I can't believe this at all

So what can't I believe, well what has happened since Wednesday has completely blown my mind out of the water. I am going to start with the, well I don't know where to start. There have been so many amazing things that have happened within the last few days. Right I will try and start at the beginning. Firstly I am almost in tears as I am writing this. It has been such an emotional time over the past few days and I will never forget them.

So starting with the 29th April, this was the Royal Wedding day, and I was feeling different to the way I was feeling a few days earlier. I originally didn't care about the Royal Wedding. I was originally thinking why should I care about them? They don't care about me! but after Wednesday my mindset changed. I was thinking, I hope they are successful and their marriage works for them and brings them unlimited happiness. We (the church) locally though ran a street party for the locals in the area and I was helping out with setting up and I felt I had to serve in any way that I could. I wanted to do anything to help and be involved and to serve the local community and bring the word of God through our actions. If I could I would have done everything. I know that I did my share of the work especially as I was going with three children and the potential future inlaws but I still wanted to do more. I wanted to be a beacon for Gods light on the community and to let him take all the glory for our actions. I didn't want any of it. It was an amazing day and I met some locals for the first time ever which was brilliant. At this point I have only told my partner and one close friend who I had coffee with on Thursday which was wonderful. Unfortunately during the evening we found some rude drawings in the car that evening which was very upsetting and were trying to decide whether we should give our time to the community if there were bad things that were going to be done to us by them.

The second day of the community work was on the 30th April when we did the traditional clean up of the local area. I have through a combination of skill, talent and luck managed to miss the previous two years even though I have lived on the road where the whole thing was carried out. Anyway in spite of the previous nights issue we were driven and motivated on the Saturday morning and we got involved with three children in tow, including one with a broken arm! On Saturday morning I started telling people about what had happened the previous wednesday and got the most hugs that I have ever had from everyone. I was asked would I say something at church about what happened on Wednesday and I said I'd let them know tomorrow.

The first few jobs were nice and straightforward, collect rubbish from peoples homes etc. We then got to the third or fourth job of the day and we ended up in a garden with a lady and her two young children where we removed some plants from the garden which took the best part of two hours. During this time I understood what we were really doing. We were helping the community but also spreading our love for people which has done nothing but overflow from me since. The old me would have been irritated by small children getting in the way whilst trying to use pliers etc but it didn't matter. The worst that happened was it took a bit longer but it didn't matter, we were able to talk to the people there and it was just amazing. We just did it. What was funny was we didn't mention God or Jesus or anything religious but we felt our presence touched some people. Little was i to know how much I had touched someone at the time.

We then in the afternoon ended up with what I lovingly call "The bamboo garden". There was more bamboo in this garden than you could believe. It was just grown over the whole garden. Maybe in the region of 4 square meters. There was also other things in there that shouldn't be and there were over 15 people in this garden removing this bamboo to the best of our ability as fast as we physically could because the lorry was early and we all just mucked in and worked our socks off to make it happen. I almost got thrown out of the garden because i didn't want to leave with the job not complete. I was desperate to get through the job. It was funny because again  I would have historically gone, well good is good enough but here I am with my shoulders and back killing me trying my hardest to do as much as I can. I wasn't the only person, other people were really feeling it and it was amazing the way we all did it but it doesn't matter because it was for a greater good than us.

So God is really moving in me and I never expected it to happen, not like this. So that is Saturday. Lets move onto Sunday. Sunday 1st May 2011 we went to church and I spoke to the person in charge of the church and said I would say one sentance on the sunday morning. Anyway I remember this as i am sat in the front row in the middle, feeling very sick and very nervous at the idea of speaking in front of all these people. Anyway several times I think he is going to ask me to come up and he doesn't and finally he says. "I got some news Saturday which distracted me all day...." and I knew it was time. I didn't plan what I was going to say, I knew if I did I would mess it up so I trusted God to guide me and told people in more than one sentence, much more what had happened to me on the previous wednesday and at the end i said I'd given my life to God and the most enormous deafening din went up in the room. This enormous cheer went up, the like of which I have never ever heard in my life. I can't explain it. I know the sermons are recorded and if I can find it I would love to post it on the blog. I pretty much wanted to burst into tears on the spot. It was described as better news than the Royal Wedding and I am emotional just thinking about it right now.

I then asked for prayer for the first time afterwards and it was just truly wonderful. So is that it from Sunday, no. I decided to go to the church prayer meeting in the evening and got surrounded by four people who prayed for me and it was just the most uplifting experience, this is just such an awesome day. I can't begin to describe how beautiful the moment was as they prayed for me and I felt the power of God coming into me and God's love filling me. I have always run away from anyone praying for me and for once in my life I just didn't want it to end ever.

So onto May 2nd, my birthday, nothing else could possibly happen could it now. I am now 37 years old, not 38 as I thought! and I got a degree in maths. We spent the morning at home with the bunnies and restarted the bonding process which was a massive success as they were together for over 2.5 hrs which was the longest ever and it was beautiful. Eventually we went into town and decided we were going to have a vegetarian breakfast at a cafe in town.

So we got into town and ordered our breakfast and who should walk in but one of the young kids from one of the gardens we had worked in during the weekend. Anyway my partner thought she could hear him and I went no don't be silly. I was wrong, he came up to our table and said hi and started chatting to us. He remembered us from the weekend and he was there hugging us and smiling and laughing and even wanted to take us out with him for the day. He was with someone different to who he was with on Saturday so we told him what we had done and other people heard and the word of Gods work was spread again without him being mentioned, all because one child had remembered us. We must have touched his life through God. How amazing is that. I can't believe that it happened and it was just the most wonderous experience.

So it is now Tuesday night / Wednesday morning and I feel like i have written war and peace. I just want to get as much of this as I can, I want God to have full control over my life and direct me to the next things that I should do. It seems such a long time to Sunday. I am currently in Scotland and am hoping to get back for our house group on Thursday as that will mean an awful lot to me to be in Gods presence.

My plan is still to write my next entry on or about the 12th May but with what is going on I wouldn't count on it. If you read this please comment it would be great to get any feedback. TTFN

An extra post than was expected

So here I am, back again. I said the next and last entry would be about May 12th for now. Well that was my plan, however there appear to be other forces in place. Let me tell you a story. Here I am April 27th sat in a cafe in my home town during the holiday caused by the series of bank holidays and three days off that were in the middle and this is how i got here

I have decided to amble into town to go and have a cup of coffee and relax and I mean properly relax. The sun is shining outside and it is at least 22'C. It is beautiful outside at the moment. I have decided to take a book with me to read and I have chosen Rick Warren "A Purpose Driven Life"

Anyway I am sat on a little patio table outside this cafe reading my book. I started with the introduction and all that good stuff and the first thing it says is that the book is split into 40 separate chapters and you should read one per day and meditate on it. Well so I started to read the first chapter and turned the page and ... I was at the end of the chapter. Hang on a minute I have barely poured my cup of tea so I might as well read chapter 2 as it is the only book I bought. Tea is still hot, time for chapter 3 and chapter 4. OOh but I have a pot of tea in my hand so I can have another cup of tea, that is enough time for chapter 5, and 6 and 7,8,9 and 10.

However something starts nagging me when I get to chapter 3 and 4, it is going on about knowing what your purpose is and this starts to get worse as i go through the next few chapters. This nagging starts really getting quite uncomfortable and then I realise something monumental, I don't know what my purpose is, because I don't have one. I am existing from day to day without meaning, without any real purpose here. I am existing rather than living.

All of a sudden it all makes sense, what i am missing is the sense of purpose in my life. I have stopped asking questions weeks ago. I am comfortable in most of things that go on and what I am not comfortable in isn't God, it's me. I have been missing out on something and have been looking at people who have something that I don't, that I would love to have and I need a purpose. But now I have worked out my purpose to serve God and Jesus and have my sins forgiven because Jesus died on the cross for me and guess what he did.

So at 14:20 on Wednesday 27th April 2011, sat at a patio table in the town centre with people walking past and going their own ways through town I bowed my head and asked for forgiveness for my sins and started a new life, walking with God. It was a simple prayer no more than a minute long. Then I just sat there at the cafe for another 20 minutes challenging what i'd just done, was it right? well yes it was and I was confident in what I had just done. After all that I have done and all the people I have had around me the entire time i have been doing the Alpha Course, something that is nothing to do with the alpha course has changed my life and in a quiet, unspectacular way, in fact no one else would even have noticed.

Anyway I walked home afterwards and looked around and the world around me had changed, or so it appeared. In fact I don't think the world around me had changed. I think I have changed and the way I view the world is different. The sky is more blue and the trees and leaves are more green. Everything has changed in the world and now I wonder what is to follow over the next part of my journey. The journey so far has been truly amazing and I am just smiling continuously all the time. I can't do anything but smile.

I haven't written this at the time I have posted it but symbolically I have dated it at the time I gave my life to God. I am now going to go and see what is new in my life as a result of this.

The last Alpha Session

So the final session of the alpha course has now taken place and it was the best of the sessions that I have been to of the entire session. Well I am getting a bit ahead of myself already so I had better rewind a little bit first....

The topic for the last topic is "What about the church?" Well this to me at first glance seems a pretty non-eventful, unexciting topic and to be honest should be. This is going to be about buildings and churches and the like isn't it... ummm no. That was the first suprise of the session. So then the first question to ask is what is the church all about. Well the church is the people that make it up. The building itself isn't the church and that was the thing that really took me back. I always thought the church was the place where worship was done and created but apparently not. What do I know. You'd have thought I would have got the hang of this right now, but apparently the answer is no I haven't. Anyway we had the last video and Nicky continually went on about the people being the church and God's church was made up of the most valuable resource there is.. people. It is a different perspective on the world and one that I didn't think was going to be one that really could exist.

Anyway we had the video and then broke into the smaller groups as we have done week after week. This time there was a difference and that was there were no questions to discuss. That is going to make life interesting so what happens next, well the one thing that i really didn't expect to happen. We discussed the video and the contents of it without discussing the video. Did that make any sense? Probably not but i'll explain it. The group I was sat with consisted of 4 people who were Christians and myself. Anyway what we discussed was actually what we were all going to do next once the course was over and you may be thinking what has that got to do with the church. Well if the church is the people and they are the resource that the whole thing is made up of then the people are all working together towards the common goal, so we sat there and chatted and decided we were going to go to Holy Trinity Brompton to one of their services as that is where the Alpha Course started and maybe see Nicky Gumbel speak in person. Second to this me and my partner decided to go to the big church day out in Worthing this year, as the music is always good and we enjoy listening to the worship and praise music.

Suddenly the fellowship that was being talked about during the video and the people being the most important resource that there is was coming to the fore and the thought of going along for this was one of those things that didn't phase me. Everyone was really uplifted and happy yet it was a compeltely unplanned evening with no questions and masses of fun and laughter. It was just brilliant. A wonderful way to finish the Alpha Course, although of course I haven't finished the alpha course as we have a post alpha supper on May 12 to conclude the entire course. That will be the last item on the course but we have done all the talks we are going to do. We have decided that we are not going to do the session about "How do I make the most of the rest of my life?" which is a shame but I may borrow it on DVD to see what it is about.

So the big question that really matters to me is this one. Three months of alpha course, nearly 40 blog entries, and an awful lot of reading, time and commitment into investigating God, where does that leave me. Well I didn't find God or give my life to Jesus, which will be of disappointment to the people that I know. I didn't find whatever it was I was looking for in my life from the course. However on the good side, I haven't gone I definitely don't believe. There is another Alpha Course in September which I have already decided I am going to do as I believe that I haven't answered all my questions yet. I still don't really know what they all are, but I really hope that I come to an answer one of these days. Am I still going to continue attending church? Yes, with the same nerves and anxiety that I have had for a long time. I have to be honest and say that I do not know if I am ever going to find the answer that I am looking for, either one way or the other. I would like to get a definitive answer to whether this exists or not, but I am not someone that is going to have faith easily. The faith is the one thing that is missing from my life and it is something that I am not going to be able to get without something amazing happening.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me with the journey up to this point and you all know who you are including those people who have contributed on this blog. Please continue to post comments if you wish to, I will still be monitoring this in the future and I will post after the meal in May to close the blog down for the time being but it will be back in September when I do this all over again. I have had a wonderful journey and being able to write about it has been brilliant. I thought at times I was writing far more than I needed to but I can look back at the story of this course. Maybe it will be helpful for people out there. I recommend giving this to anyone who wants to read it. It doesn't have the answers because I don't have the answers but enjoy reading it because I enjoyed writing it. Goodbye for now and thanks to everyone who has been with me while I have done this.

Does God Heal today?

So this is the next topic on the course and well this question looks at first glance like quite an easy question for me to answer. I think the answer has to be no. Probably not the right answer. I have no knowledge of this or any experience and even less of evidence in the healing area so I guess I am going to learn all about this tonight.

When I say no, it doesn't mean I am not open to it, it means literally i have never seen or experienced or come anywhere near God healing. So this is certainly going to be a new topic for me to cover tonight. I have never asked for healing and only know a couple of people who have asked for this.

So I do wonder what is going to be covered within the topic tonight. I guess that this is going to relate to some of the miracles that Jesus performed about making blind men see and curing leprosy. Does that happen today, well all I know is that occasionally people recover from incurable illnesses, people get sight back who should never see again, people walk who the doctors say will never walk. I suppose the question comes from me along the lines of, is it that we don't understand the way the human body works or is it something more than that.

This is one session I am particularly curious about because I don't have any experience in this area at all and am interested to know more or understand what could happen. I am hoping that people are going to share some real stories with us about things they have seen. In fact I have just been reminded of one which someone told me and I have no reason to dispute them. I guess I would love to see it happen for real for myself. Oh look that leads onto the bit of the whole jigsaw that is missing. That will be the faith bit then. As always it always seems to be coming back to that. I am happy with most things and the questions and answers that I get but again where am I going to find the faith bit.

Here we go off topic again. This thing called faith is a real concept that I have more trouble with than anything else. I am not even sure what it is anyway. If i believe that God exists and that Jesus ran around the earth for 33 years (I think, sorry if I'm wrong) am I already most of the way there or am I really missing the whole thing here. This faith thing really does my noggin in. I would love to get a good understanding of what it is and what it does and I guess how do I know if I have got some?

I have found some more questions finally, maybe I can crowbar them into the conversation tonight and get some answers, that will certainly be a challenge. It is good to have some more questions.

Anyway before I go tonight, I'd just like to add my fingers really hurt now from playing guitar. Do they ever stop hurting. TTFN

Baptisms

So baptisms then. Last Sunday there were five of them. I am thinking this is going to be a massive achievement to do five in a morning and I was really worried they would not manage to do it. However I was wrong and more than happy to be so as they succeeded in it.

The first thing to say is I have seen a baptism once before from the back of a very crowded church so I am not sure at this point what to expect. These were much more simple to see and watch. So anyway everything was relatively normal initially apart from the lack of a cup of tea, but we made up for that at the end of the session :).

We started as normal and sung 2 or 3 songs which is always good. I am currently trying to remember all the upbeat songs we are singing on a sunday so I can learn them on my guitar which I spend a good couple of hours a day practising with.

After that each of the people who were going to be baptised came up the microphone and told their story of how they got to where they are today and how they are going to progress in the future and how they wanted to give their life to God. Now me I am a trainer/consultant who can spend an entire week stood in front of an audience, cracking really bad jokes, laughing around at the same time as teaching a really serious subject and apparently I am quite good at it. I still haven't worked out why but that is a totally separate topic so I'll come back. There is no way I could ever stand in front of all those people and do what those five people did. The whole thing quite honestly terrified me. I am just truly in awe at all five of them for managing to stand there in front of over 100 people and do that. Too scary for me by far..

Anyway they all said their bit and we had a short talk from one of the church leaders which was good about the baptism and what was going to happen. We then went into another room where each in turn was baptised by being fully submerged in water and then their new life being "born". It was a really happy occasion amongst the church and I did get asked would I do that? I have to confess my answer was no and it was nothing to do with the water.

It was good to see and it showed me how far I really am from accepting the whole thing into my life. I guess I have a long way to go and an awful lot of questions to get answered yet. That led me onto thinking what are the questions that I have outstanding. I have been thinking about this on and off for a few days and I think I have run out of questions for the time being. I am wondering whether that at the moment is because I am still a little nervous from a couple of weeks ago. It is most curious not to have any questions that I need an answer to. Maybe that is telling me something in its own right, but I have no idea at all what it is telling me. It would be far too easy if it was telling me.

How should I tell others?

So leading up to the next session things have been fairly
similar to last week with little changes. I have been still not reading the
bible or any other Christian based text for that matter. I am still just
recovering from the incident 10 days earlier. It really did me a lot of harm
and I guess it shocked me so much that it has taken me a long time to get back
onto an even keel. However i have started picking up my guitar and am now
playing again which is really good. I have done a few songs and now maybe have
a few that I can play. It is great to be getting better. To be fair I probably
couldn’t be much worse than I was but I have really got sore fingers now from
playing.

The thing that I keep thinking about is with all of the
choices of music that are around that I could play I spend the majority of my
time playing Christian music which is strange. Especially as i haven’t given my
life to God. I continually get this nagging feeling that I am going to discover
at some point that the reality is that I am going to look back and go when did
that happen.

For the time being though I am going to look forward at what
I am going to do next and see what the next week hold. So the next one in the
series continues with How and why should I tell others?

My initial thoughts on this was How and why should I tell others what? That I
am attending an Alpha course? Or that I have become a Christian. Well I haven’t
done the latter so I guess I would have to stick with the first of these. Well
for me it was easy, I just said to people I am going to have an explore and go
and find out more than I knew at the moment. I said I was just curious and
people have gone good on you, go see what you can find out. I am really pleased
with the response that I have had.

I have had people ask me about it and what it is like, which
I think is interesting. I didn’t tell them with that intent I was just saying
what I was doing.

At 5:15 in the evening I am at Edinburgh Airport late to
take off on a flight to Gatwick. By 7:45 I am sat in the Alpha room watching
the video, 1 hour from Gatwick. How is that for commitment, don’t ask me how I
did it, but I did not break the speed limit at all. Petrol is too expensive to
do that. I just pretty much jumped on the bus and ran.

So to the evening now. Again it is focusing on the fact that
you have already made the leap into being a Christian which if you haven’t got
there makes it a bit of a strange topic. I guess this is a topic that I am
surprised is within the boundaries of the Alpha course as to me this doesn’t
seem to be a topic that will empower you to find out what the whole thing is
about. I think the course as a whole gets little benefit from this section and
I was watching the video trying to understand its relevance to the course as it
talks about persuading people and things like that. I felt it was too early in
the journey to be discussing that and that maybe it would be better if it
followed on at a much later time in development.

If you are already a Christian I can certainly see however
that it is a really good topic to discuss as I imagine that a lot of people
struggle to tell the people around them what they are doing and about this part
of their lives. Nicky sums it up well when he refers to swinging from
insensitivity to fear! I can understand that as a possibility.

We then had a good discussion about how we would tell people
or how we would want to be told. My opinion on this was quite simple. It is
straightforward, well at least I think it is. If I was to talk about it the
best I can do is talk about my experiences rather than trying to persuade
someone my way is best. If I leave the option open to them to ask more
questions in their time if they are ready and I make myself available I can
talk to people in a way that matters to them at a time that is right for them.
I’m not sure I could ever go to someone and say to them, you should turn to God
now your life is not very good as he will cleanse your sins and provide you new
life. Or words to that effect because I know that isn’t going to work.

I think the reality is that different people have different
skills, abilities and talents, some people are good listeners, some people good
talkers, some people inspirational, others sit in the background. There are
opportunities for all people to communicate their beliefs in a way that is
comfortable to them at their own time and in their own way because people
receiving are all different and if they weren’t different we’d all be very
boring.

Anyway there were baptisms on Sunday. They are next J

How can I resist evil?

(This entry is from the 17th March)

Here we are on the first Thursday after the Holy Spirit
weekend. I have to say that I am a little nervous about what the evening held
for me but generally it appears to have gone ok. My partner has agreed to come
along to the rest of the Alpha sessions with me as she is going to support me
which I am really happy about and really grateful to her for doing so. Also I
know that she is giving up her own Thursday nights to do that with me so Thank
you again J

Anyway to the evening. The topic on this Thursday was How
can I resist evil? I have to say my initial thought on this one was (a bit sarcastically
as always) I don’t have to. I haven’t given my life to Christ yet so I don’t
need to worry about it anyway J.
The first thing about this evening is the video does assume that you have given
your life to Christ and is now talking much more about how you live your life
as a Christian rather than providing information. That was really noticeable
actually from the way the video was.

However the discussion afterwards I thought was fantastic.
We were sat discussing the merits of Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries and Lord of
the Rings. The reason is because these all deal in magic and Harry Potter
especially deals with the dark arts. These are technically considered “bad” for
you as a Christian and it was interesting to see how people dealt with that.
The thing that struck me was that the reaction of everyone was we all read these
books or watch the films etc. That was quite good to listen to and hear. The general
idea was that it was based around the person and the type of person that they
are. For example lots of people play computer games which go around killing
zombies etc, however they don’t go out straight afterwards and mow down an entire
neighbourhood. It is known however there are some people that are affected by
some of these things.

The second area that is covered off is looking into the
future (Ouija Boards, Horoscopes, Fortune Telling, Psychics etc). You are not
supposed to look into your future. Again at times it can be difficult to avoid
some of these things. Horoscopes for example appear on website and in all sorts
of places and you don’t always have control over the information that you get
access to. I have done most of the above list at some point. I like loads of
other people had a go at a Ouija board at University as we all pushed the glass
round the table, have read horoscopes and had my fortune told or read at some
point. I can quite happily confirm I don’t believe a word and Psychics I don’t
believe a word of. To me it is all absolute rubbish and doesn’t work at all.

It was a really enlightening discussion as I believed that
the Christian faith as a whole would be quite strict and hard line on some of
these things especially from some of the things that I have heard in the past.
I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that people were quite relaxed about
some of the books that were being discussed. The thing that particularly
surprising was that in reality living by these values didn’t make any
difference to my life at all. I think that is really good if I ever want to go
further down this route.

Besides that I haven’t really done much with the bible or
pray at all. I have decided to have a low key week and have just done the
minimum and let things tick over for a bit. That was probably a good idea as
the whole thing was very intense, but then I guess that is not surprising.

I also had a really good open honest conversation with the
minister about the holy spirit weekend which was really well received so  I am pleased that I am able to talk to people
honestly about the experiences I have been through. I am really pleased with
it.

Anyway I am beginning to feel a lot more positive about the
whole thing. I wouldn’t say it is perfect or I am feeling as confident as I was
before but I at least am feeling like I want to be engaged back with the course
again.  That is where things were left on that Thursday

First Entry back :)

Hello blog and hello world, its good to be back. Having had
a difficult couple of weeks I have managed to get back to adding to the blog. Before
I get to where I am now here is what has happened since the last entry.

When I left the last entry I was extremely unhappy with the
way the holy spirit day had gone and was finding the whole idea really
difficult. I spent the two days Monday and Tuesday that week talking with some
friends to discuss what happened and how I was feeling. After that had all
happened my main feeling was being quite vulnerable to what had been going on
around me. I was starting to think that maybe it all wasn’t true and that I was
being carried along by the crest of a wave. Having spoken to people I got an
enormous amount of support from lots of different people and I am extremely
grateful for all that support.

There is one thing that really does strike me about the way
the course is. I have found that the course has changed since the holy spirit
day. Before the holy spirit day it was very much about information but there is
almost an assumption that everyone has given their life to God during holy
spirit day. Looking at the topics that are following that weekend are How do I
resist evil? and How and why should I tell others?

I spoke to quite a few people and I decided the only thing I
could do was to be completely honest with the everyone and I told them what had
caused me difficulty and why the day hadn’t worked for me. I believe that they
took what I said constructively. I really hope they did anyway. I said in my
last entry that I found the Sunday really difficult after Holy Spirit day but I
decided not to give up on the course and did attend on the following Thursday.
From there the story is going to continue.

Holy Spirit Day .. 2 Days on

So two days after the holy spirit day has happened where am I now? Well as the initial entry says it really didn’t go well for me. Anyway I have persevered on with my journey over the weekend and I did go to church on the Sunday afterwards. I was really worried about going to church on Sunday morning because I didn’t want to tell people that are friends that it didn’t go well for me. In fact I think that the way it went will upset people when they find out and that is the last thing that I want to do.

I went to church anyway and sure enough I got asked about how the session went and I was honest and went not good and explained some of the things that had really caused me problems during the day. Anyway we started on the worship and I just honestly was not interested at all in what was going on around me. I have never felt like that during the service, I have been known to drift in and out at times based on what is going on etc but never been completely out of it as it were. I remember well that I was watching the guitar playing which was as good as it always was during the worship but I also know that I wasn’t joining in at all. I just didn’t want to, which for me was very sad. I feel like the connection or potential connection I was having was broken down during the Holy Spirit day and I am not sure where to go next. I wish I knew but  I also was disconnected from the sermon, which actually was something that had been done at the house group a few months before so it wasn’t anything new. Of all the days for me to be disconnected was something I had done recently. A coincidence maybe.

I just didn’t feel any connection at all and was nervous and edgy the entire time. I guess things did change on Saturday but they didn’t change in any way that was positive for me. What happened really has not done me any good. Anyway I got away from church much quicker than I have ever done before but with a lunch or coffee invite which will be good. I just felt completely claustrophobic and just surplus to requirements, a fake, a fraud whatever words you wish to use.

Anyway I went back home in the afternoon and cleaned out the rabbits and sorted them out and they started to fight too L which means that bonding isn’t going as well as hoped either. The whole world is having a bit of a moment and it isn’t funny right now.

When we got home, my partner wanted to listen to a sermon from the week that we missed to be with the children, and I said it was fine however I wondered into another part of the flat to avoid it. I didn't tell her about it at the time, only later so she had no idea what I had done! She now wants to murder me for not saying something at the time.. Oops better grovel....  Normally I am dead curious but at the moment it just not there. It is all gone quiet and sadly so too. I decided I wasn’t going to touch the bible, pray or do anything with it for a few days, so this is going to be the last entry certainly until later this week.

The thing I have decided though is that I am going to complete the course as I started  it as I will find out all there is to find out and will decide what to do at the end. As I said things aren’t good right now and I feel as far from God as is possible. That is without taking into account the battering that Japan has been taking from the Tsunami and Earthquake. It’s all not fair right now. We should all be out there digging people out with our hands if we have to. Its just not right and it all stinks.

But I feel well out of it today and quite stubborn and closed off. I’ve no idea where to go from here but I hope that I find a solution soon or this bunny will be running the other way at a very fast rate of knots.

The Holy Spirit Day

This is the day that is the highlight of the whole course. It is the day that makes all the difference and is considered the most important. From day one everyone has said this is the day of excitement and is just a personal special day so I have come into the day full of excitement, a little bit of nerves and an incredible amount of curiosity.

The day has taken the same format as most of the other evenings during the course apart from the fact there are four videos shown during the day (Intro + 3 more) and a distinct change in mood around the course (I’ll get to this later)

Anyway all seemed ‘normal’ for a while, first video and a bit of a chat and about 4 cups of tea after Nicky has explained the idea of “Who is the Holy Spirit?” Personally I felt the video was a bit long and got off the topic of who the Holy Spirit was and much more into the content of the two videos that were to be done later in the day. Nothing unusual seemed to be occurring at this point and in fact all was just exactly as normal. Anyway 20 minutes later we had another video to watch. At this point I have to be honest I am feeling video’d out. We’d have 90 minutes of video in a short space of time. That was just too much information for me to take in. I needed time to process the first one before moving onto the second one but that is just me.

Anyway we then moved onto lunch which was wonderful. There was the most amazing spread of food at lunchtime and it was just fantastic, jacket potatoes, quiche, tuna, garlic bread, an amazing salad, crisps, cake in a wonderful environment and I even went outside and said hello to the chickens. Afterwards we then all went for a walk and I had a chat with someone whilst we were going who was immensely encouraging but (and I don’t mean this in a bad way) wanted me to come to faith today. The belief of the people around me is something else to behold. It is truly amazing the level of faith they have. I can only stand and watch in awe at it. The problem for someone like me, it was really intimidating (yes I do get intimidated!) and that you could feel a massive sense of expectation from everyone around that today was going to be the day. The thing I realised during the videos was that there was so much information and no time to process is that there was no way it could be the day. All I could feel though as the afternoon drew on was more pressure to make a commitment to God because all these people wanted “the best” for me.

Anyway we then went back in and watched video number 3 which was how can I be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I have to say just ended up completely and utterly confused. The “How can I filled with the Holy spirit?” DVD was more about “What does the Holy Spirit do?” that about its own topic. This catapulted me over the edge and we sat around talking about it afterwards and from where I was that is what I really wanted to do was talk about these things but I felt like it was time to make a choice. Do I commit or not? I knew at that point it wasn’t the right time but felt this enormous amount of pressure to decide. It was to be honest the worst amount of pressure I have ever felt about anything in my life and I can ‘t make life changing decisions under that sort of pressure.  So we all prayed together and went our separate ways. Afterwards some of us had a cup of tea together.. yes another one :0 and had a chat about the day and just found it really intense and really difficult.

When I went home and got home that is when it really started to affect me. All of a sudden a lot of my view seemed to change about a lot of things. Is this course a bums on seats exercise? Is this to try to get more people to come to church or to allow more people to explore this and make up their own mind. It really threw me into complete turmoil. Anyway I decided on Saturday night I needed a break from the whole thing so didn’t really talk about it a great deal but was feeling pretty upset inside at the whole thing that had taken place. The Holy Spirit day really didn’t do anything to help me on my journey and in fact I think it has caused me an awful lot of problems which I am going to be trying to work through over the coming days and weeks. The impact of that feeling of pressure on me has been severe and has really rattled everything that has been done over the past few weeks. In fact I feel like I have taken so many steps backwards yesterday I don’t feel like I did before I started. A lot of the curiosity has been taken out of me. I even feel at times as if I could just turn my back on the whole thing and walk away. I just feel that dreadful about what happened. There was so much to do in too short a period of time with no real opportunity for reflection or anything else that it just got too intense. I know that people want to see us “succeed” which equals coming to God but I honestly thought that everything would be in its own time at its own pace and comfortable. I never imagined it would be like it was on Saturday. I can safely say that I have gone to bed on Saturday night with the deliberate thought of avoiding thinking about it.

This entry is not to blame anybody for what happened on Saturday, it is just me describing how I feel. I hope nobody feels offended because I don't mean them too, I just don't feel good about it right now.

One day to go

So the big question last night was… How does God guide us? The video was pretty much in line with my own personal logical expectation. The ideas was that this would be done primarily through the bible and the word that is written. Secondly it was done through prayer when listening for God is as important as speaking to him. The idea behind this is very sound but one I hadn’t really realised. I figured you would just talk to him but hadn’t really considered the answers coming back to me. The other part of this that this covered was the ways that God talks to us. These were talking about lots of different ways, such as feelings or thoughts that weren’t your own or coincidences. Now I am big on coincidences and I have had an awful lot of them during this course. However I think in my opinion they still are coincidences. I haven’t ruled it out as being more than that but I have found that it is all a little difficult to make a leap of faith or step of faith or whatever it is that it is called.

Sometimes thought I think that I can detect more around me than I can logically explain. I know there are things like intuition but I am not talking about that because I think that I can recognise that sort of thing. There have occasionally been thoughts that have come into my mind which I think for use of a better phrase aren’t my own. I suppose these are the ones that cause me most curiosity especially when they would be on topics that I wouldn’t think about, and secondly they don’t go away like other thoughts. You can’t seem to banish them to the back of your head. Anyway I digress.

After we did the course evening we talked about how god talks to us and whether we had experienced God guiding us in our lives. I have a terrific example of where I feel I am being what I can only describe of being poorly guided. For two years I have been involved in trying to find the right house to live in. Exploriations have taken place in various different towns and cities across the country from east Anglia to the west country. So far the net result has been the achievement of the sum total of.. absolutely nothing! This has been really depressing to be honest and at the end of it I am still exactly where I started. All I have been told so far is no to everything that I am trying to do. I am past being really fed up about it and all I have got is more and more confused.

If I add a bit of context to this we have looked at lots of properties, (I don’t know how many) have bid on 2 and have managed to get neither through to completion even though on both occasions it was the right thing to do. I wish rather than being told no on everything I would love to actually hear a yes for a change or get a good feeling about some of the things that I am trying to do. I am beginning to wonder if I am ever going to get an answer or do I just go and do something and not listen to some of these things.

I still feel quite distant right now from being able to make the leap into the next stage because it doesn’t feel like the right time. I still want it to be but I just don’t feel it is going to be. I have read sections of the bible and thought and contemplated but still feel no nearer. Maybe I should go back and just listen for a bit rather than talk and try and force things.

In spite of this I still really enjoy the things I have come across and the way that my life has moved. In fact I am really pleased with the overall direction my life has been taken. This could be argued as being God helping guide me in the correct direction for my life.

Just thinking about it now one of the other things that Nicky said last night was in relation to listening to God and that initially you might need to tune into the things that God is trying to say to you. I do wonder sometimes whether I am going to miss important things that I need to know or maybe I am going to misinterpret things and get them wrong. The one thing I clearly do understand is that it is OK to get things wrong or misunderstand or misinterpret as the mistakes you make are used to improve the person you are but also to assist other people and help them with their problems only if you make mistakes. In fact you have to make mistakes to be able to tell what is correct to do. I suppose that is one of the key things that I learnt this week.

Anyway I am going to sign off for now but before I go I just want to drop a brief note about the exciting weekend that is before me. This weekend is Holy Spirit weekend. This is supposed to be the most exciting part of the course. I think that I am going to be surpised and wondering about the things that are going to be happening over the weekend. I am quite excited but really not quite sure that I am going to find out what is going to happen. I guess I have just 18 hours to go and I’ll find out then. TTFN

Another Alpha week tomorrow

so another week at Alpha is here tomorrow evening. I have seen another week with bits and pieces that have been going round in my head. I am going to be picking up my bible in a couple of minutes to read the whole of John 14 and a couple of other bits and pieces as I have decided that if I can I want God to speak to me.

So week 6, "How does God guide us?" is next on the list of topics. So this is another interesting week. My guess as things stand at the moment is very much around through the bible and through answers to prayer. I have no idea and I haven't read ahead. I guess it could also be through the holy spirit but doesn't he come through answers to prayer.

I still am suprised that i haven't come to faith yet but I know that it will be in my own time. I really thought that some of the things I have seen would be enough to convince me but I am still sat back and looking.

I still have wonderful words of encouragement around me all the time from lots of people and I keep reading and looking at them all.

I feel though that i need to do more than I have done and need to poke this with a bigger stick, read more, understand more and push this whole thing because I can do more than I am doing. I think I am currently feeling a bit down overall because it hasn't gone as i thought it was going to and I am back into the searching bit all over again. The problem is I am back searching without the first clue what I am searching for!!!

Anyway the key thing is Holy Spirit weekend which I have been told is just the best part of the Alpha Course. I am not sure what is so good about it as I have no idea what it is going to be like. I hear that people talk about how great it was when they did it. Am I going to be disappointed, or is this the opposite, a massive breakthrough when I am not expecting it. The reality is I don't know. I suppose the starting point is I struggle with what the holy spirit is, or I did until someone explained it to me, I guess I really just don't know whether I am going to be captivated or unsure on the whole thing. Am I going to question or embrace what is in front of me?

And here I am back at questions again, similar to the way I started the course. Have I come full circle back round to where i am now or have i changed the questions I am asking a lot. I know I've changed. It's whether I can make the next change and I suppose at the moment, I have to wonder will I ever make the next step. My bunnies both did it, so why can't I? Hopefully it will all sort itself out, but I just have to be patient. Oh well. Lets see how God will guide us tomorrow and what that will bring. Maybe it will bring more answers, maybe more questions... I'll find out then..Until tomorrow night (or Friday if it is late!)

Teetering on the edge

So another weekend done and I didn’t attend the church yesterday due to being with the kids. It was funny because I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would. That was probably to be honest me being too busy with the children yesterday. We had a wonderful day and even though I wasn’t at church I was listening to the Christian music in the car, which is always good to listen to.  The reason I missed church yesterday was to make sure that I could go to the holy spirit day next Saturday.

Holy Spirit Day is the main event of the Alpha course and I have heard people saying nothing but amazing things about it. I am certainly more than a little curious about what it is going to be about. The thing is I don’t really know but I know that it will be good.

Where am I feeling right now?  At this particular moment I am not confident of where I am going to end up. I have really this week been wondering if I am going to ever be making the next step. I don’t know why, but I have lost all confidence in my own ability to make that step. If I get my rabbit analogy out I have dropped my paws off the outside of the cage and put them back inside having had a really good look around. I am now just poking my nose out.

Why that is the case I am not really sure. All I know is that I am beginning to doubt myself and some of the questions that were around at the start are coming back. Whether it is because of the feelings I have had after the last Alpha week as the statement about the bible being a “Well thumbed manual” rather than a relationship book with God is coming through. I don’t get feelings when I read the bible other than enormous amounts of interest in the rules and some of the events that occurred, but it is that, interest which makes me read it. It is not the drive to have a relationship with God. I figured a few weeks ago that I would be on the verge and would have given my life to God but it hasn’t happened. I am quite disappointed it hasn’t but clearly from what I am writing here I am not ready to do that at the moment.

However that doesn’t mean I want to run the other way and escape. What I am doing is definitely the right thing and that pushing this and keeping at it is going to help me. One day I will get to the answer about whether I will be prepared to give my life. The thing is  I am missing one key element of the whole thing and that element is fundamental. I don’t faith, the unquestioning belief in the events that are impossible to me as a person. That is the biggest problem. How do I get it? How do I find it? I suppose at the moment the question is can I find it? All I know is that for my journey I feel that I have taken steps backwards and sometimes it feels like they are quite big steps.

So now where do I go from here. I am not sure at the moment. I don’t really know how to reinvigorate the last few weeks. I do wonder at times if the chance passed me by and I missed it, or maybe I have an awful lot more work to do, or maybe it is as simple as I am just not ready. Whatever the opinion or belief I am not there.

I need to make a plan and I have one from here. I am going to do a few things to try and start the process moving again. Firstly I am going to pick up the bible and read a little bit of it every day and I am going to keep a record on here of what I read. Secondly I am going to “try” and pray at least a little bit to see what happens and the same will happen with that. Thirdly I am going to play my guitar as that is one of the things that I have really enjoyed during the time. It is something that has made me feel good and it seems to be the best way in my opinion that I can do something. I will see what happens while I do that. At the moment I have no idea the outcome but I can but try can’t I?

With the Alpha Course week 6 on Thursday which I think is “How does God guide us?” (I could be wrong with that) and then Holy Spirit day next Saturday that is going to be quite a lot over the next week. The other thing that I could do is listen to some more teaching and see if there are things within that I could pick up. I am frequently listening to Christian Music so that would be a logical extension.

Of course the other thing is that I could be doing things completely wrong. Maybe I am supposed to sit back and listen to what is going on around me rather than trying to make something happen. I just don’t know.

So before I sign off, what do I know this morning. Firstly I have changed since I started doing this, I am a very different person and most people seem to think it is for the better. I also get new found pleasure from helping people with whatever they need at the time. There are good things I can use my gifts for and I can contribute a lot to the people and the lives around me. I think there is a God up there looking down on what is going on in the kingdom below. I am more trusting of people than I used to be and I feel more to the people around me. Now all these are good things so maybe I should just stop and look at these because I don’t think any of them are bad. On that note though I am going to sign off for the morning.  TTFN!

Nice to be back in Alpha :)

So the week off has finally been completed and I have attended the next of the Alpha sessions. That now makes session 5 + the intro session. As per usual we watched the video and had the discussion afterwards. The video this time was about "Why and How should I read the bible?" which was interesting as one of the other things I don't do very well is read the bible, in fact i'm fairly poor at it because where do you start. Well everyone says in the new testament rather than the old testament because it is easier to read. I have to say I have found the law section in the Tora interesting because of the difference of some of the rules that are in there as opposed to what we do today.

You can look at these rules and try to understand why would God want his people to follow all these rules. As one of the leaders said they are all for their own protection as you have to put the whole thing into perspective. The year was over 2000 years ago, living standards and homes were different to what they are now and some of them probably are a lot more relevant than they are today.

But generally I haven't been very good at reading the bible as I probably don't really understand how to read it. I know there are lots of guides as to how to read the bible in a year by doing 15 minutes a day etc but I just haven't been motivated to get into it. I kind of just pick it up when I want to read a bit and then put it down for a few days.

From the video Nicky says that the bible can be a "well thumbed manual" but actually you can miss the point of the book. The reason you can miss the point is because the bible is one of the ways that you communicate with God. I was suprised to hear that you should pray before reading the bible. I have to say that idea had never occurred to me before as i imagined that you just pick it up and read it. If however this book is really how you communicate with God then it is more than just a book, just a collection of words written on pages.

He also refers to something relating to his expectation that God is going to speak to him every day. I just can't imagine him speaking every day. I guess I am still not really sure I have heard him, but then that could be me not listening rather than God not speaking.

I suppose the thing about reading the bible for me is that I don't have any feelings other than I am reading an interesting piece of text. This is probably not good and probably the thing that Nicky wants to get away from but it is a book, a historical account of something that happened. And me with my scientific brain reads it as a historical account of what happened. It is words on a page and isn't alive in my life. I don't understand how to change that or even if i am supposed to. I am just putting it down the way it is.

Then the other thing that is referred to in the video is to set aside regular time to read the bible, so I am supposed to find regular time to pray and regular time to read the bible. That seems to me like an awful lot of effort. Funnily enough praying makes more sense to me than regularly reading the bible as you are trying to talk to him, whereas reading the bible is learning about a subject.. and this isn't meant to offend anyone so sorry if you have been. That kind of makes me think that I haven't come as far down the journey as I thought which is quite sad and a shame.

The thing though I have achieved is that I have changed (or been changed depending how you look at it) as I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. Something has changed the way that I think and the way that I approach the world which has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am certainly keeping my young lady on her toes as she can't predict what I am going to do next (in a good way). So I should be pleased with that.

I was referring earlier in the blog to "coincidences" of the Holy Spirit Sermon and the Father Heart of God sermon and they were good but there may be another one that has been placed in front of me. In the group is a person who is a proper analytical scientist who has recently come to Christ and it was good to listen to their experience so far. I am wondering if they are going to come back to Alpha again as their experience is interesting as to how they got the "faith" idea functioning whilst being an impartial scientist. I have been asking for weeks for one to appear and now it has been given. Is that a coincidence or something else at work.

Anyway unfortunately I am not going to be at church tomorrow because of other commitments but I am still going to be looking and thinking. Anyway I might add some more later today. TTFN

Hooray the two week break is over

So today we are back at Alpha again having had our mid-term break. It seems an awful long time since we did, how and when should i pray? It is funny how that period has affected me as I feel I have been stagnant or possibly even moved a little backwards on my journey. I am certainly not feeling so confident of myself and what I have been looking at now. I can even feel myself at times beginning to question the whole thing all over again and some of the questions from early during the course are coming back.

Overall it has been a real struggle with being without stuff during my week in Coventry and the last week away again but just distant from it all. I guess I have had to look at it on my own and I find that when I am looking at it on my own sometimes it just doesn't seem to be the same.

So relief that we are restarting the course tonight! We are now into How and when should I read the bible? This to me is another fundamental issue that there is with the whole thing is the book is not the most readable in the world. You can't pick it up and just decide "I am going to read the bible". I imagine I am not the first person in the world to try to read it and fail. You find that you don't get a flow and it can be extremely bitty.

So the only thing I know about this is that reading it in very small sections and picking relevant bits to your life is the way to go. But how do you navigate round a book the size of the bible. Finding something in particular for me is completely impossible. Hey lets be honest if someone said to go and read Jeremiah chapter 1 verse 5, the first place i have to go is the contents page to find where Jeremiah is. I don't know the order of it and what comes where. It also appears you need to understand who the people were who wrote their bible and their backgrounds to fully understand the whole thing.

I have a study bible which I have to say does make the process a lot easier but I have sat there with the bible during the last week going what shall i read? I don't know. What is a good bit to read, what is interesting. The study bible even splits it into topics to read about and describes a little bit of detail around some of the key areas.

However i look at it though, If I said right now I was going to look at the bible for 10 minutes I wouldn't know where to start and that to me is the biggest problem. My guess about how Alpha is going to go tonight is that you should read the bible every day at a regular time, similar to prayer I guess, as it is God's word (that is a guess... I don't really know) but them read what...

Then I have spoken to other people who say it is a good idea to memorise God's word.. and I am thinking memorise the bible. I can't see the benefit of that to be honest. If I have got one I can always look things up .... and ok I didn't have one in Coventry but I have resolved that on a permanent basis.

Anyway it will be good to challenge these things again and start journeying all over again because it really has felt distant especially in the last week. I know it has been difficult as i have not been talking about it as much at home which is a shame. I guess I really feel a lot of the momentum has come out of my journey at the moment. Maybe I can pick it back up again tonight. There is only one way to find out and that is to go, which hopefully will be exciting.

Until tonight....

Another Sunday another thought

It's another Sunday gone and another day of interest for me on my journey. Its been truly fascinating. I have been to church yesterday which was really good. It started with a good worship which was really uplifting. I was approached by two people to assist with various things that people needed me for. It was wonderful to be able to use my skills and talents to be able to help people.

The first thing that came to me was the pasteur who wanted some photos for the website and I was more than happy to help. In fact i wanted to help in anyway I could. I know that I am still yet to commit to God and Jesus but it doesn't stop me being desperate to help out and be the best me I can be. I guess that is being "Youier". I am being much more the person that I wanted to be and probably the person that I should always be.

I wish I could do more to support the church and be able to do more than I do. I feel that it is something that is important to me, (I know I am still in the cage with the paws on the side but that is another issue). I have spoken about potentially doing something relating to Alpha at the end of the Alpha Course that i am doing, maybe do a piece which can be used to promote it as a wonderful opportunity to ask the difficult questions.

The other thing I managed to do was to give a little back to some friends who have been so caring and wonderful to me. What I did was only a little by assisting them fixing their computers which were misbehaving, but I ended up taking too much of their time as it took a little longer than expected.. .Sorry! Part of me was wondering though, was I put there to help them to be there and take the opportunity. Is it coincidence or more. There are an awful lot of them. How do I get to coming out of the cage? Where do I find the courage? Am I always going to stay in my cage, too scared to come out and see the world out there? I thought that by now I would have come out but I just can't and it is a cause of endless frustration, but I am being held back and the only thing that is holding me back is me.

But I have had a few moments in church in the past few weeks which have been interesting. Two weeks ago we had a sermon on the holy spirit, which happened after I had asked several people what the holy spirit was because I still struggle to understand what it is.

The second one was yesterday. There I was sat next to a friend and I asked him "What is the Father Heart of God?" It is a phrase I have heard a number of times in the church and have never understood. Anyway after I asked him and he tried his best to describe it to me, worship finished. Then the Sermon started about "What is the Father Heart of God?" It was amazing that straight after I asked the question it was answered. Is this another one of these coincidences or is it something more.

I have got my bible with me tonight and I am going to randomly read a few verses tonight, and see if it brings any inspiration. I am feeling in the need of it right now because I am still stubbornly sticking to not committing to life with Jesus. Sorry cos I am letting him down and a lot of people who want to see me do it...

Been a long week

So another week has finished and I am relaxing on Saturday night looking at more amazing things that people have written to me or as comments on the blog. Where am I tonight. Well still in the "cage" as it has become known but more and more curious all the time about the rest of the world that is out there.
I know that this is a long journey and that sometimes it seems to go like a train and other times it seems to sit and wait. Anyway this week has been a bit of a sit and watch week with me having little access to the internet or anything else but it was good. I have been missing things like Alpha and contact with people I know.

But then that leads me onto the things that have changed about me during the last few weeks. I am being told that I am changing all the time and quite quickly. I know there are certain things that have changed which I have alluded to during some of the earlier entries. The one that I found this week was a change in the way I relate to people. I have never been a person that is a social person but I am finding that I am becoming not a people person but someone who enjoys being around people.

Anyway I had potentiallly another encounter which I can't explain today. I went out to lunch today with my family and on the walk back, I was realising we needed some carpet for the rabbit. Anyway we were walking back from town and suddenly it started to rain and hail and enormous amounts of it. Anyway we went into one of the nearest shops, which happened to be a carpet superstore. We went looking for an offcut just because of where we were but the store don't do any. So I told the guy working there about the rabbits and he went and got us two samples both about 80cm by 50cm which were big enough for all we wanted which was brilliant and he just gave them to us :). Things are working in very strange ways. Is this another thing being put in front of me. What is it? It is all so strange.

So I am looking forward to tomorrow morning to see what that brings. I am always interested and curious and that is not going to be changing. I wonder what is happening next. I know that i am just looking around more and more and more but for now I am just going to watch and keep asking questions. But the exciting thing is what is the next question going to be....

Me and my rabbit analogy

You know sometimes when you start something and you didn't quite realise where it was going to go. I have done that. I really have. I never expected anything to turn out like it has but there you go and my rabbit analogy has been going for the best part of two weeks now. It was just at the time how I was feeling but its significance is far from lost on me.

I am currently sat in a restaurant in a holiday Inn feeling a little better about the world than I did earlier in the week, mainly because I have managed to find a bible. I have managed to download one from amazon, which is kind of handy because I have had multiple bible verses quoted at me during the past few days and without one it has been difficult to find them. But I can now start lookin at some of the things that i have wanted to anyway. So what have I done so far today. My initial thoughts this evening was to pick up my guitar and play some worship songs, but I only know a couple cos i'm not very good, but I enjoy it. My favourite song is "Yesterday, Today and Forever" . I don't know why but I have loved that song since I first ever heard it. I think I probably spent the best part of 30 minutes playing it tonight which is quite a long time, well my fingers on my left hand certainly know about it and come to think of it so does the person in the next room.

I have actually got an internet connection tonight because i am sat by a window in the corner of the restaurant probably looking rather sad and lonely but I think in reality I am far from it. I have got a bible back on my computer and I have managed to play some songs and I am going to be going home tomorrow so all is looking quite good.

I also just want to say my sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed to my journey during the past week. I have tried my hardest to stay in touch through my blog which has been tough but I have had some wonderful words of encouragement. I have looked through all of them, some of which have come by email and some of which have been comments on the blog. I have had someone type out a passage which is a page of A4 because i haven't got a bible, and two wonderful sets of words of encouragement added onto my blog. I am humbled by the time you have taken to contact me and that you find the time in your life and the interest in what i have got. I look at the people around me and I am constantly astounded by what they do and what they have given to me, so thank you and I mean that. From my point of view I would love to put down what I have gained from those passages.

First the passage that was typed for me a few days ago which was from Joshua chapter 3. I can see the ideas that are in it and the trust and faith that you have to do to put your life in God's hands. God loves us and wants the best for us as his people and that we have to make the step into his world as it has to be our choice. It is a scary choice most definitely but one that every day looks more and more tempting. It is a lovely passage and I get the feeling too it is time for me to put my feet on the water and see if the water passes or I get very wet

Chris, great to hear from you and I have to say you sum it up so simply and so easily within the entry. Keep looking forward. I have to say Chris I am looking forward all the time with my eyes wide open, probably because i am terrified of what is in front of me, yet at the same time I can't take my eyes of it. I want to keep looking at it. I feel that if I look behind me and turn back it will be gone and I definitely don't want that to happen.

Tracy, you made me laugh, by putting it in rabbit terms, maybe I'm not the only person who thinks in crazy mad metaphors. The passage is the one about opening the door and letting him into your life and that I have to invite him in. The passage is Revelations 3 chapter 20 which in the version i have on this computer says "Listen! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and he with Me." As is usual for me I am sat with the irony... Here I am in a restaurant at a table for two and having dinner while i write this. Oh humour.. Anyway so where am I with my rabbit analogy.. I think I might have opened the door to my rabbit cage and am leaning out into the world. I have done that succesfully. I just forgot to exit my cage. You'll hear the THUMP! eventually because I think I will probably end up overbalancing, lean out too far and going splat in an undignified heap. In terms of the Revelations passage I have opened the door and stood in Jesus way. Well why would he want to come in anyway my house is always a mess.

I am also thinking about all the people I know at House Group tonight, wishing I was with them and not being where I am in the hotel. I really hope they all have a spiritual filled evening which they receive blessings from God. I have prayed for you all to have a wonderful evening and that you experience and encounter him during your house group. Anyway I am off to find some more music that I can play, so goodnight to everyone that knows me and cares and thank you for being such wonderful people. And before I go.. thank you Linda for being so wonderful, caring and putting up with me whilst I am going through this journey.

Its funny what 'coincidences' happen

So another day gone and I have been sat in bed this morning thinking about things yet again. Currently there is 8 days to go to the next Alpha Course evening, 2 and a half days till I get home and 4 days till church on Sunday. I am in a hotel in Coventry with my main phone which has internet access not working and my laptop which cannot get internet access either due to the 3G not working within the hotel boundaries and of course no-one has my number so I wouldn’t be getting any messages from anyone right now.

On top of this I am in the only hotel in the world it appears that does not leave bibles in the room which I enjoy reading and I left mine at home in the rush on Sunday. Overall I am thinking this is not particularly funny as I don’t want to be going this long time period without being able to look at things to do with Jesus and learn more.

Therefore I was sat thinking how can I keep this going and I kind of realised I have two options, well three. The first one is do nothing and wait, but as I said I really don’t fancy that. The second is I have a guitar which I am learning to play and can play a couple of worship songs, so I have played those and sung those (very badly… my voice is appalling, why is it a pre-requisite that if you play a guitar you are able to sing. Everyone else can do it ;)

The third is I can try and talk to God directly, oh wait that is prayer and I don’t do prayer. So just to understand the sense of humour that is going on here. I don’t do prayer but I have been put in a situation which is bizarre to say the least where I am pretty much being “forced” to pray if I want to continue my journey from here. The irony is not lost on me at all.

So this morning I have prayed and I have kept it simple. Another shopping list, I am quite good at those, but I think we all are really. It was a simple shopping list of one again, I just wanted to still feel involved and talked to during this time that I am separate from everything else that is going on around me. This is an opportunity for reflection, of course it is and reflection is good but I have enjoyed things so much along the way so far that I just don’t want them to stop.

So I asked for the stuff, yes I know Adoration and Confession first… but I am still poking an prodding, there is plenty of time for that later. I know that it is being selfish but if I did the Adoration and stuff I would be lying and it wouldn’t be coming from inside me, it would be to conform and me conforming hmmmm, that doesn’t happen too often. J

I think the strangest thing was I was getting something back and it is the same thing that I have been getting back for a few days, just with more detail on. It is the belief that I have to do something,  not now, but I feel I am being given messages on things I need to share with people and also the way I should be doing it. I am not going to go into detail here because I know that some people who would be receiving this potentially may be reading this but I will at a later date I promise. All I will say is it is asking me to do things that I know I would never do.

I can only describe it as being equipped. I am a poor writer and author, yet people I know and some that I don’t are fascinated by this journey which is scary yet humbling. I thought this was outside what I was used to, the messages I have been getting are on a whole different scale outside my comfort zone, which is just crazy.

Oh my word look at the time, I gotta go and have breakfast before I go and start another day of training, day 3 and another great group of people. There might be some more later as this is the other tool I have been left with to communicate. TTFN (Ta Ta For Now)    

What a couple of days.....

So here I am in a hotel in Coventry at 6:40 in the morning adding to the blog. I am doing so because there have been some things troubling me in the last couple of days or so.

Firstly Sunday there was an interesting service at the church. We were given a sermon about the holy spirit which was extremely interesting. I have real trouble understanding the relationship between God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It was explained in a way that was new for me but it still didn’t make complete sense. I guess the bit I wanted to know is if there are the three of them who does what. How do you know if the Holy Spirit has been and the other question which is important to me. What if the Holy Spirit comes into my life and I am not paying attention and I miss it or I don’t understand what the holy spirit is doing. I don’t want to miss out. Anyway we were given the opportunity to see the Holy Spirit in action on Sunday night and unfortunately due to the fact that I have gone away for the entire week I did not take up the offer. In a way I’d love to have seen the holy spirit working and I have seen it a couple of times I think but there is no rush. Everything will happen within its own time and I just have to be patient.

The second thing that bothered me was on Sunday night. I have over the past 20 years heard about all sorts of things that have happened in the world, such as famines, Tsunamis and many other events where people have been killed in large numbers and they have never bothered me before. I have always turned the tele over and switched over to something else or avoided it. Anyway on the drive up to Coventry I was listening to the Steven Nolan show on Radio 5 Live at just after 10pm where they were talking to a doctor in a hospital in Libya where the latest set of uprisings are going on. He was talking about the things he was seeing and had seen 25 dead people that day. This became 26 when another person came in and he said “The head is apart from the body” meaning completely separate. The whole thing completely touched me and the whole event with Libya was now in my life. I can’t explain why or how, but it is. Anyway I felt this overwhelming sorrow for the people of Libya. I know no-one out there, have never been there and have no natural affinity with the country.

I also knew that Libya was different to Tunisia and Egypt who had been through this process in the previous few days, Again I can’t say why but I started to pray there and then whilst driving up to Coventry. I didn’t plan on it. I just did it. I remember what I prayed for this morning as it is still with me. I prayed for peace to come to Libya and for the people living there to survive and for the leaders and the military to stop killing their own people. I said to God I will pledge my life to you if you stop the killing. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I have told God if he stops the fighting in Libya I will pledge my life. But what about all my questions is what I have been thinking since. I was given some more wisdom on Sunday which was about my questions. During the service I was given a message from someone which said, keep fighting and keep asking questions. When you stop fighting for you keep fighting because someone else will need you to fight for them.

One thing that has been dramatic during the whole of the Alpha course and my journey is the number of words of wisdom that I have received from people. It is amazing the number of things that people have said to me that have left me with wisdom. On Sunday someone again took time to explain to me the Holy Spirit and I thought, why am I so special that you would take time to explain these things to me. What I do isn’t that clever or that important. I am not that impressive but people continue to take time to help me.

Currently as far as I am aware there may be a transition in Libya going on right now. I don’t really know as I don’t have a reliable internet connection. In fact I am writing this in Word because I am not convinced I can get it to the blog at the moment, but I need to make a record of it for my benefit.

But 2 paragraphs up I still cannot believe three things. One that I was touched by the situation in Libya the way I was, two that I prayed there and then and three that I said I would give my life to God if he sorted out Libya. I just don’t believe I did it. However I do know that it is the right thing to do. However God, sorry no adoration or confession in this prayer. Just a shopping list… of one thing but it isn’t for me so hope you’ll let me off. I prayed for what was in my heart and I just hope that was good enough. I guess that I will find out in the coming days and weeks.

Anyway I also wanted to write about Sunday because Sunday was fascinating about the Holy Spirit. It is the first chance I have had to really get to understand the Holy Spirit and to start to get an idea of what it is and how it works. The speaker at the sermon on Sunday gave a good account of what the holy spirit is doing within peoples lives and how it is doing it. Also what it is but not how you know it is there. I do have this huge fear that if the Holy Spirit does come into my life I will be looking the other way and I won’t spot the work that it is doing.

We also had a time of prayer if people wanted to be filled with the holy spirit and this made me laugh, not in a bad way. Firstly I was drawn to it like I was last week and wanted to go for prayer, but I look at it and go, if I go up what happens next. Am I supposed to come up with something for them to pray for me, because I know that I can’t because I’ve no idea half the time. This is one of the biggest things that stop me. Oddly I want to be prayed for and I haven’t been for a while that I know about and the people who were there any of them could have done it and I know so many of them well but I was too scared and nervous to do it. It is daft I know. I really felt I should have done it but I didn’t.

Then came the “pushing”. Two people looked at me from across the room and I just felt it was like I was being encouraged to go down to the front and be prayed for. Now I don’t think either of them were trying to pressure me, in fact would it sound strange if I thought they weren’t doing it themselves. I feel it was God putting the people I trust in a place to call me and tell me it was safe to go and do it. Still I did not move, I was still frozen to the spot. Anyway suddenly I feel these hands on my shoulders, and although I was a little surprised I wasn’t scared or worried or nervous. I was thinking come to me and pray for me. Don’t make me come to the front please. I turned round to see another person I trust behind me and he is giving me the message about keeping fighting. I remember him being there really clearly. He is an inspirational person, who has only recently given his life to God but he is a wonderful person. Anyway I remember during the conversation I am thinking, please offer to pray for me and it doesn’t happen. So why don’t I open my big mouth. I usually have plenty to say but apparently not on Sunday. I am so frustrated with myself again. I am not taking the opportunities that are in front of me. This is the second week in a row I have refused good opportunities. Oh yes and at the same time one of my favourite Christian Music songs was being sung. “Our God is Greater”

Just to frustrate me further I turned down a third opportunity in the same day. We had friends come back to the flat later in the afternoon for a cup of coffee which they did including one of the people who had looked over in church

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I think I might have worked it out. God is wanting me to step out and say I am here and I have given my life to him because then I will be able to access all the joys of his kingdom. But I still haven’t done it. I have done it conditionally and I don’t know the outcome of that and will keep an eye on it during the weeks and months. I don’t know why I did it conditionally. It was just what was in my heart at the time. I really want to make the jump, come out of my cage that is surrounding my life and see the light but I just have this monumental amount of fear which in my life is ruling everything I do. I have never been scared of anything like this before. I wander sometimes if I am on my own with this. I would imagine I probably am not but you see if you don’t come across people in the same place then you don’t know do you.

One more thing I wanted to write about was something I have done which I am really sad about. I left my bible at home at the weekend and I am missing it like crazy. I want to pick it up and read it and look at the scripture and see what it says and learn more about God and Jesus and especially look up and learn more about the holy spirit. I am in a hotel in Coventry and there is no bible in my room. It is rubbish. I am going to tear the room apart later to see if I can find one but I do not hold out much hope. I feel I need to find one. So here I am in Coventry cut off from the Internet, cut off from the bible. All I have here is my guitar and my phone. Maybe I am just meant to be having time to think and ponder.

Wow this has certainly gone on. I can’t believe the length of this blog entry. I am looking at this going, I was only going to make a quick entry but I have got so much to say and there is so much more I could say. I am going to write some more tonight because I feel there is so much. It might not make sense but I am trying and fighting my way on this journey and I won’t stop fighting. The thing that makes sense though is that once I stop fighting it is all going to hurt a lot less and the conflict that it causes will be gone. For today I am in the rabbit cage with my paws on the bars trying my hardest to touch the floor with my nose without falling out. I think I’m going to fall out soon. I just hope that he is going to be there to catch me when I fall.