Another Alpha week tomorrow

so another week at Alpha is here tomorrow evening. I have seen another week with bits and pieces that have been going round in my head. I am going to be picking up my bible in a couple of minutes to read the whole of John 14 and a couple of other bits and pieces as I have decided that if I can I want God to speak to me.

So week 6, "How does God guide us?" is next on the list of topics. So this is another interesting week. My guess as things stand at the moment is very much around through the bible and through answers to prayer. I have no idea and I haven't read ahead. I guess it could also be through the holy spirit but doesn't he come through answers to prayer.

I still am suprised that i haven't come to faith yet but I know that it will be in my own time. I really thought that some of the things I have seen would be enough to convince me but I am still sat back and looking.

I still have wonderful words of encouragement around me all the time from lots of people and I keep reading and looking at them all.

I feel though that i need to do more than I have done and need to poke this with a bigger stick, read more, understand more and push this whole thing because I can do more than I am doing. I think I am currently feeling a bit down overall because it hasn't gone as i thought it was going to and I am back into the searching bit all over again. The problem is I am back searching without the first clue what I am searching for!!!

Anyway the key thing is Holy Spirit weekend which I have been told is just the best part of the Alpha Course. I am not sure what is so good about it as I have no idea what it is going to be like. I hear that people talk about how great it was when they did it. Am I going to be disappointed, or is this the opposite, a massive breakthrough when I am not expecting it. The reality is I don't know. I suppose the starting point is I struggle with what the holy spirit is, or I did until someone explained it to me, I guess I really just don't know whether I am going to be captivated or unsure on the whole thing. Am I going to question or embrace what is in front of me?

And here I am back at questions again, similar to the way I started the course. Have I come full circle back round to where i am now or have i changed the questions I am asking a lot. I know I've changed. It's whether I can make the next change and I suppose at the moment, I have to wonder will I ever make the next step. My bunnies both did it, so why can't I? Hopefully it will all sort itself out, but I just have to be patient. Oh well. Lets see how God will guide us tomorrow and what that will bring. Maybe it will bring more answers, maybe more questions... I'll find out then..Until tomorrow night (or Friday if it is late!)

Week 4 - Faith Part 2

So now having finished work for the evening I will add the second entry of the day to the blog. I left part one where I had 5 things that had happened for me and then one that hadn't so that was interesting.. I then thought about what I have been doing with my own time out of choice, and what am I doing? questionning more about God and asking questions, at times it is what has dominated my life. Look back at number 5 on the previous blog and I am constantly listening to Christian Music, the word from God etc so "a new love for God" could be one which I haven't recognised yet, so potentially there are 6 out of 6. Wow!

So lets be rational about this and then ask other people what they believe about me, one of the closest people I have spoken to at church said I had changed and it was noticable the way I had changed. I asked my lady and she said I'd changed to and that she had noticed these changes in me as well especially the one about caring for other people. Now this is all pretty significant but what it doesn't do is say it is definitely the Holy Spirit in action... but I also can't say it isn't. This is big stuff, fundamental and life changing ultimately possibly.

So how many of my other questions have been answered.. ummm none... I look back at some of the things that people have told me while I was doing the Alpha Course and they have all began to happen and come true. One of my friends was telling me it would be like he would nudge you and then nudge you some more and keep doing it until you noticed. If that has been the case I haven't only been not noticing but I have been looking completely in the opposite direction! Maybe I don't need to fight, but I can work with what I have been given.

A week ago I was figuring I wasn't going to get the answers to any of the questions I was asking. The first thing is I didn't get any answers to any of the questions that I was asking. In fact I know no more than I did before other than the impact it is having on my life.

So lets put all that down to coincidence ;) (ok difficult I know but stick with me). Besides that list what else has changed.. well I have just pretty much stopped swearing. I know at times I have quite a foul mouth and on occasion I have said things that I probably shouldn't have said. It has just stopped. I am not trying. I just don't very much anymore. There appears to be a perfectly usable English Language.

So sticking with coincidence there were a series of three sermons which I blogged about in the early part of the blog, about being more "You-ier". I feel I am becoming more "You-ier" (Me-ier I suppose!) I am more the person that I am than I was. I don't feel the need to be anything that I don't need to be anymore. I have become more the person that I used to be 15 years ago. I wish I had challenged this then. I wonder what the outcome would have been.

I am currently listening to a song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I think my own little world might be about to get bigger. The words are "What if there is a bigger picture?, What if I am missing out? What if there is a greater purpose that I could be living right now?" I am here looking at this going. What if I am about to jump into a scary discovery that my own scientific brain cannot explain. And why do I seem to be heading towards it willingly? All new questions but now they are all about me and from a completely different angle.

Anyway so the "You-ier" bit appears to be making an  awful lot of sense and all these things that have been placed in my way appeared to have been placed there for  a reason.

I was able to talk to my friends around me about some of the feelings that I have when I am in the church and the discomfort I had at some of the things that are taking place and the fact that I feel self conscious when I am in worship becuase I wonder what I should be doing. I know relax and just let the moment decide. I have finally worked out I don't need to do or be anything at all. I always feel usually like everyone is looking at me. It is daft and stoopid but it is just what I have been feeling and it was great they would joke and laugh about it with me. That was just great.

So onto the next part, Grace, I remember a sermon about Grace and it is something that we are given although we do not deserve it. This seemed a really good thing to receive and I didn't understand fully at the time what it meant. Now I think I understand which is brilliant and it would just fabulous brilliant.

Linking to this is a new sense of peace that has come over me. I can't explain it very well but I feel much more at ease with myself and the world around me than I ever have been before. It is just wonderful to have that feeling. I am sure I am going to look back on this and try and work out how I went from being so headstrong and forthright to peace in the space of a few days but that is what is happening and I never tried to make anything happen.

The current series we are doing in church is relating to the Holy Spirit which is the bit I don't understand and have on many occasions looked completely baffled by, but I don't need to be. Is this timing so that I am given the understanding at the time I need it. Is everything being put in place for me to get through these hurdles that I am currently going through.

So sitting with this and everything that has been going where am I sat today, well I think it is quite clear. I haven't made the jump across but I am looking at it very seriously. At the end of the video I did say the prayer in my heart that was written in the Alpha Course book and I want to welcome him into my life. I just have to wait for an answer now, although I will probably try and do what I usually do and ignore it or miss it. I hope not.

Do I call myself a Christian today? A tough question but I still think I have to say not yet, but I imagine I am going to come across the time in the near future where that may change. If I meet God's love halfway then I am going to find something very exciting in my life coming up. I am going to scarper for now with that lot but I am definitely going to be back tomorrow as every thought I have is important, I want to treasure and be able to look back on. For the first time I believe this blog might be my journey to becoming a proper Christian.

The Alpha Course .. Week 2 - Who is Jesus

 A couple of days before my next Alpha session and I have already begun to think about the topic that is coming up. Who is Jesus? This kinda links to the thoughts I was having over the weekend about whether he existed or not and I guess that is going to be the first thing that I have to work out. There are quite a few questions that i naturally have due to the way I think and the things that are important to me. The ones that come to mind at the moment are...


First the obvious did Jesus actually exist, now I think I can understand that he potentially did exist in the same way you understand that Julius Caesar existed. The second thing is about the things that he did especially some of the miracles that he did. How did he do these things? and more importantly, what evidence is there (besides the bible) that backs up the things that he did. I believe the bible is not the only source... but I can't be sure... That is where my knowledge really is. Wouldn't it have been great to have impartial observers who could take notes at the time, but we don't have that luxury. I guess I will have to make a competent decision based on the evidence that is presented to me from Alpha.


Third is something that has bugged me for a while about Jesus which is probably just plain daft. There is a huge amount of information written about his birth, a huge amount written about his death and a good amount about his life as an adult. What about the rest of his life as a 6 year old etc.. I presume he was 6 once and I wonder what he was like as a child like the rest of us.. Odd I know but it is something that I wonder. Was his life not that interesting until he reached 13 or 14?? I don't know and maybe somebody will know. I know that we didn't have 24 hr media back then.


I am intrigued, however I do know a couple of things.. first no-one has all the answers and that if they did it would be easy. Does make me think though!

Sunday night... Ad-Hoc thoughts

I wasn't planning to make an entry tonight, but more thoughts are following from today. I attended church today as I have done for the past 18 months. Today was a little bit different. Statements said by people have changed some of my perceptions about things. A comment made on Thursday about one of the books of the bible was made. It was about statements in the bible being backed up by more information, I think it was the rules in Deuteronomy which look like a set of rules, but apparently each of them have a relevant reason behind them. I always figured that you'd have to make sense of all the bible and Jesus and God etc if you wanted to be a Christian, but you don't (probably not making sense myself... I know what i mean, I think!). If you read things in the bible there is other evidence behind it which may make it accurate.

This left me feeling a little different in the church today but I can't really explain how other than it was peculiar, during the worship, singing part of the service, I was compelled to sing one of the songs more than just mumble it. I know I have an appalling singing voice and try and make sure I am not heard but today I know I was heard by at least one other person. The song was "This is our God", when it was in the part that starts "Freely you gave it all for us, Surrendered your life upon that cross." Not sure what that means if it means anything but it is a little unusual.

During the message we were being told about the Romans in about 50 AD... not 1950... :) but it made me think, we all know the Romans were around and Julius Ceasar existed. But that made me think hang on, I can read an encyclopaedia and look it up and lo and behold you can find out about him, so why is the evidence less likely to be true about Jesus and God. If I can find enough evidence about Jesus and God to convince me then it will all make sense or as much as I need it to will. Lots of food for me to think on during the rest of the week and I am only on Sunday night... Crikey, what else is going to happen during the rest of the week. Better go to bed before I really lose the plot.

A Reflective look at Alpha

I have now had a couple of days to think about the first of the Alpha sessions and have decided to add the thoughts having had a couple of days to process the information. 

The first thing that I have realised is that there really is going to be a journey here. I am not going to find all the answers at once and I have to find facts in amongst the information that I am given and understand and be convinced for myself and not rely on someone elses inspiration to help me. If I am to be convinced I am going to have to ask questions which to me are going to sound daft, stupid or just plain dum! Well hopefully not too many dum ones but you never know.

Secondly I am not sure how to take Nicky Gumbel. I did get the impression he was a little patronising, but that is more likely to be me than anything that he has done. In spite of that my mind is fully open to the ideas and thoughts that he is going to provoke as the information is more important than the person giving it. 

Thirdly Alpha is going to prompt more questions and I won't have the answer to everything by the end of it. The Christians I speak to are still asking questions and still looking for some answers all the time, even if they are not as fundamental as mine. If things are positive at the end of it the questions I will have will be good questions.

I had two great conversations with people during the evening which stuck in my mind. The first of them was relating to the bible. This book to me has been a struggle to understand and follow. I always believed the book stands on its own but there were many questions raised about the book. I know later on during the course we are going to be looking at the bible in more detail including how to read it. That should be of significant interest to me.

The second conversation was a history of how Christianity had affected someones life, which I found deeply touching and quite wonderful. I do have an envy for the relationship that some people have with God but I am not in a place where I could have that but maybe if things become clearer during the course a relationship of my own. I'm still a long way from that right now and full of all the questions in the world about how?, why? what? etc for so many things.

The people within the group are all absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have found a more caring friendly welcoming group of people anywhere. I have naturally over the years found friends hard to come by but am able to make relationships with people and proper ones for the first time in an extremely long time.

But... this journey is not about the people around me, the journey is about me and my discoveries and experieces. I have got a book on the Alpha Course which has information relating to each of the topics that are discussed during the course and I will be reviewing things as I go.

Initially I am certainly curious... many more questions to ask and thoughts and discussions to have. I know that I am going to challenge things to their limit, my logic will mean that I have to do that to convince myself of anything. I hope I don't give everyone involved a hard time. I guess I am looking for evidence. So far I am looking forward to seeing it presented to me and to able to churn it over in my mind. Until next week I will just mull over things I have seen and will be looking through the chapter in the book again to see if it provokes anything. 

Bye for now... if you have any interest. Just one thing to say, my thanks go to the people organising and running the course for giving their time up freely preparing food, assisting us, and guiding us through the whole thing. I am grateful for all the help they are providing.

See you Wednesday when I will briefly add where I am before the next session :) 

My Welcome Dinner

So the first night of the Alpha Course has now happened and I have just got back home. It started with the most wonderful meal cooked by some great people. We all sat and chatted and introduced ourselves and learnt about why we are there and I discovered that we are all there for completely different reasons. It's really nice to have so many different people there all looking at the same thing from so many different angles. They seem to remind you of things that you already know or may have forgotten from the past. Within the group we have some great leaders who are guiding us and asking opinions and thoughts without putting any pressure on us at all. I was welcome to join in and say as little or as much as i wanted to about any of the topics or things we had seen.

We were given a brief introduction and saw a video which showed a life flashing through in 60 seconds with the phrase "Is there more than this to life?" which lead me to a thought relating to whether there really is more. I also heard someone from a previous course give their experiences and ideas from how they perceived the course and what they thought of it and they thoroughly enjoyed it and admitted scepticism (sorry if the spelling is wrong!) which is reassuring.

The video from Nicky Gumbel was the first one in the series and set the scene for the rest of the course and to me the key thing that came out about it was when he said that we always strive for the next thing, and when we achieve that we wanted to go and find the next thing that was bigger and better. My life is constantly like that. There is always stuff going on and i am always trying to do better and do more... often with less time. Alpha is going to give me the opportunity to stop and take stock. Decide for myself what is the right way to go with my life. I will be able to have time to sit and decide and think and make decisions that ultimately may affect the rest of my life.

The second part of the video that I felt was relevant to me is that God is either extremely important or he is not important at all. This makes complete sense and i guess that really i am going to find it will be one or the other.

Thirdly there was a part of the video that made me feel quite uncomfortable. At the end Nicky started providing people the option for people to come before God and to close their eyes and I wasn't sure what everyone else in the room was going to do. I just looked around to see what was going on at the time, which probably isn't the right thing to do but i am just being honest.

After at the end we had a conversation about how we felt about the evening and I have heard all sorts of things tonight about what lies ahead. I am extremely curious and as Nicky says I put myself in the category that wants to find out more, but am not fully convinced as yet. I guess I have a lot of questions about a lot of topics and have not convinced myself about a lot of things but I have another 11 weeks or so to get to where i am going to be for now. Anyway I am signing off for tonight and am going to think about the things I have seen and discussed so far and will be adding some more to this over the next couple of days... Bye for now... :)

Weekend Over,, 3 days to go

Well three days left till i begin the journey and I have to say that I have been having more thoughts about what the next 11 weeks is going to bring. I am currently a little bit fearful still but excited because I don't know what the next time will bring.

The thing I do know is I have to be me, be honest to myself and to those around me. On Thursday we are starting with a Welcome Supper which sounds like fun and I have been told I need to be able to laugh a lot to do this course.

Part of my fears at the moment is what is going to happen at the other end. I could come out with clear belief in the Christian way, but also I am worred too that I might come out certain that it is all wrong. I just don't know and I just don't know is not a good place to be.

Welcome to my Alpha Course Blog

Hiya all that know me and those that don't. This is my Alpha Blog. To give a bit of background i thought i should add some context as to what i am doing and why i am doing it. Firstly me, I have been going to church for just over 2 years and have found a church that i like the people, in fact most of them are wonderful. However I feel a bit on the outside of things and have all kinds of questions that are more confusing than anything else. I have a strongly logical brain which means if i can't completely prove it i find it difficult to believe or understand. I have seen things within the church which have amazed me but also things that have baffled me. As far as what i do within the church well, not a lot. I don't read the bible very much because i struggle to make any sense of it at all. I don't pray as much as anyone else, (it's more if i remember to i do it. I'm not sat there with a list as long as my arm to pray about). I am still left with more co-incidences (logical head on again!) than anything else.

I am seeing Alpha as my opportunity to understand what happens and what it all means and i suppose to an extent if i can really make any sense of it all. So why blog it? Well, i thought that some of my peers and colleagues within my own church would potentially be interesting and i wanted to map my journey for my benefit so i can understand better where i am and i can see what i have written as i have gone along and how my views have changed (or not) as the case may be. I don't know a huge amount about the Alpha course however i have deliberately kept it that way as i want to discover it as i go along. I know that it is going to be interesting and a challenge for me and probably for those who are running it but it is quite exciting.

One thing i will not be doing on this Blog is putting anything about who is attending the course, naming anyone or putting the location. This is about my journey and hopefully will be interesting to anyone who wants to read it.

So Alpha begins in 6 days time (Thursday 20th January) with a "Welcome Dinner". Not sure what that means at the moment. My guess is that i will be meeting all the other people who are going to be doing Alpha with me and i will be telling them about me and meeting them for the first time. I guess we are all going to be coming from different backgrounds and knowledge and it will most definitely be interesting. Looking forward in the future people tend to come out with stronger belief in God and there is a part of me that wonders what will change, (if anything) in the time i am doing this.

The important thing is i am going into this with a completely open mind and what will be will be. Oh and i forgot, please leave comments or thoughts on here as i am interested in all ideas and opinions.... See you later