Another Alpha week tomorrow

so another week at Alpha is here tomorrow evening. I have seen another week with bits and pieces that have been going round in my head. I am going to be picking up my bible in a couple of minutes to read the whole of John 14 and a couple of other bits and pieces as I have decided that if I can I want God to speak to me.

So week 6, "How does God guide us?" is next on the list of topics. So this is another interesting week. My guess as things stand at the moment is very much around through the bible and through answers to prayer. I have no idea and I haven't read ahead. I guess it could also be through the holy spirit but doesn't he come through answers to prayer.

I still am suprised that i haven't come to faith yet but I know that it will be in my own time. I really thought that some of the things I have seen would be enough to convince me but I am still sat back and looking.

I still have wonderful words of encouragement around me all the time from lots of people and I keep reading and looking at them all.

I feel though that i need to do more than I have done and need to poke this with a bigger stick, read more, understand more and push this whole thing because I can do more than I am doing. I think I am currently feeling a bit down overall because it hasn't gone as i thought it was going to and I am back into the searching bit all over again. The problem is I am back searching without the first clue what I am searching for!!!

Anyway the key thing is Holy Spirit weekend which I have been told is just the best part of the Alpha Course. I am not sure what is so good about it as I have no idea what it is going to be like. I hear that people talk about how great it was when they did it. Am I going to be disappointed, or is this the opposite, a massive breakthrough when I am not expecting it. The reality is I don't know. I suppose the starting point is I struggle with what the holy spirit is, or I did until someone explained it to me, I guess I really just don't know whether I am going to be captivated or unsure on the whole thing. Am I going to question or embrace what is in front of me?

And here I am back at questions again, similar to the way I started the course. Have I come full circle back round to where i am now or have i changed the questions I am asking a lot. I know I've changed. It's whether I can make the next change and I suppose at the moment, I have to wonder will I ever make the next step. My bunnies both did it, so why can't I? Hopefully it will all sort itself out, but I just have to be patient. Oh well. Lets see how God will guide us tomorrow and what that will bring. Maybe it will bring more answers, maybe more questions... I'll find out then..Until tomorrow night (or Friday if it is late!)

Week 4 - Faith Part 2

So now having finished work for the evening I will add the second entry of the day to the blog. I left part one where I had 5 things that had happened for me and then one that hadn't so that was interesting.. I then thought about what I have been doing with my own time out of choice, and what am I doing? questionning more about God and asking questions, at times it is what has dominated my life. Look back at number 5 on the previous blog and I am constantly listening to Christian Music, the word from God etc so "a new love for God" could be one which I haven't recognised yet, so potentially there are 6 out of 6. Wow!

So lets be rational about this and then ask other people what they believe about me, one of the closest people I have spoken to at church said I had changed and it was noticable the way I had changed. I asked my lady and she said I'd changed to and that she had noticed these changes in me as well especially the one about caring for other people. Now this is all pretty significant but what it doesn't do is say it is definitely the Holy Spirit in action... but I also can't say it isn't. This is big stuff, fundamental and life changing ultimately possibly.

So how many of my other questions have been answered.. ummm none... I look back at some of the things that people have told me while I was doing the Alpha Course and they have all began to happen and come true. One of my friends was telling me it would be like he would nudge you and then nudge you some more and keep doing it until you noticed. If that has been the case I haven't only been not noticing but I have been looking completely in the opposite direction! Maybe I don't need to fight, but I can work with what I have been given.

A week ago I was figuring I wasn't going to get the answers to any of the questions I was asking. The first thing is I didn't get any answers to any of the questions that I was asking. In fact I know no more than I did before other than the impact it is having on my life.

So lets put all that down to coincidence ;) (ok difficult I know but stick with me). Besides that list what else has changed.. well I have just pretty much stopped swearing. I know at times I have quite a foul mouth and on occasion I have said things that I probably shouldn't have said. It has just stopped. I am not trying. I just don't very much anymore. There appears to be a perfectly usable English Language.

So sticking with coincidence there were a series of three sermons which I blogged about in the early part of the blog, about being more "You-ier". I feel I am becoming more "You-ier" (Me-ier I suppose!) I am more the person that I am than I was. I don't feel the need to be anything that I don't need to be anymore. I have become more the person that I used to be 15 years ago. I wish I had challenged this then. I wonder what the outcome would have been.

I am currently listening to a song "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. I think my own little world might be about to get bigger. The words are "What if there is a bigger picture?, What if I am missing out? What if there is a greater purpose that I could be living right now?" I am here looking at this going. What if I am about to jump into a scary discovery that my own scientific brain cannot explain. And why do I seem to be heading towards it willingly? All new questions but now they are all about me and from a completely different angle.

Anyway so the "You-ier" bit appears to be making an  awful lot of sense and all these things that have been placed in my way appeared to have been placed there for  a reason.

I was able to talk to my friends around me about some of the feelings that I have when I am in the church and the discomfort I had at some of the things that are taking place and the fact that I feel self conscious when I am in worship becuase I wonder what I should be doing. I know relax and just let the moment decide. I have finally worked out I don't need to do or be anything at all. I always feel usually like everyone is looking at me. It is daft and stoopid but it is just what I have been feeling and it was great they would joke and laugh about it with me. That was just great.

So onto the next part, Grace, I remember a sermon about Grace and it is something that we are given although we do not deserve it. This seemed a really good thing to receive and I didn't understand fully at the time what it meant. Now I think I understand which is brilliant and it would just fabulous brilliant.

Linking to this is a new sense of peace that has come over me. I can't explain it very well but I feel much more at ease with myself and the world around me than I ever have been before. It is just wonderful to have that feeling. I am sure I am going to look back on this and try and work out how I went from being so headstrong and forthright to peace in the space of a few days but that is what is happening and I never tried to make anything happen.

The current series we are doing in church is relating to the Holy Spirit which is the bit I don't understand and have on many occasions looked completely baffled by, but I don't need to be. Is this timing so that I am given the understanding at the time I need it. Is everything being put in place for me to get through these hurdles that I am currently going through.

So sitting with this and everything that has been going where am I sat today, well I think it is quite clear. I haven't made the jump across but I am looking at it very seriously. At the end of the video I did say the prayer in my heart that was written in the Alpha Course book and I want to welcome him into my life. I just have to wait for an answer now, although I will probably try and do what I usually do and ignore it or miss it. I hope not.

Do I call myself a Christian today? A tough question but I still think I have to say not yet, but I imagine I am going to come across the time in the near future where that may change. If I meet God's love halfway then I am going to find something very exciting in my life coming up. I am going to scarper for now with that lot but I am definitely going to be back tomorrow as every thought I have is important, I want to treasure and be able to look back on. For the first time I believe this blog might be my journey to becoming a proper Christian.

A Reflective look at Alpha

I have now had a couple of days to think about the first of the Alpha sessions and have decided to add the thoughts having had a couple of days to process the information. 

The first thing that I have realised is that there really is going to be a journey here. I am not going to find all the answers at once and I have to find facts in amongst the information that I am given and understand and be convinced for myself and not rely on someone elses inspiration to help me. If I am to be convinced I am going to have to ask questions which to me are going to sound daft, stupid or just plain dum! Well hopefully not too many dum ones but you never know.

Secondly I am not sure how to take Nicky Gumbel. I did get the impression he was a little patronising, but that is more likely to be me than anything that he has done. In spite of that my mind is fully open to the ideas and thoughts that he is going to provoke as the information is more important than the person giving it. 

Thirdly Alpha is going to prompt more questions and I won't have the answer to everything by the end of it. The Christians I speak to are still asking questions and still looking for some answers all the time, even if they are not as fundamental as mine. If things are positive at the end of it the questions I will have will be good questions.

I had two great conversations with people during the evening which stuck in my mind. The first of them was relating to the bible. This book to me has been a struggle to understand and follow. I always believed the book stands on its own but there were many questions raised about the book. I know later on during the course we are going to be looking at the bible in more detail including how to read it. That should be of significant interest to me.

The second conversation was a history of how Christianity had affected someones life, which I found deeply touching and quite wonderful. I do have an envy for the relationship that some people have with God but I am not in a place where I could have that but maybe if things become clearer during the course a relationship of my own. I'm still a long way from that right now and full of all the questions in the world about how?, why? what? etc for so many things.

The people within the group are all absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have found a more caring friendly welcoming group of people anywhere. I have naturally over the years found friends hard to come by but am able to make relationships with people and proper ones for the first time in an extremely long time.

But... this journey is not about the people around me, the journey is about me and my discoveries and experieces. I have got a book on the Alpha Course which has information relating to each of the topics that are discussed during the course and I will be reviewing things as I go.

Initially I am certainly curious... many more questions to ask and thoughts and discussions to have. I know that I am going to challenge things to their limit, my logic will mean that I have to do that to convince myself of anything. I hope I don't give everyone involved a hard time. I guess I am looking for evidence. So far I am looking forward to seeing it presented to me and to able to churn it over in my mind. Until next week I will just mull over things I have seen and will be looking through the chapter in the book again to see if it provokes anything. 

Bye for now... if you have any interest. Just one thing to say, my thanks go to the people organising and running the course for giving their time up freely preparing food, assisting us, and guiding us through the whole thing. I am grateful for all the help they are providing.

See you Wednesday when I will briefly add where I am before the next session :)