So two days after the holy spirit day has happened where am I now? Well as the initial entry says it really didn’t go well for me. Anyway I have persevered on with my journey over the weekend and I did go to church on the Sunday afterwards. I was really worried about going to church on Sunday morning because I didn’t want to tell people that are friends that it didn’t go well for me. In fact I think that the way it went will upset people when they find out and that is the last thing that I want to do.
I went to church anyway and sure enough I got asked about how the session went and I was honest and went not good and explained some of the things that had really caused me problems during the day. Anyway we started on the worship and I just honestly was not interested at all in what was going on around me. I have never felt like that during the service, I have been known to drift in and out at times based on what is going on etc but never been completely out of it as it were. I remember well that I was watching the guitar playing which was as good as it always was during the worship but I also know that I wasn’t joining in at all. I just didn’t want to, which for me was very sad. I feel like the connection or potential connection I was having was broken down during the Holy Spirit day and I am not sure where to go next. I wish I knew but I also was disconnected from the sermon, which actually was something that had been done at the house group a few months before so it wasn’t anything new. Of all the days for me to be disconnected was something I had done recently. A coincidence maybe.
I just didn’t feel any connection at all and was nervous and edgy the entire time. I guess things did change on Saturday but they didn’t change in any way that was positive for me. What happened really has not done me any good. Anyway I got away from church much quicker than I have ever done before but with a lunch or coffee invite which will be good. I just felt completely claustrophobic and just surplus to requirements, a fake, a fraud whatever words you wish to use.
Anyway I went back home in the afternoon and cleaned out the rabbits and sorted them out and they started to fight too L which means that bonding isn’t going as well as hoped either. The whole world is having a bit of a moment and it isn’t funny right now.
When we got home, my partner wanted to listen to a sermon from the week that we missed to be with the children, and I said it was fine however I wondered into another part of the flat to avoid it. I didn't tell her about it at the time, only later so she had no idea what I had done! She now wants to murder me for not saying something at the time.. Oops better grovel.... Normally I am dead curious but at the moment it just not there. It is all gone quiet and sadly so too. I decided I wasn’t going to touch the bible, pray or do anything with it for a few days, so this is going to be the last entry certainly until later this week.
The thing I have decided though is that I am going to complete the course as I started it as I will find out all there is to find out and will decide what to do at the end. As I said things aren’t good right now and I feel as far from God as is possible. That is without taking into account the battering that Japan has been taking from the Tsunami and Earthquake. It’s all not fair right now. We should all be out there digging people out with our hands if we have to. Its just not right and it all stinks.
But I feel well out of it today and quite stubborn and closed off. I’ve no idea where to go from here but I hope that I find a solution soon or this bunny will be running the other way at a very fast rate of knots.
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