Teetering on the edge

So another weekend done and I didn’t attend the church yesterday due to being with the kids. It was funny because I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would. That was probably to be honest me being too busy with the children yesterday. We had a wonderful day and even though I wasn’t at church I was listening to the Christian music in the car, which is always good to listen to.  The reason I missed church yesterday was to make sure that I could go to the holy spirit day next Saturday.

Holy Spirit Day is the main event of the Alpha course and I have heard people saying nothing but amazing things about it. I am certainly more than a little curious about what it is going to be about. The thing is I don’t really know but I know that it will be good.

Where am I feeling right now?  At this particular moment I am not confident of where I am going to end up. I have really this week been wondering if I am going to ever be making the next step. I don’t know why, but I have lost all confidence in my own ability to make that step. If I get my rabbit analogy out I have dropped my paws off the outside of the cage and put them back inside having had a really good look around. I am now just poking my nose out.

Why that is the case I am not really sure. All I know is that I am beginning to doubt myself and some of the questions that were around at the start are coming back. Whether it is because of the feelings I have had after the last Alpha week as the statement about the bible being a “Well thumbed manual” rather than a relationship book with God is coming through. I don’t get feelings when I read the bible other than enormous amounts of interest in the rules and some of the events that occurred, but it is that, interest which makes me read it. It is not the drive to have a relationship with God. I figured a few weeks ago that I would be on the verge and would have given my life to God but it hasn’t happened. I am quite disappointed it hasn’t but clearly from what I am writing here I am not ready to do that at the moment.

However that doesn’t mean I want to run the other way and escape. What I am doing is definitely the right thing and that pushing this and keeping at it is going to help me. One day I will get to the answer about whether I will be prepared to give my life. The thing is  I am missing one key element of the whole thing and that element is fundamental. I don’t faith, the unquestioning belief in the events that are impossible to me as a person. That is the biggest problem. How do I get it? How do I find it? I suppose at the moment the question is can I find it? All I know is that for my journey I feel that I have taken steps backwards and sometimes it feels like they are quite big steps.

So now where do I go from here. I am not sure at the moment. I don’t really know how to reinvigorate the last few weeks. I do wonder at times if the chance passed me by and I missed it, or maybe I have an awful lot more work to do, or maybe it is as simple as I am just not ready. Whatever the opinion or belief I am not there.

I need to make a plan and I have one from here. I am going to do a few things to try and start the process moving again. Firstly I am going to pick up the bible and read a little bit of it every day and I am going to keep a record on here of what I read. Secondly I am going to “try” and pray at least a little bit to see what happens and the same will happen with that. Thirdly I am going to play my guitar as that is one of the things that I have really enjoyed during the time. It is something that has made me feel good and it seems to be the best way in my opinion that I can do something. I will see what happens while I do that. At the moment I have no idea the outcome but I can but try can’t I?

With the Alpha Course week 6 on Thursday which I think is “How does God guide us?” (I could be wrong with that) and then Holy Spirit day next Saturday that is going to be quite a lot over the next week. The other thing that I could do is listen to some more teaching and see if there are things within that I could pick up. I am frequently listening to Christian Music so that would be a logical extension.

Of course the other thing is that I could be doing things completely wrong. Maybe I am supposed to sit back and listen to what is going on around me rather than trying to make something happen. I just don’t know.

So before I sign off, what do I know this morning. Firstly I have changed since I started doing this, I am a very different person and most people seem to think it is for the better. I also get new found pleasure from helping people with whatever they need at the time. There are good things I can use my gifts for and I can contribute a lot to the people and the lives around me. I think there is a God up there looking down on what is going on in the kingdom below. I am more trusting of people than I used to be and I feel more to the people around me. Now all these are good things so maybe I should just stop and look at these because I don’t think any of them are bad. On that note though I am going to sign off for the morning.  TTFN!