Well after the last few days which can only be described as unusual I have had a couple of days to take stock of where I am and where my journey is going next. There was an awful lot of me after Thursday thinking that maybe now is the time for me and it felt right but I didn't concede defeat (in a nice way). In spite of all that I have seen in the last week I am still not there yet. Put my logical brain on there aren't too many options for what could possibly be going on at the moment. There is either a mass of co-incidences OR there is a greater power out there than I can possibly perceive. I don't think the co-incidence thing is likely which last time I checked leaves me with one answer. I think that answer is frightening, scary, terrifying and in spite of everything still unbelievable. What did Sherlock Holmes say "when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"
It may be the case that it must be the truth, but my brain is not able to accept that or process it. It is too big to start comprehending. If this is what is going on then there is going to be an awful lot of acceptance from me to allow this to be in my life. Why do I feel scared? Well there are a few reasons. Lets start with the obvious. How big is what I am talking about? It doesn't get any bigger than this and it is not something you can do lightly. The size and enormity of it is just beyond comprehension. The second big reason is all to do with the meaning of what it would be that I would be doing. I would be giving my life over to Jesus and he will be taking my sin. Hope he has a big bag to carry it in! This would fundamentally rearrange my life. I feel like I am stood behind a line and if I take a step then I can go across. I have thought about doing it several times but I don't feel able to make that move. It is like I am paralysed to the spot at the moment. I am not sure how to cross the line or what to do without feeling completely freaked out.
I have sat and read this blog since I wrote it and look at the differences in the way that the inforamtion has been perceived since I started it. When I began I needed to know how everything was done, where it was done and was it real. Now I don't ask any of those questions. It is almost like I have accepted the fact these things were doable and have been done. I just have this last bit of fear to overcome if I am going to step forward. If I don't step forward I could see myself stepping back and running the other way.
As from the previous post there was the story of the rabbit which is in its cage flopped out behind me at the moment. I have left the door open for the rabbit to come out of its cage and into our home, but it is too scared and fearful at the moment. it has put its paws on the cage door and stuck its head out but it has always put its head back into the cage where it feels safe. It has leant most of its body out but left its back legs on the ground so it feels safe and secure. I guess that is where I am. I have poked my head out and leant out as far as I can without falling out of my cage. At some point I imagine the rabbit will jump through the door and come out into the big wide world but it has to be done in his time. This is the same as me waiting to jump out of my cage.
Sunday was interesting in the service, this week we had a family service which was really good. We had natural events such as pram racing for the children and I nearly got run over by a pram which was dead funny :P. We were talking about looking forward rather than behind us so that we could see the things that were important. There were a couple of strange events that took place during the service. The first was one of the songs that came on, I knew was going to be played even though I knew nothing about the order of worship. I knew this from the start. The song was "What a friend i've found". Honestly this is not one of my favourite songs, in fact it is one of my least favourite songs but it is one that has meaning as when someone was talking about it a few weeks ago it was sat open in the book in front of me when someone couldn't remember the song. It was a bit strange for it to come on in the service. Anyway that is the first event, the second was as always we were offered the chance to have prayer if we wanted to at the end, and I was drawn to go to our minister and ask him to pray for me but wasn't sure what for. I managed to chicken out of that as I thought I can't do that. I almost did and that was quite scary and I know I probably should have done it but fear won through.
I also feel that people are seeing a change within me. I still don't know why the change is happening but I know people are leaving me to make this journey in my own time. They are telling me to keep fighting and battling away but I do feel like I am being chipped away at and I feel I have caught him chipping a couple of times. It doesn't seem to stop it happening. I am wondering if there is much else to change any more. I bet there is and it will happen over time. I just know I am not going to make anything happen and just go with the flow.
Anyway onto the next week. This is week 5 and then we have a 1 week break for half term but I will still be writing in that time because i don't think my journey is going to go on hold whilst that is happening. So what is the topic? "Why and how do I pray?" I suppose if I am honest it has been when I need something and very rarely. How many of us can make that same confession? I know I am not the only person that does that and I also know there are people who attend churches that also do the same thing. I don't feel bad about that at the moment but not sure what I will think after Thursday. I guess I need to understand more about prayer and I have learnt bits and pieces from the house group I have attended and from going to the church on Sunday. I've no idea what this week is going to bring but I am going to be continuing to have an open mind and will be adding to this possibly Weds night, but am away for the next two nights until Alpha. I am interested and excited again about what the week is going to bring and I think I might take one of the books from here to read whilst I am away and see what that provokes. I have a hunger for this that I don't want to let go of and want to find out as much as I can.
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