believe in something that is not possible. Sometimes it feels so confusing like there is never going to be a way through it. I am beginning to wonder if I will be sat at the end of this journey believing in the bits I can understand and never getting to grips with the stuff I can't. Honestly it is extremely scary the idea I might never get to believing.
There are people of a similar mind set around me, scientists and mathematicians who can happily believe in God and the miracles and everything else. Grrrrrrr so frustrating to see there is something they have that I can't have. I feel I am missing out on something and spend time hoping I will be able to find it one day.
Anyway onto week 3... why did Jesus die. Well before Thursday I figured I had a pretty good idea, Jew's hated him,Romans treated him as a serious criminal hence crucifixtion. Seems straightforward enough. But then there is the thing that I have always know is that he died to take our sins away....(Can you guess where this is going yet!). I was intrigued and hopeful that there might be something in the evening that would provide me the answers to some of the questions or something of inspiration that would make this begin to make sense.
Anyway the evening was good. The video was extremely interesting. Nicky Gumbel explained about the cross and what he did for us and that God loved us all so much he sacrificed his only Son for the sin that we did or are yet to do, so does that mean if we say sorry we can do what we want...... but that wasn't where I was concerned anyway. Jesus could have at any time apparently said that he was not the Son of God and then he would not have been crucified upon a cross. I didn't know that. Why didn't he just do it. Within the group we were talking about the whole thing and there is a film directed my Mel Gibson which I forget the name of where they show how gruesome the crucifixtion is. Just talking about it made me feel sick becuase it is so horrific.
So we sat and talked about it and then began to talk about sin and forgiveness and there is a section within the book of Mark (I think) where it talks about sin and there is a list of sins which are all relevant today so the idea of sin and forgiveness certainly appear to be relevant in the world today, so guess what. I can easily understand that. So far so good.
Then came the bit where it all kind of went horribly wrong for me. Jesus was crucified for you and me apparently. He takes away the sin of the world... Right, now I have a bit of a scale as to how completely impossible an idea is from say 0 to 10, 0 being completely expected and 10 being totally crazy to me. Feeding 5000 people from a few fishes and loaves maybe a 5. Healing lepers, maybe a 6, but now lets go to taking the sin of the world... This is a whole different scale of impossible in my mind. This is the 10 and will be the one thing that I cannot even possibly get my head round and comprehend. In fact if I compare it to some of the other things they appear almost easy.
I am completely now out of my depth and I have to apologise to all at Alpha as I lost it and got completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and I started to explain how I was feeling. I am sure I overtook the conversation out of sheer frustration. Here I am thinking I was on a journey to understand God, Jesus and religion and I am getting more and more confused. More and more lost with the whole thing. I desperately want to make at least some sense of it and I can't. I am now really worried that I won't make sense of it and won't ever be able to find the answers to the questions I have. If there is God and I can't believe I think that leaves me with a second death... certainly not desireable. This whole thing feels like it is unravelling around me at the moment, not helping me find the answers I am searching for.
The common thing that people have told me is that I will not get all the answers, in fact I will never get all the answers. Somewhere along the journey I am going to need to have faith and that is ultimately that is what this has to come down to. How do you get faith in something that you cannot make even a comprehension of. Oh my word, this feels like it is going horribly wrong right now and it is certainly not the place I expected to be. I hope I find a way through this and soon because it is not very nice.
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