I can't believe this at all

So what can't I believe, well what has happened since Wednesday has completely blown my mind out of the water. I am going to start with the, well I don't know where to start. There have been so many amazing things that have happened within the last few days. Right I will try and start at the beginning. Firstly I am almost in tears as I am writing this. It has been such an emotional time over the past few days and I will never forget them.

So starting with the 29th April, this was the Royal Wedding day, and I was feeling different to the way I was feeling a few days earlier. I originally didn't care about the Royal Wedding. I was originally thinking why should I care about them? They don't care about me! but after Wednesday my mindset changed. I was thinking, I hope they are successful and their marriage works for them and brings them unlimited happiness. We (the church) locally though ran a street party for the locals in the area and I was helping out with setting up and I felt I had to serve in any way that I could. I wanted to do anything to help and be involved and to serve the local community and bring the word of God through our actions. If I could I would have done everything. I know that I did my share of the work especially as I was going with three children and the potential future inlaws but I still wanted to do more. I wanted to be a beacon for Gods light on the community and to let him take all the glory for our actions. I didn't want any of it. It was an amazing day and I met some locals for the first time ever which was brilliant. At this point I have only told my partner and one close friend who I had coffee with on Thursday which was wonderful. Unfortunately during the evening we found some rude drawings in the car that evening which was very upsetting and were trying to decide whether we should give our time to the community if there were bad things that were going to be done to us by them.

The second day of the community work was on the 30th April when we did the traditional clean up of the local area. I have through a combination of skill, talent and luck managed to miss the previous two years even though I have lived on the road where the whole thing was carried out. Anyway in spite of the previous nights issue we were driven and motivated on the Saturday morning and we got involved with three children in tow, including one with a broken arm! On Saturday morning I started telling people about what had happened the previous wednesday and got the most hugs that I have ever had from everyone. I was asked would I say something at church about what happened on Wednesday and I said I'd let them know tomorrow.

The first few jobs were nice and straightforward, collect rubbish from peoples homes etc. We then got to the third or fourth job of the day and we ended up in a garden with a lady and her two young children where we removed some plants from the garden which took the best part of two hours. During this time I understood what we were really doing. We were helping the community but also spreading our love for people which has done nothing but overflow from me since. The old me would have been irritated by small children getting in the way whilst trying to use pliers etc but it didn't matter. The worst that happened was it took a bit longer but it didn't matter, we were able to talk to the people there and it was just amazing. We just did it. What was funny was we didn't mention God or Jesus or anything religious but we felt our presence touched some people. Little was i to know how much I had touched someone at the time.

We then in the afternoon ended up with what I lovingly call "The bamboo garden". There was more bamboo in this garden than you could believe. It was just grown over the whole garden. Maybe in the region of 4 square meters. There was also other things in there that shouldn't be and there were over 15 people in this garden removing this bamboo to the best of our ability as fast as we physically could because the lorry was early and we all just mucked in and worked our socks off to make it happen. I almost got thrown out of the garden because i didn't want to leave with the job not complete. I was desperate to get through the job. It was funny because again  I would have historically gone, well good is good enough but here I am with my shoulders and back killing me trying my hardest to do as much as I can. I wasn't the only person, other people were really feeling it and it was amazing the way we all did it but it doesn't matter because it was for a greater good than us.

So God is really moving in me and I never expected it to happen, not like this. So that is Saturday. Lets move onto Sunday. Sunday 1st May 2011 we went to church and I spoke to the person in charge of the church and said I would say one sentance on the sunday morning. Anyway I remember this as i am sat in the front row in the middle, feeling very sick and very nervous at the idea of speaking in front of all these people. Anyway several times I think he is going to ask me to come up and he doesn't and finally he says. "I got some news Saturday which distracted me all day...." and I knew it was time. I didn't plan what I was going to say, I knew if I did I would mess it up so I trusted God to guide me and told people in more than one sentence, much more what had happened to me on the previous wednesday and at the end i said I'd given my life to God and the most enormous deafening din went up in the room. This enormous cheer went up, the like of which I have never ever heard in my life. I can't explain it. I know the sermons are recorded and if I can find it I would love to post it on the blog. I pretty much wanted to burst into tears on the spot. It was described as better news than the Royal Wedding and I am emotional just thinking about it right now.

I then asked for prayer for the first time afterwards and it was just truly wonderful. So is that it from Sunday, no. I decided to go to the church prayer meeting in the evening and got surrounded by four people who prayed for me and it was just the most uplifting experience, this is just such an awesome day. I can't begin to describe how beautiful the moment was as they prayed for me and I felt the power of God coming into me and God's love filling me. I have always run away from anyone praying for me and for once in my life I just didn't want it to end ever.

So onto May 2nd, my birthday, nothing else could possibly happen could it now. I am now 37 years old, not 38 as I thought! and I got a degree in maths. We spent the morning at home with the bunnies and restarted the bonding process which was a massive success as they were together for over 2.5 hrs which was the longest ever and it was beautiful. Eventually we went into town and decided we were going to have a vegetarian breakfast at a cafe in town.

So we got into town and ordered our breakfast and who should walk in but one of the young kids from one of the gardens we had worked in during the weekend. Anyway my partner thought she could hear him and I went no don't be silly. I was wrong, he came up to our table and said hi and started chatting to us. He remembered us from the weekend and he was there hugging us and smiling and laughing and even wanted to take us out with him for the day. He was with someone different to who he was with on Saturday so we told him what we had done and other people heard and the word of Gods work was spread again without him being mentioned, all because one child had remembered us. We must have touched his life through God. How amazing is that. I can't believe that it happened and it was just the most wonderous experience.

So it is now Tuesday night / Wednesday morning and I feel like i have written war and peace. I just want to get as much of this as I can, I want God to have full control over my life and direct me to the next things that I should do. It seems such a long time to Sunday. I am currently in Scotland and am hoping to get back for our house group on Thursday as that will mean an awful lot to me to be in Gods presence.

My plan is still to write my next entry on or about the 12th May but with what is going on I wouldn't count on it. If you read this please comment it would be great to get any feedback. TTFN

An extra post than was expected

So here I am, back again. I said the next and last entry would be about May 12th for now. Well that was my plan, however there appear to be other forces in place. Let me tell you a story. Here I am April 27th sat in a cafe in my home town during the holiday caused by the series of bank holidays and three days off that were in the middle and this is how i got here

I have decided to amble into town to go and have a cup of coffee and relax and I mean properly relax. The sun is shining outside and it is at least 22'C. It is beautiful outside at the moment. I have decided to take a book with me to read and I have chosen Rick Warren "A Purpose Driven Life"

Anyway I am sat on a little patio table outside this cafe reading my book. I started with the introduction and all that good stuff and the first thing it says is that the book is split into 40 separate chapters and you should read one per day and meditate on it. Well so I started to read the first chapter and turned the page and ... I was at the end of the chapter. Hang on a minute I have barely poured my cup of tea so I might as well read chapter 2 as it is the only book I bought. Tea is still hot, time for chapter 3 and chapter 4. OOh but I have a pot of tea in my hand so I can have another cup of tea, that is enough time for chapter 5, and 6 and 7,8,9 and 10.

However something starts nagging me when I get to chapter 3 and 4, it is going on about knowing what your purpose is and this starts to get worse as i go through the next few chapters. This nagging starts really getting quite uncomfortable and then I realise something monumental, I don't know what my purpose is, because I don't have one. I am existing from day to day without meaning, without any real purpose here. I am existing rather than living.

All of a sudden it all makes sense, what i am missing is the sense of purpose in my life. I have stopped asking questions weeks ago. I am comfortable in most of things that go on and what I am not comfortable in isn't God, it's me. I have been missing out on something and have been looking at people who have something that I don't, that I would love to have and I need a purpose. But now I have worked out my purpose to serve God and Jesus and have my sins forgiven because Jesus died on the cross for me and guess what he did.

So at 14:20 on Wednesday 27th April 2011, sat at a patio table in the town centre with people walking past and going their own ways through town I bowed my head and asked for forgiveness for my sins and started a new life, walking with God. It was a simple prayer no more than a minute long. Then I just sat there at the cafe for another 20 minutes challenging what i'd just done, was it right? well yes it was and I was confident in what I had just done. After all that I have done and all the people I have had around me the entire time i have been doing the Alpha Course, something that is nothing to do with the alpha course has changed my life and in a quiet, unspectacular way, in fact no one else would even have noticed.

Anyway I walked home afterwards and looked around and the world around me had changed, or so it appeared. In fact I don't think the world around me had changed. I think I have changed and the way I view the world is different. The sky is more blue and the trees and leaves are more green. Everything has changed in the world and now I wonder what is to follow over the next part of my journey. The journey so far has been truly amazing and I am just smiling continuously all the time. I can't do anything but smile.

I haven't written this at the time I have posted it but symbolically I have dated it at the time I gave my life to God. I am now going to go and see what is new in my life as a result of this.

The last Alpha Session

So the final session of the alpha course has now taken place and it was the best of the sessions that I have been to of the entire session. Well I am getting a bit ahead of myself already so I had better rewind a little bit first....

The topic for the last topic is "What about the church?" Well this to me at first glance seems a pretty non-eventful, unexciting topic and to be honest should be. This is going to be about buildings and churches and the like isn't it... ummm no. That was the first suprise of the session. So then the first question to ask is what is the church all about. Well the church is the people that make it up. The building itself isn't the church and that was the thing that really took me back. I always thought the church was the place where worship was done and created but apparently not. What do I know. You'd have thought I would have got the hang of this right now, but apparently the answer is no I haven't. Anyway we had the last video and Nicky continually went on about the people being the church and God's church was made up of the most valuable resource there is.. people. It is a different perspective on the world and one that I didn't think was going to be one that really could exist.

Anyway we had the video and then broke into the smaller groups as we have done week after week. This time there was a difference and that was there were no questions to discuss. That is going to make life interesting so what happens next, well the one thing that i really didn't expect to happen. We discussed the video and the contents of it without discussing the video. Did that make any sense? Probably not but i'll explain it. The group I was sat with consisted of 4 people who were Christians and myself. Anyway what we discussed was actually what we were all going to do next once the course was over and you may be thinking what has that got to do with the church. Well if the church is the people and they are the resource that the whole thing is made up of then the people are all working together towards the common goal, so we sat there and chatted and decided we were going to go to Holy Trinity Brompton to one of their services as that is where the Alpha Course started and maybe see Nicky Gumbel speak in person. Second to this me and my partner decided to go to the big church day out in Worthing this year, as the music is always good and we enjoy listening to the worship and praise music.

Suddenly the fellowship that was being talked about during the video and the people being the most important resource that there is was coming to the fore and the thought of going along for this was one of those things that didn't phase me. Everyone was really uplifted and happy yet it was a compeltely unplanned evening with no questions and masses of fun and laughter. It was just brilliant. A wonderful way to finish the Alpha Course, although of course I haven't finished the alpha course as we have a post alpha supper on May 12 to conclude the entire course. That will be the last item on the course but we have done all the talks we are going to do. We have decided that we are not going to do the session about "How do I make the most of the rest of my life?" which is a shame but I may borrow it on DVD to see what it is about.

So the big question that really matters to me is this one. Three months of alpha course, nearly 40 blog entries, and an awful lot of reading, time and commitment into investigating God, where does that leave me. Well I didn't find God or give my life to Jesus, which will be of disappointment to the people that I know. I didn't find whatever it was I was looking for in my life from the course. However on the good side, I haven't gone I definitely don't believe. There is another Alpha Course in September which I have already decided I am going to do as I believe that I haven't answered all my questions yet. I still don't really know what they all are, but I really hope that I come to an answer one of these days. Am I still going to continue attending church? Yes, with the same nerves and anxiety that I have had for a long time. I have to be honest and say that I do not know if I am ever going to find the answer that I am looking for, either one way or the other. I would like to get a definitive answer to whether this exists or not, but I am not someone that is going to have faith easily. The faith is the one thing that is missing from my life and it is something that I am not going to be able to get without something amazing happening.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me with the journey up to this point and you all know who you are including those people who have contributed on this blog. Please continue to post comments if you wish to, I will still be monitoring this in the future and I will post after the meal in May to close the blog down for the time being but it will be back in September when I do this all over again. I have had a wonderful journey and being able to write about it has been brilliant. I thought at times I was writing far more than I needed to but I can look back at the story of this course. Maybe it will be helpful for people out there. I recommend giving this to anyone who wants to read it. It doesn't have the answers because I don't have the answers but enjoy reading it because I enjoyed writing it. Goodbye for now and thanks to everyone who has been with me while I have done this.

Does God Heal today?

So this is the next topic on the course and well this question looks at first glance like quite an easy question for me to answer. I think the answer has to be no. Probably not the right answer. I have no knowledge of this or any experience and even less of evidence in the healing area so I guess I am going to learn all about this tonight.

When I say no, it doesn't mean I am not open to it, it means literally i have never seen or experienced or come anywhere near God healing. So this is certainly going to be a new topic for me to cover tonight. I have never asked for healing and only know a couple of people who have asked for this.

So I do wonder what is going to be covered within the topic tonight. I guess that this is going to relate to some of the miracles that Jesus performed about making blind men see and curing leprosy. Does that happen today, well all I know is that occasionally people recover from incurable illnesses, people get sight back who should never see again, people walk who the doctors say will never walk. I suppose the question comes from me along the lines of, is it that we don't understand the way the human body works or is it something more than that.

This is one session I am particularly curious about because I don't have any experience in this area at all and am interested to know more or understand what could happen. I am hoping that people are going to share some real stories with us about things they have seen. In fact I have just been reminded of one which someone told me and I have no reason to dispute them. I guess I would love to see it happen for real for myself. Oh look that leads onto the bit of the whole jigsaw that is missing. That will be the faith bit then. As always it always seems to be coming back to that. I am happy with most things and the questions and answers that I get but again where am I going to find the faith bit.

Here we go off topic again. This thing called faith is a real concept that I have more trouble with than anything else. I am not even sure what it is anyway. If i believe that God exists and that Jesus ran around the earth for 33 years (I think, sorry if I'm wrong) am I already most of the way there or am I really missing the whole thing here. This faith thing really does my noggin in. I would love to get a good understanding of what it is and what it does and I guess how do I know if I have got some?

I have found some more questions finally, maybe I can crowbar them into the conversation tonight and get some answers, that will certainly be a challenge. It is good to have some more questions.

Anyway before I go tonight, I'd just like to add my fingers really hurt now from playing guitar. Do they ever stop hurting. TTFN

Baptisms

So baptisms then. Last Sunday there were five of them. I am thinking this is going to be a massive achievement to do five in a morning and I was really worried they would not manage to do it. However I was wrong and more than happy to be so as they succeeded in it.

The first thing to say is I have seen a baptism once before from the back of a very crowded church so I am not sure at this point what to expect. These were much more simple to see and watch. So anyway everything was relatively normal initially apart from the lack of a cup of tea, but we made up for that at the end of the session :).

We started as normal and sung 2 or 3 songs which is always good. I am currently trying to remember all the upbeat songs we are singing on a sunday so I can learn them on my guitar which I spend a good couple of hours a day practising with.

After that each of the people who were going to be baptised came up the microphone and told their story of how they got to where they are today and how they are going to progress in the future and how they wanted to give their life to God. Now me I am a trainer/consultant who can spend an entire week stood in front of an audience, cracking really bad jokes, laughing around at the same time as teaching a really serious subject and apparently I am quite good at it. I still haven't worked out why but that is a totally separate topic so I'll come back. There is no way I could ever stand in front of all those people and do what those five people did. The whole thing quite honestly terrified me. I am just truly in awe at all five of them for managing to stand there in front of over 100 people and do that. Too scary for me by far..

Anyway they all said their bit and we had a short talk from one of the church leaders which was good about the baptism and what was going to happen. We then went into another room where each in turn was baptised by being fully submerged in water and then their new life being "born". It was a really happy occasion amongst the church and I did get asked would I do that? I have to confess my answer was no and it was nothing to do with the water.

It was good to see and it showed me how far I really am from accepting the whole thing into my life. I guess I have a long way to go and an awful lot of questions to get answered yet. That led me onto thinking what are the questions that I have outstanding. I have been thinking about this on and off for a few days and I think I have run out of questions for the time being. I am wondering whether that at the moment is because I am still a little nervous from a couple of weeks ago. It is most curious not to have any questions that I need an answer to. Maybe that is telling me something in its own right, but I have no idea at all what it is telling me. It would be far too easy if it was telling me.

How should I tell others?

So leading up to the next session things have been fairly
similar to last week with little changes. I have been still not reading the
bible or any other Christian based text for that matter. I am still just
recovering from the incident 10 days earlier. It really did me a lot of harm
and I guess it shocked me so much that it has taken me a long time to get back
onto an even keel. However i have started picking up my guitar and am now
playing again which is really good. I have done a few songs and now maybe have
a few that I can play. It is great to be getting better. To be fair I probably
couldn’t be much worse than I was but I have really got sore fingers now from
playing.

The thing that I keep thinking about is with all of the
choices of music that are around that I could play I spend the majority of my
time playing Christian music which is strange. Especially as i haven’t given my
life to God. I continually get this nagging feeling that I am going to discover
at some point that the reality is that I am going to look back and go when did
that happen.

For the time being though I am going to look forward at what
I am going to do next and see what the next week hold. So the next one in the
series continues with How and why should I tell others?

My initial thoughts on this was How and why should I tell others what? That I
am attending an Alpha course? Or that I have become a Christian. Well I haven’t
done the latter so I guess I would have to stick with the first of these. Well
for me it was easy, I just said to people I am going to have an explore and go
and find out more than I knew at the moment. I said I was just curious and
people have gone good on you, go see what you can find out. I am really pleased
with the response that I have had.

I have had people ask me about it and what it is like, which
I think is interesting. I didn’t tell them with that intent I was just saying
what I was doing.

At 5:15 in the evening I am at Edinburgh Airport late to
take off on a flight to Gatwick. By 7:45 I am sat in the Alpha room watching
the video, 1 hour from Gatwick. How is that for commitment, don’t ask me how I
did it, but I did not break the speed limit at all. Petrol is too expensive to
do that. I just pretty much jumped on the bus and ran.

So to the evening now. Again it is focusing on the fact that
you have already made the leap into being a Christian which if you haven’t got
there makes it a bit of a strange topic. I guess this is a topic that I am
surprised is within the boundaries of the Alpha course as to me this doesn’t
seem to be a topic that will empower you to find out what the whole thing is
about. I think the course as a whole gets little benefit from this section and
I was watching the video trying to understand its relevance to the course as it
talks about persuading people and things like that. I felt it was too early in
the journey to be discussing that and that maybe it would be better if it
followed on at a much later time in development.

If you are already a Christian I can certainly see however
that it is a really good topic to discuss as I imagine that a lot of people
struggle to tell the people around them what they are doing and about this part
of their lives. Nicky sums it up well when he refers to swinging from
insensitivity to fear! I can understand that as a possibility.

We then had a good discussion about how we would tell people
or how we would want to be told. My opinion on this was quite simple. It is
straightforward, well at least I think it is. If I was to talk about it the
best I can do is talk about my experiences rather than trying to persuade
someone my way is best. If I leave the option open to them to ask more
questions in their time if they are ready and I make myself available I can
talk to people in a way that matters to them at a time that is right for them.
I’m not sure I could ever go to someone and say to them, you should turn to God
now your life is not very good as he will cleanse your sins and provide you new
life. Or words to that effect because I know that isn’t going to work.

I think the reality is that different people have different
skills, abilities and talents, some people are good listeners, some people good
talkers, some people inspirational, others sit in the background. There are
opportunities for all people to communicate their beliefs in a way that is
comfortable to them at their own time and in their own way because people
receiving are all different and if they weren’t different we’d all be very
boring.

Anyway there were baptisms on Sunday. They are next J

How can I resist evil?

(This entry is from the 17th March)

Here we are on the first Thursday after the Holy Spirit
weekend. I have to say that I am a little nervous about what the evening held
for me but generally it appears to have gone ok. My partner has agreed to come
along to the rest of the Alpha sessions with me as she is going to support me
which I am really happy about and really grateful to her for doing so. Also I
know that she is giving up her own Thursday nights to do that with me so Thank
you again J

Anyway to the evening. The topic on this Thursday was How
can I resist evil? I have to say my initial thought on this one was (a bit sarcastically
as always) I don’t have to. I haven’t given my life to Christ yet so I don’t
need to worry about it anyway J.
The first thing about this evening is the video does assume that you have given
your life to Christ and is now talking much more about how you live your life
as a Christian rather than providing information. That was really noticeable
actually from the way the video was.

However the discussion afterwards I thought was fantastic.
We were sat discussing the merits of Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries and Lord of
the Rings. The reason is because these all deal in magic and Harry Potter
especially deals with the dark arts. These are technically considered “bad” for
you as a Christian and it was interesting to see how people dealt with that.
The thing that struck me was that the reaction of everyone was we all read these
books or watch the films etc. That was quite good to listen to and hear. The general
idea was that it was based around the person and the type of person that they
are. For example lots of people play computer games which go around killing
zombies etc, however they don’t go out straight afterwards and mow down an entire
neighbourhood. It is known however there are some people that are affected by
some of these things.

The second area that is covered off is looking into the
future (Ouija Boards, Horoscopes, Fortune Telling, Psychics etc). You are not
supposed to look into your future. Again at times it can be difficult to avoid
some of these things. Horoscopes for example appear on website and in all sorts
of places and you don’t always have control over the information that you get
access to. I have done most of the above list at some point. I like loads of
other people had a go at a Ouija board at University as we all pushed the glass
round the table, have read horoscopes and had my fortune told or read at some
point. I can quite happily confirm I don’t believe a word and Psychics I don’t
believe a word of. To me it is all absolute rubbish and doesn’t work at all.

It was a really enlightening discussion as I believed that
the Christian faith as a whole would be quite strict and hard line on some of
these things especially from some of the things that I have heard in the past.
I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that people were quite relaxed about
some of the books that were being discussed. The thing that particularly
surprising was that in reality living by these values didn’t make any
difference to my life at all. I think that is really good if I ever want to go
further down this route.

Besides that I haven’t really done much with the bible or
pray at all. I have decided to have a low key week and have just done the
minimum and let things tick over for a bit. That was probably a good idea as
the whole thing was very intense, but then I guess that is not surprising.

I also had a really good open honest conversation with the
minister about the holy spirit weekend which was really well received so  I am pleased that I am able to talk to people
honestly about the experiences I have been through. I am really pleased with
it.

Anyway I am beginning to feel a lot more positive about the
whole thing. I wouldn’t say it is perfect or I am feeling as confident as I was
before but I at least am feeling like I want to be engaged back with the course
again.  That is where things were left on that Thursday