So here I am the day after the biggest challenge I have had in a very long time. I am never going to fit this in one entry so there are likely to be 2 or 3 by tomorrow evening. (just a warning) I anticipated an interesting but extremely challenging evening about faith. I don't have faith, I don't understand faith and that was the starting point for the evening along with a lot of very unanswered questions. What happened next startled me more than anything else.
Initially I had a couple of conversations with people about the creation and the idea of it being literally 7 days start to finish... so 168 hours , 10080 minutes, 604800 seconds.. Think they are right. The conversations lead me down the idea that taking this completely literally may not be the best way to go. Having seen DVD's and stuff during the week which appeared to be not completely accurate in my opinion it was interesting to discuss these ideas with experienced Christians (there is an interesting phrase).
This led to the session starting late (sorry!) but already I was feeling a little bit better than I had been in the previous few weeks. So desert (yummy!) and a DVD about faith. As I start watching this I know already how I am going to approach it, "I don't have any", "I don't get it at all" .... and so on and I was feeling sorry for the people who were going to discuss it with me. Anyway we went through the idea of the book of god being the evidence and the resurrection being the event and it all seemed ok, sensible and nothing too difficult for me to grasp. Then Nicky mentions the two words that I have not been looking forward to hearing "Holy Spirit". The holy spirit is an alien concept to me and I had never got even a conceptual idea about this. Anyway Nicky starts running a list of ways the holy spirit can touch our lives... Great a list... I can do lists. I'm sure that I can comfortably disprove this entire list that is about to come out. The first one was "a new love for God" .. no issue there , don't have one of those so one to me :). Second "a desire to read the bible".. Well I have been asking questions and the further into this course I have gone I have to say the more that I do find out the more I want to know. so I'll accept that one... but the holy spirit doing it... nah!
Onto the third one "sense of forgiveness" ... this took me some thought, but I don't have any bitterness to anyone for anything they have done to me. This is something that has developed over the past 6 months maybe since before Alpha so maybe there is something there too.
Number 4 "new concern for others" My world has changed on the way I approach people with my job and my personal life, I have definitely changed on this one.... I am much more relaxed and giving and it showed on Wednesday when I was babysitting for a friend. There was a time that I would have been looking to get something for myself, financial or otherwise, but I would have had some motive. I didn't want to get anything from it and it just was not about me. The best thing was I had the most amazing feeling giving.
Number 5 "Enjoyment of worshipping God" This looks easy to say no till as last Sunday I left the service early because I found the whole thing too difficult to cope with so job done... but if only it was that easy. I have been working at home all week and have been listening to United Christian Broadcasting, World of Worship Albums or watching Videos off You-Tube, and I have enjoyed immensely having that in the background as my company all week.
Number 6 "Desire to meet other christians" Desire.. its just crazy, I can't wait to see them all on Sunday and I am already excited to be going to lunch with a couple who are just wonderful.
So lets add that up 5 i could agree with and 1 that I disagreed with. The next thought was, hang on, I didn't ask any of this stuff to change. I have spent the last 4 weeks fighting and fighting this whole thing and getting a bigger and bigger stick and hitting it harder and harder. Could something have happened? Have whilst I been working on my questions which I haven't had answers to something been working on me in the background? Have I been changing?
Sorry I'm off for now to finish off some work, but will be back later this evening for the next bit...
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